Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Ugggggg part 2!!!!!!

Ok, so I am cranky and sleepy and sore today.

I just need to go to bed and wake up in the morning (on the right side) and pray that I will come to peace with what he is doing to his friends and family. If anyone can understand this is should be me right?!?!?

Then why is it so hard?

Yep, just need a nice snugly bed and a nice snuggle. I think I will be good as new in the morning.

This is the last day of August, I hope that you all have had a good month and I hope that September brings greater things for you all.

Much love!

Ugggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, So I am extremely upset. I know I shouldn’t be, I know that this is not my life. But it still erks me.

The other day I posted that I took a friend to rehab. This was on a Sunday. Well this morning I was on my way to work and I see said friend driving done the road, I called his wife and she told me that he WALKED out after ONE day! What the hell?!?!?

Ok, so have of me, my addict side is saying well yeah that makes sense. He didn’t want to do it for him; it was for the court, his family, etc.

The other half of me, my “normal” half is screaming you stupid a** m*****f***** what the hell are you thinking?

I told his wife when I was on the phone with her that I love her and that I hope everything works out, but while he is in his addiction and hanging around the people he is I can not come to their house and hang out with them, if his wife wants to meet me somewhere that would be fine. But I can not put myself in that situation.

I feel very bad for his wife, but at the same time, well I don’t know what I feel I have many emotions going though my mind right now it’s not even funny.

This is not my sobriety or my life, why am I so upset?

Monday, August 29, 2011

Random

So I was playing on the internet and came across a website: Handbook of wisdom for those in transtion

It just has a alot of quotes from different people and there were some that I liked so I thought I would put the in a post and share them.


No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Draw from others the lesson that may profit yourself.

We cannot live other people's lives or bear their burdens, no matter how much we love them.

Dependency is slavery by mutual agreement, It is degrading for both the person who is dependent and the person who is being depended upon. Both parties are equally lacking in self-reliance for such a relationship flourishes on mutual exploitation.

Once a person believes that something is true, whether or not it is, he then acts as if it were. He will instinctively seek to collect facts to support the belief no matter how false it may be.

Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.

Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

I want to know God's thoughts ... the rest are details.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted

A "No" uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.

My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents, and I lay them both at his feet.

When you have to make a choice and don't make it, that in itself is a choice.

Human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes

The harder you work, the harder it is for you to surrender.

Nothing on earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment.

You are greater than anything that can happen to you.

Don't let adverse facts stand in the way of a good decision.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.

What I can do is what I can do, and what I can do is enough.

A bad habit never goes away by itself. It's always an undo-it-yourself project.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.

Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

Never let what you cannot do interfer with what you can do.

In your hands you hold the seeds of failure - or the potential for greatness.

The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy in the world won't work - if you won't.

Before I forget!

My friend recieved a call yesterday from pathways saying that they had a bed open. He took it. I am proud and hope that he completes it and learns alot. His family needs him so much. And I know that his wife misses the man she married.

My heart and prays go out to him and I wish him the best!

Me again!

This weekend was greatly needed. I feel back to my old new self (<-wow that doesn’t make much sense) It was a refreshing and relaxing weekend. I really did not do much, just clean, mowed, read, and slept. But I think that I needed it. That is something that I really need to do more of. I need to take “me” time. It gets hard, I have lots of things to do and that need to be done. Also as a single mom it does not make it easy.

But I have to remember that if I don’t take care of me I can’t take care of anyone else. I don’t want to go back to where I came from so I have to push forward, not look back, and take care of me!

This brings me to the Just For Today reading:

August 29
Don't Look Back
"The steps offer a big change from a life dominated by guilt and remorse. Our futures are changed because we don't have to avoid those who we have harmed. As a result... we receive a new freedom that can end isolation."

Basic Text p.31

Many of us come to Narcotics Anonymous full of regrets about our past. Our steps help us begin to resolve those regrets. We examine our lives, admit our wrongs, make amends for them, and sincerely try to change our behavior. In doing so, we find a joyous sense of freedom.

No longer must we deny or regret our past. Once we've made our amends, what's done is truly over and gone. From that point on, where we come from ceases to be the most important thing about us. It's where we are going that counts.

In NA, we begin to look forward. True, we live and stay clean just for today. But we find that we can begin to set goals, dream dreams, and look ahead to the joys a life in recovery has to offer. Looking forward keeps us centered in where we are going, not remorseful or regretful about our past. After all, it is hard to move forward if we are looking back.

