Friday, September 26, 2014

The hardest post I have had to write

But after a lot of praying I feel the only way that I am going to get better is to let it all out.

A couple of weeks ago the love of my life relapsed. I do have to say, I have never been on this side of addiction, I have always been the one doing it to my family and friends. So being on this side is foreign and new to me.  I am not sure exactly how to react. I feel awkward and lost.

 I have went through the feelings of anger, I am no longer angry at him; I know how hard it is to live life on life’s terms being an addict. I know how quickly relapse can happen on this side of the fence. Since this has happened I feel like at any moment I could fall. But I have a program that I am working right now that is helping me stay clean. There is no shame in relapse what so ever, the shame is in not coming back.

I have gone through the feelings of guilt. If I would have just done this or that, if I would have kept my mouth shut, if I would have made things easier on him, etc. He would not have relapsed. For a long time I felt like I caused this, but I have worked through it. It doesn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. He made his choices and that didn’t have anything to do with me. I have to remember that. Just like if I were to be the one that relapsed it would not have been anyone’s fault but my own. Now with that being said, I made mistakes in our relationship; I am not saying that I am a victim because I am not. I made choices that might not have been the best for us, mainly because I act on my emotions before thinking, which is something that I have to deal with and work on.

Now I am onto acceptance. This has happened. I have to deal with it. My life can’t be put on hold, I have kids that I need to take care of and I have myself that needs to be dealt with.

He is an amazing guy, he is an awesome dad, and the insight he had into life and will get back was always inspirational. I know that he is going through a tough time right now, I don’t even want to imagine what he is feeling, but I know who is he and I know who he can become again, he just has to find that for himself.

I know what my job is now; it is to take care of my family. I can’t worry about anyone else; because when I do it is my kids who suffer.

After a lot of praying last night I woke up with a smile on my face. For the first time in over a month I feel like I am going to be ok. I have a great job, 3 amazing kids, friends and family that love me and have my back, a program that helps me stay clean, and the most important a God that will never turn his back on me! It might be stressful at times but I know I can do this! It might be stressful right now but that will pass. I love me and I love my life and I will start making choices that reflect that! We choose to be happy not our circumstances. So today, no matter what is going on, I choose to be happy!

I pray for him and other addicts out there, as well as their families. I will always love him and will be here for him if he needs someone to talk to. I have no idea what the future will hold, but all I know is that right now, just for today, I have to take care of myself! And I am ok with that.

On October 4th I will have 4 years, and I will celebrate it! I was dreading it, because I felt that if anyone should have relapsed it should have been me. BUT I can’t do that anymore. I worked hard to get to 4 years. I lost myself in active addiction, found me again when I got clean, and because of choices I made I lost myself again, Today starts a search for my old self. Today is a new beginning for me and my family. Today is the only day that I will worry about.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

It's been a year?!?

Hello everyone! I was talking to a POA today and realize that it has been a VERY long time since I have posted anything, like over a year!!!! I’m Sorry! I am not even sure anyone will read this…but since it has been over a year I figured I would give you guys an update! Lots has happened!

First and foremost…I am still clean! Over 3 years and 9 months!

Josh and I had our son in September! 

He is now 10 months old! He has been saying da da da but last night he said ma ma ma for the first time!! Also last night he took a couple of steps!!! He is not so little anymore!

Kelli will be starting the 3rd grade and my step-daughter will be starting the 6th grade. Man they grow up so fast :'(

I am now working full time as a recovery coach at a women's house. I love my job and am so very grateful to be working with women starting their journey to recovery. It helps me in my recovery as well.

Hopefully I can get back on a schedule and starting writing regular post! That would make me happy, it was something that I enjoyed very much!

From my family to yours...I pray all is well!