Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Day 30:

First I want to say that I am glad this is the last day that I am writing something that I am thankful for. Although there is a lot I am thankful for it is hard to put into words.

Today I am thankful for this not being 2010. A year makes a big difference. This time last year I was out on my furlough waiting to turn myself in on the 15th of December for my prison stay. I made it through that and am now on the other side of this wonderful life. Thankfully!

I am also thankful to all of you in my blog world! You have helped me though and given me hope and advice when needed and for that I thank you!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Day 29:

Today I am thankful for my health. I have done a lot of damage to my mind, body, and soul. But thankfully they are still intact and alive without MAJOR issues. Not saying that I don’t have any but compared to what it could be I am blessed.

Thankfully my bad past decisions were stopped before they could do anymore damage

Monday, November 28, 2011

Day 28:

I am thankful for huggles and snuggles from my baby girl! Although it did make it VERY hard to get out of bed today, and yes I was late to work :) but when you are snuggling with the best thing ever to come from me its hard to want to leave it.

I love my baby girl with everything in my being and I am trying very hard to show and teach her better so that she does not turn out like me!

I hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Only 2 more days until December, my this year has gone by fast.

Day 27:

I am thankful for advil. I had the worst headache, advil did not take it all away but it did make it bearable.

Day 26:

I am thankful that at this point in my recovery I can enjoy "me" alone time without freaking out if I am going to get so lonely that I will use.

I have had a weekend alone and I LOVED IT!

Day 25:

I am thankful for meetings. They are there for me whenever I need them. I do not go as often as I should. But no matter how I feel when I walk in there (confused, mad, hurt, etc.) I feel like a million bucks when I walk out.

I am so thankful for them and all the people in recovery that they hold!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Day 24:

Today I am thankful for a fridge to put all my goodies in until it is time to cook them. And a stove to cook all my goodies in.

I have a lot of things that a lot of people do not have and I have taken them for granted for so long.

But now, I don't take them for granted because today I could still be in prison and not have this stuff or time with my family on this wonderful day, and for that I am truly thankful!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Day 23:

Today I am thankful for God not answering the prayers that I know shoudl not be answer and that I probably shouldnt be praying for.

I know that they are not in my best interest and yet I still pray them.

Thankfully God knows just what we NEED!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Day 22:

First I want to say that I have no idea why Day 21 posted before Day 20, but oh doesn't matter...right?

Ok, Honestly I tried for about an hour to fix it before I heard myself repeating progress not perfection. I try to do every thing perfect, but it doesn't need to be that way. Which leads to my Day 22 thankfulness.

Today I am thankful that I am in a place of recovery that I know that everything doesn't have to be perfect, would I like it to be? YES! Do I sometimes freak out if it's not? OH LORD YES!

But I know that it is ok, and sometimes things have to not be perfect to be perfect <-if that makes any sense at all :)

Anyways, I am not perfect, nothing I do is going to be perfect...BUT today I have the choice to accept that or not!

Just for Today I will realize that I am great just the way I am :)

I hope that everyone is having a great week!

I love you all!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Day 20:

I am thankful for having a handy dad and daughter.

Saturday (Nov 19) my mom and dad came over.

Mom and I spent the day shopping and hanging out, Kelli and Papa spent the day building mommy a closet. They did a WONDERFUL job!

Day 21:

Today I am thankful for my mom and dad. They know what I need and help me out even if I don’t ask for it.

They don’t make me feel less then or bad. If fact every time they say “Everyone needs some help every now or then, we did at one point to, don’t take away our blessing”

Thankfully for them Kelli and I have a kitchen full of food. Times are tough for everyone but I am thankful that they helped us out when they really did not need to!

Day 19:

I am thankful for friends. They along with my family are my support.

They love Kelli and I as if we were the last people on earth to love.

They would do anything for us, as I would do the same for them.

It is nice to have such great and loving people in my life!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Day 18:

I am thankful for plans. There was a time in my life where I could never make plans because I didn't know if I would be awake or coming down. I just flew by the seat of my pants, doing whatever with whoever I felt like.

Now I can make plans and I have to say I kinda get upset (I am working on it) if it doesn't go as planned.

This weekend I have week I have plans!

I know that I can keep all these plans because I am sober and in my right mind. No more falling asleep in the middle of intersection or more trying to find a hit so that I can stay awake to do something-anything. No more!

I love plans!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Second Chances and Control (and Day 17)

Today I am thankful for a second chance, and third, and fourth, and so on. If I was not given this chance I would not be who I am today.

I have messed up a lot in my life and I know (and knew all along) that I could do better.

My higher power (who I choose to call God), my family, my friends, and even Kelli have given me this chance at life. There are times that I am not sure that I even deserve it, and I probably don’t, but it was given to me and I will make the most out of it.

There are days that I feel sorry for myself being an addict, there are days where I feel empowered being an addict, and there are days where I am just ok with being an addict.

But today, with my second chance, I can decide what I will deal (in the right way) with my feelings and move forward. The days of the past are over and I only see good things, people, and decisions from here on out.

