Monday, September 10, 2012

Selfishness, Lying to ourselves

          Received an e-mail from Josh this afternoon with the below post. It is amazing when he sends post for me to put up, not only is what he wrote what I am feeling but what I am sure other addicts feel at some point in their recovery.

         So without further ado, Josh's post:

When I lie to others; it affects not just me, but others as well. If I want my life to change, I need to do things differently; this includes not lying to others and myself.


Where are my priorities? My actions will show where they truly lie no matter what my words are. Recently for me, my priorities have strayed fairly far from recovery first. Whether it's Facebook, online games, reading the paper (daily crosswords included), watching TV and sports, leisure reading, eating, smoking cigarettes and going to meetings. Pretty easy to see how only one of those things is directly related to recovery.


Nowhere on that list is reading of recovery literature, praying, meditating, step work, etc. Though these actions have shown where my priorities have truly been lately, I nevertheless continued to try and tell other addicts what could help them? Kind of insane huh? Where is MY recovery in all of this?


As wonderful as it is to share recovery with another addict and offer suggestions; it kind of defeats the purpose when I fail to put my recovery first. It's just another way of me not having to focus on myself and giving the appearance/attitude that I don't need any more advice/help from others. This could not be further from the truth. I'm an addict; I suffer from a mental, physical and spiritual disease that affects every area of my life.

            How am I improving/having any relationship with my Higher Power? My actions tell me all I need to know; my recovery has not been my main priority. Or even in my top five. I've reverted back to my old behavior of talking a good game, worrying about how I look to others. I'm seeking out things I see wrong with others in recovery, which just keeps me from having to look at myself and my own defects.


I'm not just doing this with other addicts/those in recovery, but with everyone in my life. The more I've gotten away from praying, meditating, reading recovery literature and step work (All my Higher Power's will for me), I've replaced it with MY will. I know where this will lead me. So MY will tells me to keep up the front so I don't embarrass myself to others and have them think less of me. This is BULL@%$*!


My addiction wants me to keep suffering, knowing I'll eventually give in and use to escape these feelings and having to face life. Why do I think/feel that I shouldn't struggle or have problems? Why do I put these reservations about my recovery that life should be perfect? That I NEED to be perfect? Here's why: My DISEASE (addiction) tells me I have to be perfect and that I'm better than everyone else knowing that I'll fail and use any reason to escape the pain. As long as I think I have to be perfect, I'm doomed to fail and be miserable.


The bright side: THIS IS NOT REALITY! I don't have to be perfect to stay clean. I don't have to be perfect to have a healthy recovery. I don't have to be perfect to find peace and serenity. I don't have to be perfect to be loved. I don't have to be perfect for a Higher Power to care for me and show me how to live.


Perfection is not success. Life is not a math or grammar test; perfection isn't attainable. CHANGE is realistic. PERSONAL GROWTH is attainable. Daily recovery, staying clean can be accomplished. Learning to be grateful, honest, compassionate, open-minded, loving, forgiving, and understanding; all realities and possibilities without ever nearing perfection.