Thursday, September 29, 2011

Please help!

Blogger family I need your advice!

Kelli is not listening or behaving at school and in all honesty here at home either.

I have tried everything; taking things away, early bedtime, extra chores, spanking, and yelling. Nothing is working! I don't know what to do!

Any and all advice is welcomed and appreciated!

Side note: I understand that this is my fault because in the past I didnot make her listen or really care (sad but ture) just now I feel hopeless and like I am drowning.

Thank you

This to shall pass!

So I have to confess....

I have been sick for the past 4 or 5 days, although I am much better now and am on the mend, but I had a very low moment.

See when you are on Meth you don't get sick, well unless you are coming down and then you just use more and guess what your problem goes away.

I think you don't get sick because you have so many chemicals (mostly over the counter medicines) going though your body that it "protects" (<- I'm sorry I don't know another word) you from getting sick.

Yesterday was the worst day of the sickness, I could not get out of bed, I felt well for a lack of a better word yucky.

I actually thought not once, not twice, but a few times that if I did a shot that I would feel much better and I could go to work, clean the house, do the "motherly" things that needed to be done.

And you know what, I probably could have, BUT then what would have happened to me after I came down? The guilt of not being able to do something a "normal" person can do without getting high, the guilt of screwing up so close to having a year sober! Ug! I felt guilty even thinking about it!

What is wrong with the drug that no matter how good you are doing in life that it trys to bring you down?

Why is addiction so powerful that even the normal things make you think about getting high?

How messed up am I that I let a drug ruin my life?

Just some of the questions that I am asking myself.

But you know what, I got though this and many other things sober, so I am going to keep on going. I just hate that this is a daily battle within myself that I feel I may end up losing at one point. But I am going to fight it everyday!

I just have to remember that as long as I don't pick up that first time I will be ok.

Just for today I am sober!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Sick and tired :(

I haven't wrote for a couple of days, mainly because I am sick along with Kelli.

So I am going to keep this short, I am forcing myself to write on here because if I don't try to keep my self busy I feel like I could curl up and sleep for ages.

I am hoping that this isn't something to serious. I took Kelli to the doctor on Friday and he said that she has a upper respiratory infection. My poor baby, but she is back to her old self and is playing and says she is feeling good.

Mommy on the other hand not so much, I am glad that I have S he helps me so much. S tried to talk me into going to the doctors, but this momma does not do doctors! I do not like them.

My nephew was born Saturday, he was 8 lbs 11.7 ozs and 20.5 inches long. I was in the room when my sister had him, it was amazing! It is something that I will never forget!

Ok, I am already exhausted and I haven't even wrote that much, so I am going to end this right here.

I hope that everyone is having a great week. I wish you love and health!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Just had to share!

Last night:

Me- Kelli do you know how much I love you?

Kelli- How much mommy?

Me- I love you a super super lot!

Kelli- Is that like 111?

Me- LOL yes something like that!

Kelli- Wow mommy that's alot of love!

I love my baby girl!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Just a mixture!

Well first let me start by saying 6 years ago exactly I was in the hospital giving birth to my beautiful baby girl! I didn't know at that time how much my life would change in these 6 years. Her and I together have been though up's and down's but I was glad to have her ever step of the way standing by me loving me.

My boss gave me the ok to come into work late today so that I could take Kelli to school. I am so thankful to him for that. (I really love my job and the people that work with me)

So here is a picture of the birthday girl bringing goodies for her class. I was kind of upset that we could not bring in homemade stuff because of the school's policy but at least she got to bring in something (thanks to my mom)

I can't believe how big she has become :) I am such a proud mommy right now!

Ok, now onto the recovery part of this blog.

I think that I have figured out what is wrong (well at least part of the problem)

I am no longer scared! That is not good, I need to be scared. Being scared is what has kept me sober and go though what I have been though.

Why am I not scared anymore? I am not sure. Maybe I have become comfortable in my life right now and feel good. I am wondering if that is so bad?

I am not sure. I am no expert on recovery as a whole, just mine, and I am not even sure about that.

All I know is that right now I am doing ok. Today my mood is good. I have been at a level place and my outlook on my future, well to be honest just today, is good.

I am loving my higher power, my life, my family, and my friends.

What more can a girl ask for?

Nothing from my point of view.

Monday, September 19, 2011

This would be better if...

“This would be better if I were high.”