I can say that just for today I love myself and the things I am doing. I don’t have to hide and I don’t have to look over my shoulder. I can embrace my freedom and everything it throws at me.

Progress NOT perfection.

As well as having my thankful post, I also have a piece by Josh to be included.  

Our Own Recovery

I was recently talking with a wonderful friend in recovery about how I wish I could help other addicts seeking recovery see what I see.  She reminded me that I only have control over my own recovery and actions.  This sank right in, and I have to always remember this. 

 It's just so different now that I've put some clean time under my belt, and shows me just how much my thoughts, actions and just life have changed.  The good thing I learned is this class and being around addicts new to recovery or those who may not have decided they are addicts; is that I used to be just like them. 

I used to be the guy who didn't think he was an alcoholic/addict.  I used to blame everyone else for my problems and why my life was so bad.  I used to not be able to accept that I was the one responsible for all the trouble I've been in (it was me who broke the law and got put on probation, not the probation officer making my life hard) This is just one of endless thoughts and ways I didn't accept that I was the only one with control over my decisions and actions.  Just because someone hits you, does not mean you have to hit them back.  You have that choice, of how to react. 

 Hearing the same excuses and ways of thinking that came from my own mouth in the past is part of how the phrase "we can only keep what we have, by giving it away" works.  By sharing my experience and hope with others, especially those new to recovery, reminds me of where I was, and how far I've come.  This is a very strong way I can easily motivate myself to keep continuing in my recovery.  It shows that the hope I began seeing in others' lives when I first came into recovery that helped me listen and take suggestions; is now clearly visible in my life.  I now have hope from personal experience in how my life has changed in recovery.  And trust me, I will take all the hope I can get my hands on. 

 I'm only responsible for my own recovery, and by sharing my experience, I'm able to keep what I've so freely been given.  I have no control over whether my sharing will ever help another addict or not, but I do know that it helps me continue in my recovery.  If I start putting expectations on what I hope will happen as a result from my sharing, then I'll only be placing a way to judge my own recovery based on others' reactions and choices.  I do not wish to put my life in others' hands today. 

My will and my life have been given to my Higher Power(though I still take parts of it back regularly and must keep surrendering each day), and I'm learning how to love and be compassionate by just being me and sharing my life, and experiences with others.  I can write a book, but have no control over whether anyone ever reads it or not.

Thank you Josh, as always well put and written.

I thank you Josh that you help out on this blog and you help me in my recovery everyday!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Day 16:

Today I am thankful for the little things in life.

Things that I either didn’t notice before or took for granted.

I am thankful that I can see them today and appreciate them.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Day 15:

Today I am thnakful for prison <- weird I know.

I was thinking last night where I would be if I had not been put into prison. I would be dead, or lost, or have no family.

So for that I am turly thankful that I had to go though prison so that I could be where I am today.

I have grown and become more of myself then I have ever been. It would not have been possible without prison.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Day 14:

Today I am thankful for my car.

It is an older car but it is MINE, that I pay for with legal tenders!

It gets me from point A to B with out any problems!

It is nice to pay and work for something that is mine alone.

Day 13:

I am thankfully for my house. It is warm and cozy.

It is a place for Kelli and I to lay our heads at night and make memiors.

It is OURS! And I love it.

Day 12:

I am thankful for my church. They are welcoming and loving. They know all about my past and they do not judge.

The are heart felt and real. They love fully, and it is great!

They help in anyway that they can and they are always there for a person when ever needed.

They are my other family.

Friday, November 11, 2011

This was my life...

So I love cafe mom. They have a blog type thing where people write about news stories. If you haven't checked it out you should go here ->

Anyways I find this article!

Darren Aronofsky directed Black Swan (the movie) well he also directed Meth PSA's for Meth Project

Here are a couple that he did:

Check out Meth Project Ads to see all the rest they are disturbing. Me being in this position before I actually cried well watching these. All I could think is that is so true that is where you will end up.

I hope that someone kid, adult, whoever out there sees these and it stops someone from using.

These are not tall tales of how people think you will turn up. THIS IS HOW YOUR LIFE WILL BE IF YOU USE METH! JUST ONCE!

JUST ONCE LISTEN...WATCH...AND KNOW....this is not the life you want!

Day Eleven:

Today I am grateful for bills. I know silly huh. BUT this is the first time that I have really paid my own bills on time and in full. I used to not be to worried about bills and was selfish and "in control" of my own life and didn't care what was paid or not.

Now my bills are paid and getting paid on time and I am thankful for that!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Day Ten:

I am thankful for my sponsor even though she says no alot lol. She helps keep me on the right track and is not only my sponsor but my friends. She is a wonderful and beautiful person inside and out. She gives me hope and inspiration when I can't find it myself. I love her and all she does in me and for me!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Day Nine: & More from Josh!

Today I am thankful for Josh! He is such a great friend in and out of recovery! I know that if I am having a problem with anything big or small he will be right there to listen. I am so proud of him for reaching his year clean! And I wish nothing but greatness for him!