Just for today: The steps have freed me from regrets over my past. Today, I look forward to my new life in recovery.

pg. 251

This is a good reading. And it also made me realize that I need to get back into my step work. I am supposed to be starting step 4. I have been putting it off just because I wasn’t sure if I was ready to face that stuff yet. But the only way for me to move forward and onward is to confront my past and tell it “you don’t own me anymore”, so this week I will be starting step 4. I am going to go over steps 1-3 again before I attempt to start.

I hope that everyone is doing well and that just for today everything is at peace!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Time for myself

So today I am just taking time for myself. Doing little odds and ends around the house and reading. The book I am reading is Be anxious for nothin by Joyce Meyers. While I was reading I came across a line in her book that I thought I would share.

Whatever may have happened to us in the past, it does not have to dictate our future.

I love that line! I love Joyce Meyers!

I hope that everyone is having a great weekend

Much love from me to you!

For parents

Devotions for mom

August 27-Time

If you need wisdom-if you want to know what God wants you to do-ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. James 1:5

I recently saw a cartoon in a women's magazine showing a little boy sitting at a kitchen table. His mother was serving him a meal, and the little boy was saying, "mom, where did you work before you worked for dad and me?"

I both smile and cringe at that little boy's question. I smile because, like the mom in the cartoon, I spend a lot of time serving my family, and most of the time I enjoy it. I cringe because I dislike the times when I feel like a slave to everyone else's needs and wants, having little time left over for the things I like to do. After being a mom for twenty some years, I have to admit that finding a balance is a constant challenge. I've had times when I felt overly responsible for my family and didn't take enought time to be healthy myself. At other times I was so involved in "good" things that in my busyness I neglected some of my family's needs.

For some years I have been praying daily for wisdom to know how to use my time, and it has helped immensely! I don't claim to have found the perfect balance, but when I talk to God about my schedule each morning, I'm much more conscious of making wise choices since I've already thought and prayed about it. And when things don't go well, I reevaluate and ask God for more wisdom.

Father,
Thank you that we can come to you for wisdom. Please give us help in balancing the many responsibilies of motherhood.
Amen.

Acceptance

Each day a new beginning

August 27

Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgment of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're going to do about it. -Kathleen Casey Theisen

Recovery offers us couage to make choices about the events of our lives. Passive compliance with whatever is occurring need no longer dominate our pattern of behavior. Powerlessly watching our lives go by was common for many of us, and our feelings of powerlessness escalated the more idle we were.

Today, action is called for, thoughtful action in response to the situations begging for our attention. Recovery's greatest gift is the courage to take action, to make decisions that will benfit us as well as the people who are close to us. Courage is the byproduct of our spiritual progress, courage to accept what we cannot change, believing that alll will be well, courage to change in ourselves what we do have control over.

An exhilaration about life accompanies the taking of action. The spell that idleness casts over us is broken, and subsequent actions are even easier to take. Clearly, making a choice and acting on it is easier to take. Clearly, making a choice and acting on it is healthful. The program has given us the tools to do both.


Decisions will be called for today. I will be patient with myself, and thoughtful. I will listen closely to the guidance that comes from those around me.

Friday, August 26, 2011

I don't know

So my moods have still been going up and down lately. People say that I need to watch out for relapse. I really do not think that has anything to do with anything. But then again I am obviously not the best judge of my mental state.

I just don't feel like doing anything. My house is a mess, the past couple of days I have not put on make-up, and I don't even think about what to wear I just throw something on.

I am nervous and excited about a couple things that are coming up. I don't know what's wrong. Maybe nothing is wrong. Maybe I am just going though a morning period in my life.

It might sound crazy to "normal" people, but I need to morn my past life. Do I miss it? Sometimes! Do I want to go back to it? Not at all! Is my life better now? Yes it very much so is.

So then why do I miss the other life? Maybe because I was comfortable there, I knew what was coming everyday and I knew (even though it wasn't the right way) how to handle it.

I just need to get into a routine.

This weekend Kelli is going to her dad's, so tonight I think that I am going to go to a meeting, come home clean my house, sleep until I want to get up, mow the lawn and then just take care of myself. Read, write, get better, figure out what's wrong.

I hope that everyone has a great weekend!


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Mood

I am not really in the mood to write today. I don't know what it is. I am not in a good mood or a bad mood, I am just blah.

I am thinking that if I write it out maybe I would feel better, but I am not sure that there is really anything to write.

