As I am sitting here writing this I am crying like a baby (thankfully there is no one her to see me) and I think I feel my guilt and shame creeping up on me. Today I was late to work, BUT for good reason. I was enrolling Kelli in Kindergarten! Kindergarten people! This is big girl school and she is SO excited! Mommy on the other hand, well I am excited because Kelli is and it’s hard not to be when she is so very much excited. But I can’t help but think of where all the time has gone! I remember when she was born, so tiny, thinking that the world had now be complete. She was and still is the light of my life. The only thing that kept me living though-out many trails and tribulations in my life. No matter how much I wanted to just give up and leave this place I couldn’t because I had a beautiful little one to take care of. She was the one thing (along with my family) that kept me going in prison. She is helping me stay sober, and she is what is still keeping me doing the next right thing.
But I have forgotten a lot of things while I was using. Her 5th birthday party, I had it, I was high, and do I remember it? Some, not all and that’s sad. Next month she is turning 6. Will I remember every bit of this birthday party? Hell yes! Am I excited for that? Yes! I have all these wonderful things that I get to look forward to now and it is exciting. But the past keeps coming up and biting me…”you didn’t do that for her.”, “Do you remember that all you wanted was to get high and didn’t care if she minded you or not.” I feel crazy when all those thoughts go though my mind, I just want to scream that was then I am different now, I can do better.
Why is it so hard for us to forget and forgive our past? I don’t know, but for today I am not thinking about what I did not do, I am going to think about the great things that are to come. My baby is going to kindergarten and we get to go school shopping this week. I remember growing up, my mom and I would go every year and I so looked forward to that. I think that is my favorite memory of us! Hopefully I can be just like my mom and create that for Kelli.
My big Kindergarten girl!