From Josh:

Today was my first "birthday" in recovery, I've been clean for a whole year now. Though we take one day at a time, sometimes it helps strenghthen our recovery just by taking a look back and seeing how far we've come. Today, I am a completely different person than who I was a year ago. I've accomplished a lot of good things, met many new wonderful friends, and developed a growing relationship with my Higher Power. It's ok to be proud of our accomplishments, and I'm proud that I've made it this far in my recovery. But with that pride, comes the knowledge that I didn't, and couldn't have done it alone. The choice to turn my will and life over to my God was my foundation. By being honest about my addiction, I was able to learn what I needed to change in my thoughts, actions, and all that comes with living. Without the willingness to want to change, none of these first two would have probably been possible. Even after a year clean, by looking back, it's helped give me a fresh shot of willingness to continue changing and moving forward in my recovery, and life. Trust me, I was no where near perfect in my recovery, and still have a lot of work to do. But the beauty of being in recovery is that I realize that I can always better myself, and continue seeking a better relationship with my God. I'm still an addict today, just like I was my first day clean. Remembering this every single day is one way I start each day, and allows me to know that by following God's will for me, and not mine, I can stay clean today and keep growing. It's amazing to have been clean for a year, but even more amazing is that I stayed clean another day. By living this past year one day at a time, I allowed God to work in my life, and lead me to some amazing people and places to support me and show me how they stay clean. It works....but only if you work it. I like how it works for me, so I'm gonna continue working it today in my life. I've found that by being open-minded, so many opportunities and blessings have come my way. So my "birthday" present to myself today is I want to keep doing the things today, that have helped me stay clean and become a better person.

Congrats Josh!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Day Eight:

I am thankfully for my best friend in the whole world! To be honest she is my sis!

We are 2 totally different people, sometimes we both wonder how we made it together for so long. I am pretty sure because she brings my inner happiness out no matter how down I feel!

She is: Perfect! Loving! A great mom, wife, friend, sister, person. She is the good girl, do what needs to be done right and when. She is what I have always wanted to be! She is my inspiration and the one I can come to when I don't want to be judged. She is MY best friend.

I could not ask for a better friend no matter what we think or do we are always there for each other!

We have been best friends for 18 years! And I am looking forward to another 18+!

I love you Deb!

And for a little old school here is a picture of us when we were younger (way younger!)

Monday, November 7, 2011

Recovery Quotes

I needed these today

This is where I got them

•"When you're home by yourself you're behind enemy lines."

•"If you share your pain you cut it in half, if you don't you double it."

•"If you don't want what we have, go back out to what you had."

•"There's no elevator, you have to take the steps."

•"AA is not for people who need it, it's for people who want it."

•"Part of compliance is defiance, but you must arrive at acceptance of the disease."

•"I'm an egomaniac with an inferiority complex."

•"My head is like a bad neighborhood and I shouldn't go in there alone."

•" Religion is for people who are afraid they'll go to hell. Spirituality is for people who have been there."

•"I'm not going to give anybody free rent in my head."

•"I was hopelessly I'm dopelessly hopeful."

•"I used to be a hopeless dope fiend, now I'm a dopeless hope fiend."

•"I need to put things in perspective because I have a disease of perception."

•"An alcoholic is chosen to find God."

•"The quality of your recovery is proportional to the quality of your surrender."

•"I'm a W.C.S. person. That's Worst Case scenario"

•"I'm basically a negative person, that's why I'm so happy."

•"Untreated alcoholism without the steps on a daily basis will make my past my future."


•"Those who relapse are attending powerlessness graduate school."

•"This program changes the way I relate to me. That's what I'm trying to do, change the way I relate to me."

•"If you commit suicide you're killing the wrong person."

•"If you're not moving away from a drink you're moving closer to it."

•"I've been beating up on myself so much I feel like hitting myself."

•"A critic is a person who goes onto the battlefield after the battle has been fought and shoots the survivors."

•"AA is not a program to get's a program to live your life successfully and to be happy once you get sober."

•"I'd never trade my worst day sober for my best day drunk."

•"Being an alcoholic does not give me the excuse to act alcoholically."

•"I worked my using hard, so now I want to work my sobriety hard."

•"The shortest sentence in the Big Book is, "It Works." •"The power behind me is greater than the problem in front of me."

•"When you're in fear you're not in faith."

•"A fear faced is a fear erased."

•"Every time I draw a sober breath I'm like a fish out of water."

•"I was a scream in search of a mouth."

•"I didn't make it all the way to the beach to drown in the sand."

•"Drinking gave me the illusion that I might be alive." (Chekhov, Uncle Vanya)

•"I am one drink away from never being sober again for the rest of my life."

•"Praying is asking God for help, meditating is listening for God's

•"The reason I'm here is because I'm not all there."

•"Put your chip under your tongue and if it dissolves you can take another drink."

•"My biggest problem was bottles of the two-legged variety."

•"My basic problem is that I flee from those who want me and I pursue the rejectors."

•"When I live in the past, I live in regret. When I live in the future, I live in fear. When I stay in the NOW, everything's always okay." (from Joan T.)

•"If I could drink socially I'd get drunk every night."

•"There's no speeding in the trudging zone."