I had a probation meeting last night and it did not really go all that well. The only good thing that came out of that meeting is 1)Instead of going in every 2 weeks I only have to go in once a month and 2)from now on my Po's supervisor will be in all meetings with me. Which is good for me. The words "If I go back to prison it will be because of something I did, I am not going back for you {my probation officer} or anyone else."

But other then that last night was just a night and today has just been a day.

OK, well all my blogger friends I think that is all I am going to write today. I hope that everyone is having a great Wednesday!

Just for today: relapse is not an option for me.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The most horrible thing!

                Memory lost is probably the most horrible thing in the whole world! I can not remember anything, it drives me horribly crazy. I have actually cried a time or two because of it.

                They say that drugs and alcohol will kill brain cells and until recently we thought that once they were gone they were gone. BUT now they are saying that brain cells can be regrown. Which I have to say it is amazing what this human body can do. But they do say that for meth users it can take up to a year to get your full memory back. I only have a month and a half to go and if I still can’t remember anything after that I am suing someone LOL just kidding.

                But seriously, I need something back, this is killing me. Ill give you examples from small: yesterday I forgot my lunch, I was horribly (<-that is my new favorite word, can you tell lol) hungry. Last night my aunt cooks chicken enchiladas (they were yummy yummy yummy!) and gave me some for lunch today, my family was teasing me that I shouldn’t even take them because I would just forget them. I swore up and down that I wouldn’t. BUT what did I go and do today? Yep you guessed it I forgot them. Ugggg it made me so mad! From the huge: I can't remember Kelli's first steps. I tried and tried to remember them. I know I was there. I know that she was almost 9 months old. I just can’t remember THEM! I can’t remember where she walked to or if she was already standing, or what. I don’t even remember her first word. This hurts my heart!

                But it’s not only this stuff…its thing that just happen to! Like my mom, aunt, grandma, a friend and I were all out to dinner. We are all talking. I guess my mom gets up to go to the bathroom and comes back. When we were in the movie theater our friend made mention to this. I did not remember at all that mom had even got up from the table. I asked mom many times that night, did you really go to the bathroom in the restaurant? She assured me that she had. This might not seem like a big deal to most people but to me I wanted to break down and cry.

                I don’t know what is wrong and why I can’t remember anything, I am hoping that after my year of sobriety something’s start to come back and memory is the one thing that I am hoping for. I know that it will not happen over night. I just hope that it STARTS to happen. I don’t want to ever forget Kelli’s first day of kindergarten but if it keeps going like this I will. That is why I am so picture happy most the time. So at least I can remember some. If only I could remember where I put the pictures in the first place!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Am I handicap?

Last night I was reading my church magazine and they had a lot of stories about handicap and/or disabled persons and how they overcame their physical abilities to do great things with their lives.

Some of the people were talking about how people would talk down to them and not let them do anything because of their physical ailment. Thus “society” was handicapping them more then they were themselves.

So that got me to wonder. Do people consider me and other addicts that are clean handicap? Please do not take this post as comparing my being an addict to people with disabilities. Just here me out!
           
When we are in our active addiction we try to remain clean and sober without avail. We might make it a minute, an hour, or even a day without using. Then something comes along to make us hurt, sad, upset, etc and we can’t deal so we go back to using.

So when we are truly clean, {some} people think that they need to keep us sheltered from bad feelings, bad things happening, etc. So they treat us as if we are fragile and not able to deal with things on our own.

Now I realize that at first we can’t deal with things on our own but we have to learn to cope, deal, and feel or we will never be able to learn. When we are sheltered to all the bad things it is worse for us then letting us learn on our own. If after being sheltered something big really happens it is way worse then all the others things. If we don’t have those skills that we {should have} learned on our own then the chances are that we more then likely will go back to using.

So my question is; is “society” handicapping recovering addicts? And if they are, what can we do to get this to stop?

When an addict fully commits to recovery, wouldn't it be better to stand beside them instead of over them?  

Friday, August 19, 2011

I am liking this school idea!

           So it is Friday. I am so glad; I am ready for this weekend. Tonight it will be Kelli, me, and a friend of mine’s mom. We are just going to rent a movie, eat some pizza and relax! I am looking forward to this. Then Saturday Kelli and I are going to get our pictures taken. A friend from high school is going to take them for us, she is such a great photographer, and I really can not wait to see how they turn out. Sunday will be a day of church and relaxation.
           