I actually uttered that phase this weekend. I did not feel good about it.

It is still a struggle everyday, some more then others.

What was funny is when I actually said that I wasn’t thinking about getting high or anything drug related at all. It just slipped out like it was natural to say.

Which I guess to us addicts it is natural. But it is still disturbing when it happens.

Actually to be honest I have no idea what is wrong with me. My body seems to be going out of whack. I have been getting sick to my stomach for what seems to be no reason at all. My moods are up and down. I am so sleepy it is not even funny. I wonder if this is because I am trying to get back on schedule?

I don’t know.

But onto a more uplifting side. Kelli turns 6 tomorrow! My big girl is growing up. She was with her daddy this weekend so he had her birthday party for her and we are having her birthday party with mommy this weekend. She is so excited.

Well I guess I should get back to work and I hope that my emotions stay up or at least level, I could deal with level!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Changes and the unexpected!

So today I have a guest writer.

He is a friend of mine from the groups I go to. He is awesome and such a good person and friend. He was so kind to write something for my blog and I appreciate it so much.

He is writing about changes and staying sober, which is something that I think is important for anyone going though recovery to understand.

So without much further ado;

Changes and the unexpected
By: Josh

At some point in most addicts recovery, an unexpected event occurs, that throws your routine off.  It may be just for one day, or it could be a few months.  We always have to be aware of how these events make us feel, and how we react to said events. 

If you get sick, you may stay at home from work.  You might skip going to a meeting, or not call your sponsor that day.  You just may decide to stay in bed all day because you need lots of rest to get better.  Or if you're active addiction was anything like mine, you would use to "feel better".  So it's important to at least keep that contact with someone in recovery and let others know you're not feeling well.  This helps you stay accountable for yourself and allows you to share your feelings with another person. 

           What if you have a surgery or accident that keeps you "out of commission" for a significant period of time?  Maybe physically you are unable to get to meetings.  You're entire schedule and routines are thrown out of whack.  You may stay in contact by phone or emails with others in recovery, but you can't get to meetings and socialize with others in recovery.  Maybe a month or two go by and you've stayed clean through these changes.  When you are up and moving again, you start to make excuses for not getting to meetings.  Maybe in your mind, you tell yourself, "Well I stayed clean for that long without going to a meeting, maybe I don't need them anymore." 

Our disease loves to put these thoughts into our heads.  Addiction wants you to "test" yourself in your recovery, because it knows eventually it will win every time.  We've all heard the saying, "if you keep playing with fire, eventually you'll get burned."   I've accepted that I'm powerless over my addiction.  I need a power greater than myself to guide me and give me strength and support every single day.  The day I think I've got my addiction beat, will sooner or later be followed by my using again.  Every individual has different means of support and routines they establish in recovery.  Whatever works to help you stay clean and live a fuller life. 

Just remember what has worked to get you clean, and keep you clean;  for however long that may be.  If something is working, you keep doing it.  "A man was having a string of horrible days back to back.  He went to his sponsor and asked what he should try.  His sponsor asked if he had been saying the Serenity Prayer.  The man said no.  Sponsor told the man to say the Serenity Prayer at least 50 times a day for the next week.  After a few days the sponsor called the man and asked how things were going.  The man replied, "I took your suggest and it worked so well for the first two days that I stopped doing it" 

Thank you Josh, you did a great job!

I hope that this post helps someone out there as much as Josh has helped me in my recovery!

Bummed but thats ok!

So I was supposed to go to the Joyce Meyers convention in St.Louis this weekend.

Well due to unforeseen circumstances I am not able to go, that bums me out a little (ok, alot) BUT I have a back up plan and it looks like it will be amazing!

All weekend it will just be S and I!!!!

No kids! No nothing! And hopefully no drama!

So even though my plans fell though I am ok with it!

Thursday, September 15, 2011


To ANYONE that needs ANYTHING!

I have my email set up to go directly to my phone. So if there are recovering addicts out there reading this and you need to just talk to someone or anything email me and I will write you back, my phone is on me at all times.

My e-mail address is

OR, if you know me and my number feel free to text or call at anytime.

This not only goes for the recovering addict, but anyone that reads my blog and needs to talk to someone I am just a call, text, click away!

"Deletion"-And it feels so good!

So today because of some of the drama that people cause and the way they want to live their lives, I have deleted them out of mine.