•"Having a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die."

•"Courage is fear in action."

•"Had the eyes no tears, the soul would have no rainbow." (from Teresa)

•"God will heal your broken heart, if you will give Him all the pieces." (from Teresa)

•"My life hereafter is from this moment on."

•"We are attracted to people who share in our growth and progress and lose interest in those who don't."

•"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." (Ambrose Redmoon)

•"Self will imprisoned me far more than bars ever did."

•"I've definitely got the "ism" in alcoholism...that's incredibly short memory."

•"I had to learn how to float in this program because I'm a sinker."

•On relapse: "I never did anything in moderation...except maybe the steps."

•"Bring the body and the mind follows." •"It's not the load that reaks you's the way you carry it."

•"When you choose the lesser of two evils, always remember that it is still an evil." (Max Lerner)

•"If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

•"Go often to the house of thy friend, for weeds choke the unused path."

•(Ralph Waldo Emerson) •"Life is not so much a matter of position as of disposition."

•"Seven days without a meeting makes one weak." (from Herb B.)

•Regarding hanging out at bars: "If you hang out at the barbershop long enough you're bound to get a haircut." ( from Bill G.)

•On relapse: "I never did anything in moderation...especially the steps."

•"Bring the body and the mind follows."

•"Tomorrow's a fantasy and yesterday's gone...there's only today."

•"Thank you, God, for the beautiful day I'm going to have if I can just get rid of my fucking attitude."

•"We're sick people trying to get better, not bad people trying to be good."

•"When you've got one foot in yesterday and the other in tomorrow, you can only piss on today." (from Steve and Anjanette)

•"The only way to have gratitude is to live in the now, not in the past or the future."

•"I didn't get my life back in this program...I got my life for the first time."

•"I never had a problem that was worse than the old solution I found for it."

•"What other people think of you is none of your business."

•"If it wasn't for denial my life would be shit."

•"Change only happens when the pain of holding on is greater than the fear of letting go."

•"An expectation is a premeditated resentment."

•"I used to shoot up and throw up, now I suit up and show up." (David F.)

•"If you can't love everybody today, at least try not to hurt anybody."

•"The reasonable person adapts to society. An unreasonable person adapts society." (Terry M.)

•"Give us the fortitude to endure the things which cannot be changed, and the courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to know one from the other." (Oliver J. Hart)

•"If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter."

•"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." (Mark Twain)

•"My sobriety depends on who God is, not who I am." (Duane M.)

•"You cannot save your ass and your face at the same time." (Dennis K.)

•"Cash register honesty is easier than being honest with yourself, because at least you know the rules." (Ginger)

•"Acceptance without gratitude is bullshit."

•"You're not responsible for your disease, but you are responsible for your behavior."

•"If you don't want what we have, we will cheerfully refund your misery."

•"Have a nice day unless you've made other plans."

•"If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it."

•"Now that I'm sober I hit my knees in a different way than I used to." (Jay)

•"Work to become, not to acquire." (Elbert Hubbard)

•Regarding believing in God: "Pretend. Act as if. Fake it until you make it."

•"Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps." (David Lloyd George)

•On the hopelessness of addiction from somebody who is still using: "I used to think there was light at the end of the tunnel, but for me today the light is on alocomotive headed right for me."

•The value of the average conversation could be enormously improved by the constant use of four simple words: "I do not know."

* One Day at a time

* It works if you work it

* Keep it simple stupid (KISS

* Let go, let God

* First things first

*Easy does it!

* Honesty, Openness, Willingness (HOW)

* My worst day sober is better than my best day high.

* Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

"Living our pre-AA active daily lifestyle was akin to switching seats on the Titanic."

•"You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails."

•"Yes, you can be a dreamer and a doer too, if you will remove one word from your vocabulary: impossible." (Robert Schuller)

•"If triangles had a God, he would have 3 sides." (Montesquieu)

•"Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough but not baked in the same oven." (Yiddish proverb)

•"Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time." (Robert Schuller)

•"Real generosity toward the future lies in giving all to the present." (Albert Camus)

•"Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats." (O'Neill)

•"The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but reveal to them their own." (Disraeli)

•"The worst of all deceptions is self-deception." (Plato)

•"Whenever you fall, pick something up." (Oswald Avery)

•"If you continually give you will continually have."

•"He then learns that in going down into the secrets of his own mind he has descended into the secrets of all minds." (Emerson)

•"It is easier to get forgiveness than permission." (Cecile Stewart)

•"Fear knocked on my door...I opened it and there was nobody there."

•"Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it."

•The most important word in the Steps is the first one... "WE"

•"The world ain't gonna kiss my butt just because I'm getting sober."

•"My mind is out to get me."

•"A recovering alcoholic without a sponsor is much like leaving Dracula in charge of the blood bank."

•"Relapse starts long before the drink is drunk."

•"First the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man."

•The secret to long term sobriety: Don't drink, don't die.

•"If from the skies fall lemons, make lemonade." (Gabriel G.)

•"Don't let the limits of your imagination block you from what God can do for you." (Suzanne)

•"Angels fly because they take themselves so lightly."