            So today I was able to stay a minute and watch Kelli get on the bus! At first I wasn’t to sure about this thing they call school (lol) but then bed time rolled around last night! Bedtime usually consents of

Mommy: Ok lets pick out a book its bedtime

Kelli: But it’s not dark outside

Mommy: Kelli that’s because there is a light in our front yard, come on

Kelli: Fine I will get in bed but I’m not going to sleep

And so on you get the idea, I also have her getting out of bed 5-6 BILLION times before she goes to sleep, and then at around 3 in the morning she will crawl into my bed, and not just in my bed but in the morning I wake up to her ON me! Yes laying on me, let me tell you it is hard to breathe when you have 40 pounds on your chest. (I will have to say-and if anyone tells Kelli I will deny it! That when she doesn’t crawl into my bed I miss snuggling with her-again I will deny it!)

ANYWAYS:

Bedtime last night went something like this:

Mommy: Ok lets pick out a book its bedtime

Kelli: Ok mommy

Mommy: *thinking I am having a heart attack AND a hearing problem* Your ready for bed?

Kelli: Yea I am really sleepy, kindergarten wears a person out!

Mommy: *thinking ummm yea wait tell you get to be an adult* Ok baby lets go!

I read her a book give her a kiss and hug goodnight, cover her up, turn her nightlight on and away into the living room I go.

10 minutes later I start thinking I don’t hear anything, Kelli hasn’t got up to ask for anything, I wonder what she is up to? I get up, I go check and what to my wondering eyes do I see? My child sound asleep! AND when I woke up this morning there was no child in my bed, I will say that I was worried and thought maybe she was on the couch, nope she was still snuggled in her bed sound asleep.

So I have decided that school is not that bad at all and I was happy to send her off this morning.

Mommy: I love you have a great day at school *thinking go child run off all that energy!*

Kelli: Ok mommy I love you go make me money at work (<- yes she really says this!)

I love my child, she can be a….. (What’s a nice word for pain?) Just kidding Just kidding! But I love her! Being a sober mom is much more rewarding then being a “not in my right mind” mom. I can actually remember stuff that she does and says and I am interacting with her.

Life is great for the first time in a long time!

I hope that everyone has a great Friday and that your weekend is full of joy and laughter!


What Kelli made ME on her first day of school.

Kelli (in the middle) waiting for the bus this morning with her cousins!
The cousin on the right of her is in her class
The cousin on the left of her still has 2 more years until school-she is not happy that her big sis goes!

Kelli and cousin getting on the big yellow bus!

Ok, I am going to be honest! I followed the bus for a bit! Just to make sure that the driver was driving safe!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

My big kindergartener

So I got Kelli off to her first day of kindergarten! Yes I cried like a baby! But she was excited to go and I was excited for her. I probably got a little carried away with the picture taking but I figured I would show them anyways!



As I was waking her up

The breakfast she requested that I made!

Her with her breakfast

Her eating her breakfast (I told you I got carried away)


The start of getting ready for school.




After getting ready, pictures before school!


Pictures in front of school

Kelli in front of her class room

Kelli at her desk


Kelli's name tag!

AND FINALLY....

Kelli at her desk again...bored already?!?!?


So she has been at kindergarten for about 4 hours now and mommy cant help but think is she ok, what is she doing, is she being good, and the list goes on and on. I can't wait to get off work and pick her up so that I can hear all about her day! I am so excited!

Also tomorrow is going to be pretty exciting for her to, tomorrow morning she gets to ride the bus to school, she is SOOOOO excited about that!

But mommy made it though and didnt even start REALLY crying until I left the school building, but of course I did do it all the way to work!

Hopeful and supportive friends!

So since I have started this blog I have had many comments as well as messages from people supporting me and helping me, as well as a few of other people’s stories. A couple of weeks ago I received a message from one of my friends. With her permission I am going to share it here. The messages have been edited for content (<- I never thought I would use that phrase in my life J )

Note: The messages my friend sent me are highlighted yellow, my responses to her are in pink.