In the past, I would have just dealt with it, not anymore.
I thought it would bother me to no longer talk to them, see them, or know whats going on. But it really doesn't.

I feel free! I don't have to listen to anything negative anymore.

Only positive in my life right now and that is what I need, nothing else!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


It is amazing how a good day can turn into a bad day quickly.

I just got a text message from someone (I don't know who) trying to start drama between me and S.

I am working on me, he is working on him, and together we are working on us. Why do people feel that they have to get in between that?

We are sure that we know who is behind it, either his kid's mom or a friend of hers.

We are happy! Why do people feel that if a person is not with them that they have to go out of their way to mess up a relationship that the 2 people are obviously happy in?

What is wrong with people now a days?

I don't, haven't, nor will ever do anything to her...I treat her kids good, when S has them they have so much fun with us, they laugh and giggle. And then when it is time for them to come home they go back clean, well-fed, and all the clothes that she sends them are clean. What more would you want?

I know that if my ex-husbands girlfriends did half the stuff I do for those kids for Kelli I would be happy beyond believe.

I just don't understand.

I am going to re-start this day and not let this steal my joy!

It's not going to happen people!

Just a little sadness

A friend of S’s got out of Prison treatment 7 months ago.

We knew that he started using again a month ago, which is why we have not went to see him.

Yesterday we found out that he got arrested on a new case. A class B felony plus probation violation. It looks like that he will be going away for awhile.

It is sad.

S is really bummed because they were like brothers.

Sometimes I wonder, for myself included, when we see all these people that we love relapse, if it gives us more hope to prove everyone wrong or if it makes us doubt our own “total” recovery?

Not too high!

Last night was S’s birthday. We went to a meeting!

Next month is my birthday. We will probably go to a meeting!

This will actually be the first birthday that I will be sober, well other then last year, but that doesn’t count I was in jail.

I am looking forward to it but at the same time it scares me. Why? Because it is different, I really thought that after this long being sober I would be more comfortable with it and don’t get me wrong there are days that I am, but there are also days that “this life” is way to weird.

I like this life much better, but let’s face it, it’s kind of boring. Boring was not good in my past life. Boring = much better in this life.

I actually have fun with Kelli. I am not to busy getting high to read her a book every night, which I do faithfully!

I am not too high to remember that she needs to brush her teeth every morning before school.

I am not too high to remember that I need to feed her and bathe her.

I am not too high to live!

I like it!

Not only is next month my birthday (I will be 27, yes I am dreading it) but it is also my sober birthday (I will have 1 year clean)

I am not looking forward to my birthday but I am so looking forward to my sober birthday!

Live, Laugh, Love! I am doing so much more of that these days!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

From Faith To Faith

Again another daily devotional this one is from From Faith to Faith...find it here!

Reall Intercession
September 13

"And he saw that there was no man, and wondered that there was no intercessor."
Isaiah 59:16

When someone hurts us, our natural human reaction is to strike ask God to clobber them. But that's not God's way.

I realized that one time when some relatives of mine got robbed. I was praying about that situation and puzzling over it. "Lord," I began to ask, "why did you let that happen? Why didn't you just knock that thief over the head when he tried to do that?"

Suddenly, God enabled me to back up from that situation and look at it with spiritual, instead of just purely natural, eyes.

When I did that, I knew the answer to mu question almost as quickly as I had asked it. It was because of his mercy. God has great, great mercy. Not just for me and my family but for others too.

Think about that next time someone does you wrong. Instead of asking God to knock that person in the head, like I did, consider the fact that-as ornery as he may be-he may well have a grandmother somewhere who's praying for him to be saved. Stop and remember that God loves him enough to die for him, that he's longing to pardon-not punish him.

Then you can begin to pray for him instead of against him, uniting yourself with his grandmother (or anyone else who happens to be praying for him). You can go to the Lord for mercy for him and you can go up against the devil on his behalf. That's real intercession and it throws the forces of darkness into total confusion. They have absolutely no defense against it.

The Lord is looking for people who are bold enough, committed enough to do that. Dare to be one of them. When you're tempted to clobber someone, dare to change his life instead.

Scripture Reading: Luke 6:27-36

How many times have each of us been there? I have wanted so many times to "hurt" someone, but instead of taking it out on them I should pray for them!

After all, if some of my friends and family didn't pray for me while I was in my other lifestyle where would I be today?

Believing In Myself!