•"I have a very high pain threshold and a very low fear threshold."

•"I always look for the hardest way to do the easiest thing." (Jay M.)

•"If you don't grow, you go."

•"If you don't hear what you need to hear, say what you need to hear."

•"we shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time..." (T.S. Elliot)

•"Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time. Then your time on earth will be filled with glory." (Betty Smith)

•"Nothing contributes more to peace of soul than having no opinion at all." (George Christopher Lichtenberg)

•"We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world." (Helen Keller)

•"Fear is a darkroom for developing negatives."

•"I would rather be able to appreciate things I can not have than to have things I am not able to appreciate.(Elbert Hubbard)

•"A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor."

•"When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last." (Griffin's Thought)

•"While I'm in a meeting, my disease is out in the parking lot doing push-ups." (Mike M.)

•"When I moved in sobriety, I went to the meetings and thought,'Oh, you do things differently here...i.e., wrong.'" (Mike M.)

•"Laziness is no more than the habit of resting before you get tired." (Jules Renard)

•"Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think."

•"It is not length of life, but depth of life." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

•Two step formula for handling stress: 1. Don't sweat the small stuff. 2. Remember that it's all small stuff. (Anthony Robbins)

•"The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness." (the •character Annie Savoy in the film Bull Durham)

•"Listen or thy tongue will keep thee deaf." (American Indian

•"When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail." (Abraham Maslow)

•Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

•"A day without sunshine is like night."

•"He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead." •ON
HUMILITY: "To err is human, to moo bovine."

•ON PROPHECY: "The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse."

•"People that don't go to meetings, don't hear about what happens to people that don't go to meetings." (Phil A.)

•"You can't think your way into right have to live your way into right thinking." (Pat H.)

•"If you're not enjoying this program, maybe you're not working it right." (Pat H.)

•"If you find working the steps too hard, try living them instead...that's where the real joy in the program lies." (Pat H.)

•"If you wanna make God laugh, tell him YOUR plans for the day." (Bob B.)

•"United we stand; divided we stagger."

•"Complete is proved only by giving. All you are unable to give possesses you." (Andre Gide)

•"If you truly want to understand something, try to change it. "
(Kurt Lewin)

•"He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over."

•"He who no's himself is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened."

•"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.(Winston Churchill)

•"There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong."

•"A designer knows he has achieved perfection not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.(Antoine de Saint-Exup'ery)

•"Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation."

•"Nervousness is just God trying to shake the truth out of you."

•"Belief without action is the ruin of the soul."
(Edward Abbey)

•"He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough."

•"I have often regretted my speech, never my silence."

•"Our defects of character are the bars of a cage. The central point is not to study the bars, but to get out of the cage."

•"Recovery is a journey between two stations. One station represents total chaos, and the other represents total serenity. What is important is not where you are, but what direction you are facing."

•Life without recovery: Even roses have thorns. Life in recovery: Even thorns have roses.

•"If you do not know where you are going, then any road will take
you there." (David L.)

•"The slogans work much better for me when I decorate my life with them rather than decorating the walls with them." (Jenn K.)

•"The most natural state of an alcoholic is irritable, restless, and discontented."

•"We are human BEings, not human DOings."

•"Recognizing someone else's human dignity cannot cost you your own."

•"I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me."

•"If you don't want what we have, your misery can be refunded."

•"Funny...I ruined my health by drinking to other's!"

•"Don't Entertain The Thought."

•"Progress Not Perfection."

•"The chains of alcohol are too light to be felt until they are too strong to be broken."

•"I didn't get into trouble every time I drank, but every time I got into trouble I was drinking.

•"Happiness is not a place you arrive at, it is a way you travel."

•"The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." (Marcel Proust)

•"Is it not better to aim your spear at the moon and strike only an eagle, than to aim your spear at the eagle, and strike only a rock?"

•"If your ass falls off, put it in a paper bag and take it to a meeting."

•"If my brain didn't need me for transportation, it would have killed me a long time ago!" •"If you're not a lion tamer, don't go into the lion's den."

•"You can't speed up your recovery, but you sure can slow it down."

•"If I don't let go, I lose my grip."

•"If God is your co-pilot, SWITCH SEATS!"

•"It's 11:00, do you know where your brain is?"

•"Talk does not cook rice."

•New York Steps 1, 2, and 3: "I can't, He can, so let Him!"

•"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got."

•"We'll love you until you learn to love yourself."

•"Don't give up before the miracle happens."

•"Unless I accept my virtues, I will be overwhelmed with my faults."

•"Pray daily, God is easier to talk to than most people."

•"Willpower tells me I must, but willingness tells me I can."

•"Emotions aren't facts."

•"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less."

•"If GOD drives you out, BOOZE will bring you back."

•"You can't think your way into a new way of have to
live your way into a new way of thinking!"

•"No God, no peace...Know God, know peace."

•"It's not the yets we have to worry about, it's the again's."

•"Rejection is God's protection."

•INTIMACY = In-to-me-I-see •

"ME + U is a power greater than ME. U + US is a power greater than U."