Hey girl! I just stumbled on your blog! We seem to have some things from our past in common… I have almost 8 years clean. I did it out necessity I guess. One Day I just couldn't take feeling so numb. I quit and 2 months later was pg. Haven;t touched it since. Not that I still do not think about it though. I sat and read every blog of yours… I want you to know that you have gotten me thinking about some of the things in my life. I have been on rx pills for years now for fibro. BUt I know I don't take them exactly like am supposed to. Esp one of thm. If I take all of them at one instead broken up into 3 times It gives me a lot of energy. (hmmm wonder why I strive for energy?) I have asked my dr to take me off of them, but then feel so scared that he will actually do it. I can't exactly remember which blog it was, but one of yours was like yelling in my ears. So I thank you!~
…I had no idea! Thank you so much for sharing! 8 years gives me hope!...One thing that I have learned (and I struggle with everyday) is that as addicts we like to sub one drug for another and we think it is ok because its not our "drug of choice" or it is "legal". I have a hard time with that!!! Something I need to do better at! Like smoking, shopping, and others. But rx are hard you need them but they can be addictive. And we know that we need to give something up but then it scares us when we think that it could be gone for good, what would happen to us then. I have had that feeling many of times. I really do appriecate you sharing. You give me hope thank you!..
No one did or does really. I started it 2004 2 months later we moved to ls and within 3 months were running ALOT! We were sooo darn stupid. The main guy in our ring got popped and he bonded out. 2 night later we were back at his house. My cousin just got put in jail for it for the secon time and I catch myself all the time thinking, " gosh she is soo stupid" . But the only differenece is she got caught and I didn't. But I really don't tell anyone.. Even when we were 2 weeks up we still ran around thinking we were better than anyone because we were functioning tweakers. I really can only thank God that I quit. It took him another month or two. BUt we both think about it. Yet neither of us have touched it…
I understand the thinking you are better then other tweakers I was the same way. I even thought I was a better parent then the other ones because I still had my child! Man was I stupid too! I put Kelli in a lot of bad situations! I still have a lot of guilt and shame over this whole deal. But I can't think about all that I have to look to the future. I am glad that you guys got sober together that is hard to do but you guys gave a beautiful family now!...
And then a couple of days ago I received this message from my friend:
I wanted to tell you that I have been free from ultram (That pain med I was abusing) for 3 days. I really think God had a huge hand in helping because one time I took so much my dr wouldn't refil them and I had the most horrible withdrawls. I mean from what I hear, herion like withdrawls. That night i took a tootal of 10 muscle relaxers, but couldn't sleep still. I was sitting in my bed indian style rocking back and forth crying. Iwas soo scared, but I did it and the only withdrawls so far have been fatigue. I was going to wait until after my daughter's party (they gave me incredible energy, when I took 4-6 instead of 2). But I looked at them and thought of everything you said and tossed them down the toilet! After a mini panic attack, I was ok with it! LOL So thank you so so so much!..
I just want to say that I am so very proud of her! She realized that she had an issue with some thing and have taken the steps to help herself! My heart is so overwhelmed with happiness for her and her family. I am actually going to see her tonight so that I can give her a couple of books! I really can not wait to see her and give her a hug.
         You know friends are a great support system. But when we are trying to support people that have a problem we can not force them. I again was reading my daily devotionals this morning and came across a great one for anyone out there that has friends or family members going  though addiction or anything else for that matter.

August 18
Whatever needs to be maintained through force is doomed.
Henry Miller
When someone we love is in trouble, we may try to control or at least curb the trouble-causing behavior. With the sincerest wish for their welfare, we throw out their liquor or hide the doughnuts when we see them coming. Our justification is that “we’re only trying to help,” and well might that be. But we enter a gray area when we try to manipulate reality on someone else’s behalf.
Of course, we care about our loved ones and fell genuine concern when we see them heading for a fall. But caring and caretaking arent the same thing. For out own emtional well-being, “hands-off” other adults’ lives is usually the best policy.
More often than not people are doing what they choose to do. We can influence, but they choose. Better than rearranging the environment, we can offer loving advice and then let the subject drop. Our loved ones will do what they want to do anyway. If their unwise choices finally bring them down, we can be there for them. At least we wont have ruined the relationship by nagging and manipulation.
The calisthenics for self-esteem do not include manipulation.

I hope that everyone is having a great Thursday and has had a great week!




Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Each Day A New Beginning

       
So as I have written on here before every morning I wake up I read 4 different daily devotionals. Today one of them I was reading I thought I would share:


August 17

Life is not always what one wants it to be, but to make the best of it as it is, is the only way of being happy.
 Jennie Jerome Churchill

We are generally so certain that we know what’s best for ourselves. And we are just as often certain that what we think is best will guarantee happiness. Perhaps we should reflect on all the times in the past when our wishes didn’t come true-fortunately.
Did any one of us expect to be doing, today, what we each are doing? We may have expected children, a particular kind of home, a certain career, but did we really anticipate all that life has wrought? Addiction, and then recovery from it, was probably no tin our pictures. But it does fit into the big picture. The happiness we experience today probably doesn’t visit us in the way we anticipated a few years back. But it is measured out according to our needs. The choice to be happy with what is, is ours to make, every moment.