Today's daily meditations from Believing In Myself. Check out my store if you are interested in the book.

Believing In Myself
September 13

Beware no man more than thyself.
Thomas Fuller

If we're serious about reconditioning our attitudes and thus our self-perception, we want to stack the odds in our favor as much as possible. For one thing, we should stay away from naysayers, fools, fast talkers, seducers-or any others who would nail our shoes to the floor when we want to move forward. It is a wise person indeed who knows who and what to avoid.

Yet it is also wise to remember that we ourselves are both out own best friend and worst enemy. Bad companions or not, no one can force us to do anythingwith our consent. Every day may bring dozens of invitations to cynicism, negativity, self-pity, stinking thinking-but we can turn them down. If we accept, however, we have only ourselves to blame. We opened the mail, after all; we picked up the phone.

Because of ignorance, jealousy, or fear, other people may throw rocks in out path. But in the final analysis, we are the ones with both the bad habits that need to be overcome and the power to overcome them. It is we, not anyone else, who hold the key to all the power.

I must be aware of the enemy within as well as the enemy without.

When I read this today I about fell over. This is what I need to hear when I need to hear it. Isn't it amazing when that happens!

My findings!

Ok, So the last post was not a very happy one. But thats what I was feeling at the moment and I had to get it out, so now I will explain it a little bit.

S and I have been dating for a couple of weeks. Well this last weekend we had some "baby mama drama" (that's really the best I can descibe it) I was feeling insecure before, and then after the drama even more insecure. Not by anything that S has done, just my own self, I am working on it.

As an addict my biggest weakness for wanting to use is feelings. I hate feelings, well bad feelings anyways, and even though I have been sober almost a year when the bad feelings surface, to be honest, I think about using. That is when I have the hardest time. Well this weekend was no different, I had my bad feels, my thoughts went to "you know if you got high you wouldn't feel like this, you wouldn't care" and then my new thought process kicked in! I hear myself thinking, "Exactly, you wouldn't care, do you really not want to care anymore? I bet you would care if you ended up in prison again!" I love my new thought process! It is a blessing! So as soon as the tought of using went into my brain it went out again!

GenRxation posted a blog about my understanding blog: Day Eighteen.

I posted the following comment to her blog:

I didn't understand it either, that's why I got into and am still in a relationship. But now after being in one I understand. When we are struggling along in our first year sober, trying to find our footing and figuring out who we are as a individual now, because let’s face it when we were in our addiction we really had no idea who we are, we only have to worry about our sobriety. But when you throw someone else in the mix (who is also a recovering addict-in my case) it is not all about us anymore. Plus we have the normal pressures of worrying about that person and if we are doing things right, because that’s what happens in a new relationship until you get your footing together. Then you have some baby-mama drama (sorry I really don’t know a better way to put that) thrown into the mix that cause stress. Addicts are not very good at stress. Did I use over it? No! Did I think about it? Yes unfortunately I did, that makes me sad. But it makes me happy that I did not use.

I hope this explains some of the reasons, at least my findings anyways

Sometimes addicts that are on the new road to recovery don't understand why the "old heads" give the advice that they do, but sometimes it is not for us to understand. Sometimes we just need to take a leap of faith and trust the "old heads" that they know what they are talking about!

S and I are still together and we are working together to achive a common goal. He really is an amazing man...I just need to work on me!

Friday, September 9, 2011


I now understand why they recommend not getting into a relationship until you have been sober a year or more

Not related!

Ok, So I have been kind of slacking on my blogging and for that I am sorry, I am trying to get my self in a new routine and it is throwing everything off.

I need to laugh, so I figured others might need to as well.

So this is not a recovery related blog nor anything to do with my life right now as it is going, it's just for laughs, hope you enjoy!


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept
staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split
up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I
should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the shed, the boat, making beer… Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.  When I arrived home one
day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of
sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped
quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back
out into a torrential downpour.  The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back
into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be
bad all day.  I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.  I told the
woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed
my Social Security application.  When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.  She was not happy with
what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!  The driver got out of
the other car, and he was a DWARF!!  He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

What to look for?!?

So Meth is on the rise and more and more teenagers are using it because it is easy to get ahold of, and fairly easy to make.

As people we need to know what to look for.

When first starting out in addiction it is alot easier to help people then when they are already gone.

