Friday, August 26, 2011

I don't know

So my moods have still been going up and down lately. People say that I need to watch out for relapse. I really do not think that has anything to do with anything. But then again I am obviously not the best judge of my mental state.

I just don't feel like doing anything. My house is a mess, the past couple of days I have not put on make-up, and I don't even think about what to wear I just throw something on.

I am nervous and excited about a couple things that are coming up. I don't know what's wrong. Maybe nothing is wrong. Maybe I am just going though a morning period in my life.

It might sound crazy to "normal" people, but I need to morn my past life. Do I miss it? Sometimes! Do I want to go back to it? Not at all! Is my life better now? Yes it very much so is.

So then why do I miss the other life? Maybe because I was comfortable there, I knew what was coming everyday and I knew (even though it wasn't the right way) how to handle it.

I just need to get into a routine.

This weekend Kelli is going to her dad's, so tonight I think that I am going to go to a meeting, come home clean my house, sleep until I want to get up, mow the lawn and then just take care of myself. Read, write, get better, figure out what's wrong.

I hope that everyone has a great weekend!


  1. I think you are so wise and very intuitive. I think that you hit on some really good points here...change is scary, its hard to create a new life minus the coping skills you used to use. You are learning new skills though, and becoming more and more fluent in them everyday that you put them into action.

  2. Hi Brandi... when I was in rehab we got given this handout:
    and I think it is fantastic.

    The bit that could be relevant to you right now is this:

    In emotional relapse, you're not thinking about using. But your emotions and behaviors are setting you up for a possible relapse in the future.

    The signs of emotional relapse are:

    Mood swings
    Not asking for help
    Not going to meetings
    Poor eating habits
    Poor sleep habits

    The signs of emotional relapse are also the symptoms of post-acute withdrawal. If you understand post-acute withdrawal it's easier to avoid relapse, because the early stage of relapse is easiest to pull back from. In the later stages the pull of relapse gets stronger and the sequence of events moves faster.

    I think you're doing the right thing though, meetings, meetings, meetings...