I can take life as it is, and trust that it is just right, just what it needs to be. The big picture guarantees me lasting happiness. Today’s experiences will move me a step closer.


            This was not the life I had planned for me. No where in my dreams did I think that I would be an addict, go to prison, and struggle. But this is my life. I can either be depressed that it is “so horrible” and not what others are doing OR I can realize that I can make it better and move on.

            I for one choose to move one. This might not be what I wanted but this is what I have been given and I intend to make the best of it!

Freedom and Sadness

            So last night was Kelli’s first meet the teacher’s night. Tomorrow she will be starting kindergarten. For Kelli it was exciting and amazing. For mommy it was sad and freeing. (<- I will explain that in a minute)

            Kelli’s teacher is so nice! I got to talk to her about Kelli’s cousin that is in the same class that Kelli is in (not very happy about that, but it is what it is) and explained that I would like to have them kept apart as far as in the class room during learning time. Neither one of them are bad kids but when they get together it is all play and talking. So for both of their learning sakes I felt it would be beneficial to talk to the teacher.

            Kelli was walking around the class room in awe of everything that she seen. We also got to set up her desk and cubby hole. She was so proud of it and showed mommy and daddy where everything is. I am glad that her father and I can have a friendly relationship, in front of Kelli that is.

            Mommy was sad and cried, just a little, ok a lot! Daddy made fun of mommy because it is just kindergarten, its not like she is going off to college. I don’t think he realizes that is the next step! Ok maybe I am exaggerating a little, but it will come! Kelli told me “Mommy don’t cry, its ok, I will come home every night and tell you all about my day! I have to grow up sometime!” She is so wise for a kindergartener. I love her to death. I am not ready for her to grow up! She is my baby!

            Although I was sad, walking into that school was freeing. Kelli went to preschool in Warrensburg, I started the school year out with her and then I went to prison, everyone knew! When I came back home I finished the school year out with her, taking her to school, picking her up, and all that jazz. After coming home when I walked into that school I felt like everyone was thinking “Oh there is Kelli’s mom, she is an addict and just got out of prison.”

            But we have moved to a different town, although it is only 30 minutes away nobody (but family and friends) know me there and what I have done. So walking into the new school I was not “the drug addict mom” I was just “Kelli’s mom” and that was so nice and freeing. All I want to be is Kelli’s mom and I think that this is the first time that I felt as if I was just Kelli’s mom!

            So tomorrow is the big day and I am going to be a mess all day! I have already warned my boss! J Kelli’s dad is going to come down in the morning and we will be taking her to her first day of school. Friday will be the first time that she will get to ride the bus. I really think that she is more excited to ride the bus then she is to go to school. Every time (since she was 2) that she has seen a bus she says “Oh mommy I can’t wait until I can ride that” or “There’s my bus that I will get to ride one day when I grow up”

            I love my BABY! Please pray for me tomorrow that I can keep it together at least until I leave the school building!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Memo from the boss!

Today on my way to work I was listening to the radio and there were people on there complianing about there jobs. Say (to the effect of) because of the downsizing they had to lay off people and now I have to do the work of 3 peoples jobs. My thought was "HELLO!!!!! Thank God you have a job! What about those people whos job you are doing what do you think they are complaining about, no food, no money, no nothing!!!!" So now I am playing around on the internet and I come across this, I love it:

MEMO FROM THE BOSS
To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: THE BOSS
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children. Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!

Rabah-The Prostitute

FYI: This blog is going to be a little religious/spiritually, just to let you know! :)


So after writing my post last night I finally went to sleep. I woke up this morning and it felt good to do so to a clean, organized, finished house. I sat and drank coffee and read my daily devotionals, I read 4 different ones every morning, but one of them just kind of hit me this morning:

(Click on link to order book)

August 15
Faith 2

It was by faith that Rahab the prostitute did not die with all the others in her city who refused to obey God. For she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.
Hebrews 11:31

