Thursday, May 17, 2012

Well, we made it!

Today is Kelli's last day of kindergarten, at 11:06 she will officially be a first grader. WOW!

*Yes, I have cried today, mainly when I was putting her on the bus for her last day of school! Ugg I am going to cry again*

I can not believe how fast they grow.

I am so proud of her, I can not express how much.

There are time's that she annoys me and I look at her and think, Really?, there are time's (ok alot of them) that she doesn't listen to me and thinks that she knows it all (I have no idea where she gets that).

But all and all my baby is a good, sweet, loving, and charming girl.

She has more of me in her then I would like to admit. BUT I hope that it is more of the good then the bad.

I have hopes and dreams for her, like all parents do. I just have to remember not to push to hard for her to be more then me, or she will run the other way.

I am having a hard time with that here lately.

Kelli's last kindergarten report card. Look at the bottom! Placement for Fall 2012-Grade 1!

Kelli getting off the bus on her last day of school.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Write about it.

Today at work is slow. So I decided to finish up my 3rd step…after I finished it up after working on it for over a month (my poor sponsor). I decided to check out today’s Just for today.

May 9th, 2012

Write about it!
Page 135

"We sit down with a notebook, ask for guidance, pick up our pen, and start writing."

Basic Text, p. 30

When we're confused or in pain, our sponsor sometimes tells us to "write about it." Though we may groan as we drag out the notebook, we know that it will help. By laying it all out on paper, we give ourselves the chance to sort through what's bothering us. We know we can get to the bottom of our confusion and find out what's really causing our pain when we put the pen to the paper.

Writing can be rewarding, especially when working through the steps. Many members maintain a daily journal. Simply thinking about the steps, pondering their meaning, and analyzing their effect is not sufficient for most of us. There's something about the physical action of writing that helps to fix the principles of recovery in our minds and hearts.

The rewards we find through the simple action of writing are many. Clarity of thought, keys to locked places inside of us, and the voice of conscience are but a few. Writing helps us be more honest with ourselves. We sit down, quiet our thoughts, and listen to our hearts. What we hear in the stillness are the truths that we put down on paper.

Just for Today: One of the ways I can search for truth in recovery is to write. I will write about my recovery today.

Copyright (c) 2012, NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

I have a journal that I write in almost every night. I love to write about things that are bothering me. It really does help to just sit down; just you, paper, and pen. You get the thoughts out there that you can’t voice. You can figure out why you are feeling the way you are feeling. As well as being able to go back on your past writings and look at how far you can from just a few short months ago.

Whenever a friend or family member approchs me with a problem, more times then not the phase “write it out” is said.

I love how free you feel after you have a good writing session. Not all that I write down makes sense to others, but it makes sense to me!

I would recommend to anyone (addict or not) if you have never tried to write it out, try it! You never know what something can do for you until you try it.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

A different story!

A couple of post ago I asked for stories that other addicts would like to share, and today's post is the first one I have received, please feel free to send your stories in, they do help people.

The only way you can keep what you have is by giving it away.

I hope you enjoy this story of addiction and the road to recovery. (Names have been changed)

I have always been a troubled kid. I was 14 when I started gang banging and smoking weed.  I was influenced by my friends and family to that lifestyle. I was getting in to gang wars, stealing bikes, wallets and stealing from my enemies.  There were never consequences for me. My Mom was rarely home and visited another City a lot of the time so I was by myself.   I basically had a place where my “homies” could come and party.

It wasn’t long before I was expelled from school for fighting. My Mom sent me to live with an Aunt and go to a school in the middle of nowhere. That was the worst thing to have done. This new school was full of “G’s” and I was back in business quickly.

That school didn’t work so my Mom brought me to live with her in L.A.  She put me in another school. Eventually, I met an older guy and started selling Cocaine for him. I still had only smoked pot and never really didn’t want to do other drugs. The older guy and his gorgeous girlfriend convinced me one day to take it.  I was mad at myself. My promise to myself to never do anything other than weed was gone.  Pretty soon I was doing coke and ecstasy.  At one point I took so much ecstasy I was high for two weeks.

By the time I was 17 I moved on to Norco’s, somas, volume, and then Roxy’s which became Oxy’s and of course I was selling them. By the time I was 18 the State of CA stopped making Oxy and everyone was left withdrawing including me.  Soon I moved on to Heroin. I myself was smoking 3 grams a day. Life as a dealer/addict was great.  I had money that I never had before and respect. People had to come to me for drugs and I was always up for a fight if need be. I earned a lot of respect but it was from the wrong people. Over time I was getting depressed and realized that my future was held together with a thin string that was about to break. I was tired of looking over my shoulder or my heart dropping when I saw the Police. I was also tired of depending on a drug to get me through the day.

Right after I was 20, I told my business partner that I was going away for a few days. I left everything, all the money I had made all my clothes, everything.  I didn’t want to bring with me anything that I had bought as the result of drugs. I could not tell my business partner what I was doing it was a very dangerous game I had been playing.  I went to my Mom’s house to stay and tried to get through the withdrawals without her knowing. Within a couple of days it was too extreme to hide. I broke down and told my Mom and for the next two weeks she helped me. I went through this cold turkey which I knew was deadly but I had no means to get help and decided that I had to do it.