•"Winners do what they have to do and losers do what they want to do."

•"It is easier to stay sober than to get sober."

•"My anxiety is in my indecision."

•"Whatever you put before your sobriety; you shall surely lose."

•"Why put off today, what you can put off tomorrow."

•"He who fails to plan, plans to fail."

•"Anything worth doing well, is well worth overdoing."

•"Nothing changes if nothing changes."

•"Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching?"

•"The only weapon that becomes sharper with constant use is the tongue."

•"Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as true strength." (Ralph Sockman)

•"Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is." (Thomas Szasz)

•"To gain that worth having, it may be necessary to lose everything else." (Bernadette Devlin)

•"The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism."

•"Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong." (Dandemis)

•"Reputation: what others are not thinking about you." •"The only time you don't fail is the last time you try anything - and it works. (William Strong)

•"It's not a matter of where you stand but in what direction you're

•"May you live all the days of your life." (Jonathan Swift)

•"He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over."

•"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty." (George Bernard Shaw)

•"Don't mistake pleasure for happiness. They're a different breed of dog."(Josh Billings)

•"Modesty is the only sure bait when you angle for praise." (Lord Chesterfield)

•"Swing hard, in case they throw the ball where you're swinging." (Duke Snider)

•"If you judge, investigate." (Seneca)

•"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." (Mark Twain)

*"Friendship is like money, easier made than kept." (Samuel Butler)

•"The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there." (Robert M. Pirsig)

•"I'm not much, but I'm all I think about."

•"Don't let the urgent get in the way of the important."

•"People who relapse usually do so because they accepted the things they could have changed."

•"AA is not for people who need it. AA is not for people who want it. AA is for people who do it.

Just for today

November 7

Feeling God's Will

"I sincerely believed that a Higher Power could restore my sanity and that I would stop trying to figure out what God's will was, just accept things for what they were, and be grateful." Basic Text p. 198
The longer we stay clean, the less surely we "know" what our Higher Power's will for us is - and the less it matters. Knowledge of our Higher Power's will becomes less a "knowing" thing and more a "feeling" thing. We still practice the Eleventh Step faithfully. But rather than look for "signs" from our Higher Power, we begin to rely more on our intuition, trusting our feelings about what will make us comfortable.
After staying clean a few years, what we do seem to know is when we are acting against God's will for us. When we are going against God's will, we get that old uncomfortable feeling in our gut. That queasiness is a warning that, if we continue in this direction, ahead lie many sleepless nights. We need to pay attention to such feelings, for they are often signals that we are acting contrary to our Higher Power's will for us.

Our Eleventh Step clearly states the true goal of prayer and meditation: improvement of our conscious contact with the God of our understanding, bringing us clearer knowledge of our Higher Power's will for us and the power to carry it out. We know God's will most clearly by how it feels, not by "signs" or words - and it feels right.

Just for today: I will pray for the knowledge of my Higher Power's will for me and the power to carry it out. I will pay attention to my feelings, and act when they feel right.
pg. 325


So I was reading this article from Addiction Recovery Basics and I just starting thinking that these past couple of weeks this is so me.

You can find the article here: Dry Drunk | An In Depth Explanation Of The Dry Drunk In Recovery

I have been struggling with my decision about S and I. But this article really made me think that I did the right thing.

Victory over struggling

November 7

…we will be victorious if we have not forgotten how to learn. –Rosa Luxemburg

               For most of us the struggle was long, painful, and lonely to the place where we are now. But survive we have, and survive we will. The times we thought we could go no further are only dimly recalled. The experiences we were certain would destroy us fit ever so neatly into our book of memories.

               We have survived, and the program is offering us the means for continued survival. Step by step we are learning to handle our problems, build relationships based on honesty, and choose responsible behavior. We are promised serenity if we follow the steps.

               Gratitude for our survival is best expressed by working the program, setting an example for others, helping those women who haven’t yet attained victory. We must give away what we have learned to make way for our own new growth. There are many victories in our future if we keep pressing forward, opening new doors, and trusting in the process of the program and its promises.

I am still willing to learn or I wouldn’t be here, now. There are victories in my future. I will look for a victory today. It’s certain to accompany responsible action on my part.

I am not sure how I feel

Ok, So S and I have decided to take a break. I feel like I was where I wanted to be and then when we got together stepped away from that. He doesn't know who he is. We both think that this would be best for us.

This is the first decision that I have made that would be considered an adult hard decision. I made it, I am staying strong, and we will go from there.

I know that it is the right decision but it stills hurts.

I think that we just moved to fast to quick.

Unto getting back to where I was and working on me.

Day Seven:

Today I am thankful for making mature decisions and realizing that even if they are hard it is the right thing to do.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Day Six:

I am thankful for S. We might have our own way of thinking on some things. But he keeps me grounded and shows me that I deserve to be loved. He is some of what I always wanted and some I didn't know needed!

I love you S!