So here are some signs of Meth use:

Euphoric "high" state (excessively happy)
Decreased appetite/weight loss
Increased physical activity
Anxiety, shaking hands, nervousness
Incessant talking
Increased temperature (can rise as high as 108 degrees and cause death)
Convulsions at high doses
Chest pain, elevated blood pressure
Dilated pupils
Dry or itchy skin
Sweating not related to physical activity
Irritable and moody (mood swings)
Picking at skin or hair
Aggressive or violent behavior
Depression (withdrawal/tolerance effect

Meth is a horribly addictive drug that can ruin the users life and the people around them!

You are worth celebrating!

You Are Worth Celebrating!





Five simple rules to happiness

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

Just for today

September 9

Feet Of Clay

"One of the biggest stumbling blocks to recovery seems to be placing unrealistic expectations on... others."
Basic Text p.78

Many of us come into Narcotics Anonymous feeling pretty poorly about ourselves. By comparison, the recovering addicts we meet at meetings may seem almost superhumanly serene. These wise, loving people have many months, even years of living in accordance with spiritual principles, giving of themselves to others without expecting anything back. We trust them, allowing them to love us until we can love ourselves. We expect them to make everything alright again.

Then the glow of early recovery begins to fade, and we start to see the human side of our NA friends and sponsor. Perhaps a fellow member of our home group stands us up for a coffee date, or we see two old-timers bickering at a committee meeting, or we realize our sponsor has a defect of character or two. We're crushed, disillusioned-these recovering addicts aren't perfect after all! How can we possibly trust them anymore?

Somewhere between "the heroes of recovery" and "the lousy NA bums" lies the truth: Our fellow addicts are neither completely bad nor completely good. After all, if they were perfect, they wouldn't need this program. Our friends and sponsor are ordinary recovering addicts, just like we are. We can relate to their ordinary recovery experience and use it in our own program.

Just for today: My friends and my sponsor are human, just like me-and I trust their experience all the more for that.

pg. 263

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Labor Day Weekend

So it was Labor Day weekend and it was relaxing, fun, and well great. We (I’ll talk more about the “we” in a minute) really didn’t do much, just played with the kids and made sure that they had fun.

Friday: After work we took the kids to the fair and had a blast, spent way too much money, but the smiles on the kids face was worth it. Poor Kelli got scared; she wanted to ride this ride called the Rocket. I probably should not have let her ride it but I don’t like to hold her back or baby her. So her and I got on it, when the guy shut the door she said “Mommy, I’m not to sure about this” I asked her if she wanted off and she insisted that she didn’t because she “wanted to try it”. As soon as it started she was screaming (not the horrible crying screaming but the I am having fun but REALLY scared screaming) it was kind of cute but then at the same time I wanted to yell and tell them to let my baby get off, but I have to let her try things right? As long as I am there beside her to guide, help and protect her? See this is the part of parenting that I am not sure of.

Saturday: We woke up early (ok not really early but earlier then I wanted to be up lol) to a fire truck blocking off our road, I guess they were getting ready to have a parade, so that was fun. Then my real dad came down to see us, that I was only the second time that I have seen him since I have gotten out of prison. It was nice and we had a nice conversation then he took us all out to Dairy Queen. Then after dad left we took the kids swimming for FOUR hours, thankfully out of everyone I was the only one to get burnt. Then we came home and snuggled on the couch and watched movies it was nice.

Sunday: We go to church then go over to my grandma’s and have lunch then just relax.

Monday: We did absolutely nothing and it was GREAT!!!!!

Ok, now onto the “we”, I am dating someone, he is a great guy. He treats Kelli and I both extremely well. He is also a recovery addict. It is nice to have someone by your side that understands and has been there. Not that my friends and family are not supportive, but thankfully they have never been there. For the time being we will call him “S”, I don’t want to use his real name until he is more comfortable with this blog thing. He knows that I have a blog and he thinks it is great and is very supportive.

But anyways, other then all this nothing much has been going on and it has been great! No drama just a life that I am living and will be living forever.

Oh and Sunday was my 11 months. 1 more month and I have made it a year. That is such a big accomplishment for me and I am so proud of myself.

Thursday, September 1, 2011


So a friend told me about this thing that you can do though amazon!

So I created a little store, it has to different sections 1) Some of the books that I have read and I recommend and 2) Other recovery books.
Check it out! I will add other books as I remember them :) My memory is not what it used to be!!!!