I had a few friends who wrote music but didn’t use anything but weed.  I used to write with them and started hanging out with them again.  Soon after my best friend who is like a Brother to me was also sober and he went back home after jail and then I moved in too.  I was living there when they did his intervention and was actually not doing anything at that time. Even though I was living with him back then we didn’t hang out much. Now that we were both clean at the same time for once it was a good time to go back and live with them.  We helped each other. I had gotten sober about 3 months before Bryon.

I didn’t think much of it but I still smoked weed occasionally. I didn’t see the harm in smoking weed.  One day I left my backpack on the porch.  Bryon’s dad saw it and went through it. He found a small amount of weed.  I knew I couldn’t justify it but he said some things that made me think about what I really wanted out of life. I thought I had come so far being out of the thug life and off drugs but I have so much further I need to go. Basically, because Bryon has to be free of everything and they did not want anything around the little Brother Dane or Bryon. Cliff told me that if Dane had found that then he felt not only would Dane feel it is okay that we as the Parents were allowing someone to stay here that was smoking weed and that it was okay. It was also a concern because weed is still a big issue with Bryon. He doesn’t see why he can’t smoke it. I can’t do weed as long as I am staying there and they are testing all of us. So I made the decision to stop.  I realized it wasn’t helping me in my life and I needed to make bigger changes.

I decided that I was finally going to work on my dream of being a pro fighter. Bryon’s little Brother Dane found me a Gym to train at close by and Cliff (the Dad) and Dane took me to the Gym to talk to the owner.  I train every day now at the Gym and have already done some “legal” fighting.  I have not smoke weed at all and do not even have a drink anymore. After I was caught with the weed and decided to go in to fighting I stopped everything including eating fast food.  There is no point for me to smoke weed occasionally or to even have a beer anymore.  I suppose it could be argued that I was not sober but I feel I was. It has been almost one year that I have not had Heroin or any hard drugs.  It has been about two months since I have had weed or any alcohol or fast food oh and I even quit smoking.  I am healthier than I have ever been.  I will be 21 in the next week and I am very proud of myself for where I am today.

I still have a long way to go and I know it would have been very hard for me if I hadn’t been able to move in with them.  I couldn’t stay at my Mom’s any longer and I think it is probably good for both Bryon and I that we have each other. I hope that I have helped him with his sobriety as much as he has helped me. I have been here since November 2011 this time.  I am looking for a job so that I can get my own place.  I will continue to train to be a pro fighter and for once I am excited about my future.  I am taking it slow and working on my life free of drugs.

For anyone fighting to be sober, don’t give up.  No one thought I would get sober or stay sober.  It doesn’t matter how you get sober, rehab, jail or just because you want to.  Just don’t give up.


Not all addicts get sober the same way. What works for one addict might not work for another. Although NA has helped me, that doesn't mean that just because an addict does not go to NA he/she will not be successful.

It doesn't matter how you become long as you get there!

Thank you so much Darren for sharing your story! :)

Friday, May 4, 2012

Enabling gone to far...

I was visiting Recovery Now Newspaper and came across this article: Grandmother Arrested for Aiding Her Granddaughter's Heroin Use

Enabling is a touchy subject:
Addicts are very manipulative; we will do anything to get what we want when we want it.

Parents, or loved ones, are willing to do whatever they need to do to help their child….or should I say what they think is helping their child.


This (in my opinion) is taking enabling too far. You have to wonder what went through the grandmother’s mind when this was happening.

What do you guys think?

And to the POA’s out there, would you ever do something like this, if you thought it was "helping" the addict out?

Thursday, May 3, 2012

A year...A big difference

I have wanted to write this post since April 19th….I just now have gotten around to it! Sorry guys!

A year ago April 18th at 5:30 pm I was walking out of Prison.

Until that point when someone would ask me what I was doing a year ago that day, I would flash back to pictures of the chow hall, other prisoners in their fashionable get-ups, and CO’s running our lives…a miserable time in my life.

NOW, when someone asks me, I no longer have to say sitting in prison…I can tell them enjoying time with my daughter and family, being and feeling free, working on myself.

Let me tell you a year makes a lot of difference when you are sober!

In active addiction the hours, days, months, and years are all pretty much the same…they all revolve around addiction.

In my sober life I have seen the changes from a year:

·       I got a job 3 weeks after I got out of prison AND I still have it.

·       I bought a car AND I still have it.

·       Kelli and I moved into our home AND we are still there.

·       I was sober for Kelli’s 6th birthday AND I will still be sober for Kelli’s 7th birthday.

·       I was sober for the start of kindergarten AND I am still sober as kindergarten ends.

·       I have actually seen Kelli grow…every day she wakes up I swear she is another foot taller!

·       I have a relationship with my friends and family that grows stronger every day.

·       I have friends that are there for ME not the DRUGS, and that love ME not what I can give them

There are so many things that have gone on in this year that I could not possibly list them all. Good and bad…BUT the difference this year has made is that when the bad times come I know that I do not have to use because of them. Today I have a choice and that feels so great!