Saturday, November 5, 2011


By Josh:

‪One of the many problems that comes with addiction is inability to communicate.  By using, we simply push our feelings and emotions on the back burner, thus not talking about them at all.  It also affects the things that we do communicate to others.  Many of these are negative; i.e. blaming others for our problems, telling our friends that they don't have it as bad as we do, or flat out lying and saying everything is ok, when it is not.  When we get clean, part of recovery is learning how to communicate in positive ways.  By being vocal about our feelings, and things that are bothering us; we begin accepting that we can't do it alone.  Asking for help, or just sharing how we feel with another person is the first step in acknowledging that there is even a problem.  If you can't even acknowledge there is a problem to begin with, how will you ever solve it?  It also strives to be honest, not exaggerating or dramatizing events and feelings.  Just simply try to state how you feel.  We can only change ourselves and take responsibility for our actions and thoughts; so when communicating try to just stick to your role in any situation.  What could of I said to help the situation, how could've I acted differently?  Questions like these have helped me from day one of my path in recovery.  We also can strive to speak in ways that clearly get our points across, remembering that it's not always what we say, but how we say it as well.  We cannot control how someone may take our words; but we can control what we say, how we say it. Also, by thinking before we speak, we can at least leave a lot less room for how our words are interpreted.  Since I'm being honest, I'll admit I gossip at times.  I'm trying more and more each day to refrain from this, because it usually leads to hurting someone and a lot of miscommunication between people.  If you have a problem with someone, it's never really gonna be solved by talking to everyone but that person.  And we also can't expect our friends or others to fight our battles for us.  The way I've found works best, is just talking to the person in a respectful manner.  Just letting them know how I feel about what's going on, and admitting my role in it.  I don't need to blame them at all.  More often than not, if they're a true friend or care about you at all, you can work it out together.  If not, and they just tell you your wrong, I personally choose not to have those type of people in my life today.  We communicate everyday, in all sorts of different ways; with our children, family members, friends, co-workers, and even strangers.  People are not mind readers(at least I have never met one), and our words can have a great impact on others.  Today, I do my best to be honest, and express my thoughts and feelings in a respectful manner.  Today I am aware of the power and impact my words can have on myself and others

Day Five:

I am thankful for my job. it is hard enough to get a job in this economy but it is also harder when you have felonies against you!

I am thankful to my boss for giving me the second chance to prove myself!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Saw this and loved it!

Day Four:

I am thankful for 13 months clean and sober today! It is amazing how much my life is different from last year! I am grateful for that.

I did not think that I would ever be here, but now that I am here I can't imagine being any where else.

What are you thankful for today?

Thursday, November 3, 2011


Ok, so S and I are living together. Although I do love him and am grateful for what we have and how he treats Kelli and I. I find myself (sometimes) being resentful. I want to have my space. Also although I did not like coming home to an empty house and I like the aspect of S being there with my all the time, I find it more difficult to have "me" time.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!


October 26

My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue, An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view.

-Carole King

               Every event of our lives is contributing a rich thread to our personal tapestry. Each of us is weaving one unique to ourselves, but all of our tapestries are complementary. We need others’ rich designs in order to create our own.

               We seldom have the foresight to understand the worth, the ultimate value of a particular circumstance at its beginning. But hindsight offers us clarity. It’s good to reflect on the many circumstance that failed to thrill us; in all cases we can now see why we needed them. As our trust in God and the goodness of all experiences grow, we’ll more quickly respond with gladness when situations are fresh. No experience is meant for harm. We are coming to understand that, even though on occasion we forget.

               Practicing gratitude will help us more fully appreciate what has been offered us. Being grateful influences our attitude; it softens our harsh exterior and takes the threat out of most new situations.

If I greet the day, glad to be alive, I will be gladdened by all the experience in store for me. Each is making a necessary contribution to my wholeness.


November 3
Self-help must precede help from others. Even for making certain of help from heaven, one has to help oneself. –Morarji Desai
               When all is said and done, we are responsible for what happens to our lives. Not that we can control circumstance, but the ultimate decisions as to attitude, acceptance, and behavior are in our hands. Other people may give us our start, but our finish is up to us.
               Sonny’s self-esteem was taking a beating because of his many failed relationships with women. Again and again, this sweet, good-looking man had been certain that “this was it.” Then, mysteriously to him, the woman always backed out, called it off. Until he got professional help, Sonny didn’t realize that he was subconsciously restaging the drama of his mother’s rejection. At 41, he was still looking to the woman in his life for the unconditional acceptance and approval that he had been denied so many years ago. Not so mysteriously, his woman friends decided to look for partners who were perhaps less sweet, but certainly less needy.
               Over time, Sonny learned that he had been unrealistic and unfair in his relationships. By letting go of the past, he reclaimed his power to function in the present-as a man rather than a boy. At last he took his self-esteem out of his mother’s hands. As must we.
Until I leave “what was” behind me, I will keep reliving it.

Tough love!