Raising three boys who are becoming handsome young men brings with it the responsibility of building into their lives a godly desire for purity. Many years ago one of my very young sons announced that he wanted to marry me and live in our house when he grew up. Although I felt flattered, I knew that someday he would begin to notice pretty young woman from other families. He has! Through the years, we’ve encouraged our sons to choose girls who value purity and avoid girls who behave seductively.
Why, then, do we find Rahab-a prostitute-praised in Hebrews for her faith? What is she doing on the list of heroes?
When Joshua was commanded to conquer the Promised Land (Joshua 6), the first city on the list was Jericho. It had walls at least twenty-five feet high and twenty feet wide! When Joshua sent two spies to Jericho, they found safety and lodging at Rahab’s home right on the walls. Rahab was so convinced that the God of Israel was going to destroy her city that she put hope in the spies-and their God-risking death as a traitor. Rahab’s faith was significant to God because it led her to obey. “Only he who believes is obedient,” wrote Dietrich Bonhoeffer, “and only he who is obedient believes.”
God doesn’t care what our past looks like. He can wash away our sins and give us hearts that love him fully and obediently. He is looking for faith-like Rahab’s-that believes God can and will do the impossible.

Lord Jesus,
Give us the gift of daily faith. We believe that through your awesome power we can be free to live obediently in your care.
Amen.

     
       This is always the last book that I read out of my devotionals. Today I am not sure why this hit me so hard. I think the sentence God doesn’t care what our past looks like was what did it. Saturday my mom and I went shopping. For lunch we were going to go to a cafĂ© that we knew a friend that works with my mom was at. With her she had her mother, when I heard this I turned to mom and asked “Does her mom know about me?” Meaning does she know that I am an addict and have been in prison. This is not the first time that I have asked my mom this question. And unfortunately probably won’t be the last time either.
     
       I don’t know why it is so hard for me to not worry about what others think about me, I just have a hard time with my “past”. It is very shameful and regrettable and if I were a “normal” person I would look down on people like me. To be honest I looked down on people like me when I was in my active addiction, because I wasn’t like them. Yes, now I know that I was, but at that time I didn’t, nor did I want to admit it even if I had a glimmer thought that I was. Anyways, I don’t want people to know. Which is kind of odd since I am posting it all on the internet, that is different, I guess, then face to face meetings, if that even makes sense?
        
    I just think that this devotion gives me hope. Rahab was a prostitute with a less then staler pass and with her faith she made it though a city getting destroyed. I need to put all my faith in God and not in what people think about me. Because in all actuality when I die I will be faced with his wrath and it will be on rather I had faith and was obedient towards him. Not what Joe Blow in Chicago thinks about me.
          


  All things are possible though him!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Just need a quick outlet

Ok, bear with me on this post, I am doing it from my phone so I am not sure how this is going to go.

This is nothing really important I just can't sleep, don't know why it is bugging me, but it is! I worked very hard this weekend to get my house done and it finally is finished. So now I am snuggled down in my bed. my coffee is set so that I can have a cup as soon as I wake up, I have a load of clothes in the washer, Kelli is sound asleep, yet here I lay (since 9PM mind you) still awake.

I should feel good that my house is done and I should be exhausted enough to sleep, yet I'm not! Ugggg!

Why can't I sleep?

Friday, August 12, 2011

It's almost time!

So Kelli starts Kindergraten next thursday (8/18/2011), I am getting pretty sad/excited (still conflicted) so I was going though all my pictures that I have of her on my computer so I though I would share :)


Kelli's 1st birthday



Kelli when she was 2



Kelli at 3


Kelli at 4

Kelli's first day of Preschool

Pre-school picture taken the day she turned 5

Kelli's first lost tooth (this was a picture I recieved in prison)


Easter 2011


Spring Pre-school pictures

And for the finally picture what she decided to dress her self in the other day!


Wow my baby is getting so big! She is so ready for school, I don't think mommy is though!

A good place!

Everything is really going good right now, I am not sure if I have anything to write about. Kelli is going to her dads this weekend and I will be at home trying (yes still) to get everything unpacked. I feel like I am in a good place in my recovery and my life. Sometimes the phase “when is the other shoe going to drop?” comes to mind. Right now it feels like everything is too good to be true. I really shouldn’t complain about that!

I did do something really exciting last night…brace yourself’s for it…ready? Are you sure? Ok here I go…Kelli and I mowed our lawn! Ok, ok I know that it might not be exciting to you guys but it was the first time that I mowed the lawn in our new house and well it was the first time that I have mowed the lawn in year’s lol! It was relaxing and I felt a sense of pride after I was done.