When I read this daily devotion I couldn't help but think about Dad and Mom's blog, especially this post "Tough Love-The language of negativity"

October 27

This is what is hardest: to close the open hand because one loves. –Friedrich Nietzsche

               To protect our own integrity and peace of mind, we may have to redefine the word love. Sometimes no is the kindest word we can say to a family member or close friend who’s in serious trouble with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, or any other ravaging obsession. Their suffering pushes all our “rescue” buttons. What we feel like doing is straightening out their messes and protecting them from further harm. If we could, we would banish all their miseries with the touch of a magic wand! But we can’t. Often the only thing we can do to help our self-destructive loved ones is to stop helping completely. As hard as it is, as unnatural as it feels, we may have to make some or all of the following declarations of love if we want to shorten our loved one’s path to the recovery turnoff.

·        I love you, so I won’t buy your groceries or pay your rent.

·        I love you, so I won’t loan you money or the use of my credit.

·        I love you, so I won’t call in sick for you at work.

·        I love you, so I won’t cover your bounced check.

·        I love you. So I won’t let you move in with me.

·        I love you, so I won’t listen to your excuses or accept your lies.

·        I love you, so I won’t make your bail.

If we know down deep that these words need to be spoken, we need to practice them until we can get them out. Many recovering people only got turned around because someone loved them enough to give them a cold shoulder instead of a helping hand.

Whoever said that love was easy?

Love=Listen? Listen=Love?

October 26
The first duty of love is to listen. –Paul Tillich
               Dan and his daughter Sissy had been clashing for years. He found her unconventional lifestyle just as outrageous and unacceptable as she found his righteous criticism. Round after round of angry insults, like buckshot, had riddled the self-esteem if both father and daughter.
               Then they went in to counseling. In the presence of a third person, each of them had a chance to talk without interruption. In that safe environment, swords were sheathed, shields were lowered, wounds were allowed to get some healing air. Amazingly, they began to talk to each other without shouting or accusing, by listening, each began to see, if not agree with, the other’s point of view.
               Dan had sincerely believed that Sissy’s manner and dress were simply defiance of his authority. He learned that her style had nothing to do with him. It was merely her way to fit in, to be part of the group. Sissy learned that Dan didn’t really want his own way so much as he wanted her safety from harm. He saw her far-out clothing and haircut as abnormal and dangerous. Slowly, as each came to understand the other a little better, they came to accept each other as human beings with different opinions, rather than as enemies locked in fatal combat. By listening and learning, they were able to call off the war and both be winners.
Understanding is a healing balm.


1. a person who believes that only selfishness motivates human actions and who disbelieves in or minimizes selfless acts or disinterested points of view.
2. (initial capital letter) one of a sect of Greek philosophers, 4th century b.c., who advocated the doctrines that virtue is the only good, that the essence of virtue is self-control, and that surrender to any external influence is beneath human dignity.
3. a person who shows or expresses a bitterly or sneeringly cynical attitude.
October 25
What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing. –Oscar Wilde
               Some people defend themselves, and thus their self-esteem, by wearing an armored suit of cynicism. The worst thing they can imagine is being “taken” in any way. The shame and humiliation of being set up and then let down would be nothing short of unbearable. So every morning they strap on their armor plates and go clunking through another day, stifling, sweating, but puncture-proof, by golly! Nobody’s ever going to get the better of them.
               But the armor wearers aren’t going to get the best of themselves, either. Too much is locked inside-good, human stuff like hope and tenderness and sincerity. It isn’t possible to be so distrustful and defensive about other people without looking at ourselves as so vulnerable that we couldn’t survive even a pinprick of disappointment or deceit.
               We can’t use pessimism and suspicion to protect ourselves without becoming mummified. We can’t learn to believe in ourselves and also have a sneering disbelief in the motives and integrity of every person we meet. And we certainly can’t ever dance under all that armor. No. until we rid ourselves of cynicism, the only step we know goes clunk, clunk, clunk.
As I gain confidence, my defensiveness fades.

I am guilt of having a suit of armor. Although my suit was made of Meth. Meth kept everything away from me and I did not get hurt. Now that I am sober I can no longer look to my "armor" and have it protect me, no longer can I look at people with the same distrust that I did before. No body "put one over on me" I put one over on myself. I lived in my addiction longer then I should have because of it.
But today I am free and I know that this life is easier then the one I was living. I can trust other and myself. I can love others and myself. But most importantly I can enjoy others AND myself!

Just for today I will let my defensiveness fade and let my confidence shine though!

Day Three:

I am thankful for my family!

They are the best and I know that without there support and love I would not have made it as far as I have sober.

They are the best that I could ever ask for!

I love you all so much!

Day Two:

I am thankful for my beautiful daughter, Kelli, who has made me see that I am not the most important person in this world. She has also helped me grow as a mother, person, and woman.

I don't know what I would do without her!

Day One:

Each day I am going to post something that I am thankful for.

Day One: I am very thankful for my higher power (who I choose to call God). He has helped me though many things and I know that I would not be where I am today without him!

What are you thankful for?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


S and I took the kids trick-r-treating last night. It was a blast!

Last year I was in county jail and it was the first Halloween that I have ever missed since Kelli had been born!

But I didn't miss it this year!

SO without further ado, here is my beautiful Barbie Princess!

I hope that everyone had a great Halloween with lots of CANDY!