After we were done Kelli and I sat on the porch, she looked around and said “Wow mom it looks nice, you did a good job” J that made me beam inside. A compliment from my daughter is the best kind a person can receive. There are my days where I want to give up and give in, but then just being with her makes my day brighter! Not sure if there is anything better.

                I know that there are a lot of people with addiction and with family members that are addicts still in pain. But hopefully one day all the addicts will feel what I am feeling right now. A sense of pride, joy, love, and appreciation are something that can not be taken for grated. Life is not easy but it’s not hard either, we just have to find a balance that we can live with sober.

                I hope that everyone is having a great Friday and I wish you all a great weekend!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Meth Kills!

Meth Kills...The Campaign Against Methamphetamine

I was wondering around on the Internet and found this great poem; if you or a family member is addicted to Meth please check out the website ( just click on the link above, it really is very informative)!


If my glamorous lifestyle is appealing to you.
And you want to try me because you've nothing to lose.
Then, let me give you a bit of advice. You are a fool.
And you'd better think twice.

I destroy homes. I tear families apart.
I take your children and that's just the start.
I'm more valued than diamonds. More precious than gold.
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.

If you need me, remember; I'm easily found.
I live all around you. In school and in town.
I live with the rich. I live with the poor.
I live just down the road. And maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab, but not in one like you think.
I can be made under your kitchen sink.
Or in your child's closet and even out in the woods.
If this scares you to death, It certainly should.

I have many names, but there's one you'll know best.
I'm sure you've heard of me. My name's Crystal Meth.
My power is awesome. Try me you'll see.
But if you do, You may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go.
But if you try me twice, then I own your soul.

When I posses you, You'll steal and lie.
You'll do what you have to Just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, For my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasure, You'll feel in my arms.

You'll lie to your mother. You'll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears you must not feel sad.
Just forget your morals and how you were raised.
I'll be your conscious. I'll teach you my ways.

I take kids from their parents. I take parents from kids.
I turn people from God. I separate friends.
I'll take everything from you;
Even your good looks and your pride.
I'll be with you always. Right here by your side.

You'll give up everything; Your family, your home
Your money, your friends, You'll be all alone.
I'll take and I'll take 'Til you've no more to give.
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.

If you try me be warned: THIS IS NOT A GAME.
If I'm given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravage your body. I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely. Your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I'll give you when your lying in bed....
And the voices you'll hear from inside your head....
The sweats, the shakes, and the visions you'll see....
I want you to know:
These are your gifts from me.

By then it's to late and you'll know in your heart
That you are now mine, And we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me. (They always do.)
Remember, you came to me. Not I, to you.

You knew this would happen. How many times were you told?
But you challenged my power. You chose to be bold.
You could have said "No" and then walked away.
If you could live that day over now, what would you say?

My power is awesome as I told you before.
I can take your mother and turn her into a whore.
Go ahead and curse me with every breath.
Just make your choice:
Will it be life or meth?

You will take unknown paths on your journey through life.
Some will bring happiness. Some will bring strife.
But, my path is one you must not ever cross.
Although it's well trodden countless lives have been lost.

Now that you've met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can show you more misery than words can tell.
Come, take my hand. Let me lead you to Hell.

Stuck between NA and Relapse

            So I found out today that a friend of mine has relapsed. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure that there is anything I can do. I don’t hang out with him anymore because we are both new in our recovery, if one of us slips we both might. So I can’t go to and comfort him and tell him that it is going to be OK. I have to stay my distance and use the resources that I have to get him though this over the phone.

            Phone comfort is so hard. You can not see their reactions, you can’t see their eyes to know what they are truly feeling, you just don’t know. But this is all I can do right now. I have given him a list of meeting in his area and told him to run as fast as he could to one. Talk, listen, ask for help, but I just don’t know if he would do that.

            Something I don’t understand, he and I have been sober for the same amount of time. Where is my relapse? Is it coming? Am I going to have one? I don’t want to and I am doing everything I can not to, but you have to wonder how one addict can have a relapses and another of the same sober time doesn’t. What is it that I am doing that he is not? What can I share with him? What can I give him? I just want to help!

            It is one thing feeling hopeless and not know what to do when it’s you, but it is something completely different when it is someone else. I just don’t know what to do, I want to run to him and hold and tell him everything is going to be okay, like I used to do when he was coming off a bad high, but I can’t-and this is a self-fish reason but I don’t want to mess up my recovery. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, although in this situation I guess it would be called NA and relapse.

            I just need to pray.