Monday, October 22, 2012

2 years and still learning

Hi everyone. Sorry I have not written in a while, I just have not been feeling creative or motivated by anything. To be honest if I could lie in bed and relax all day I would take it. I feel very busy and overwhelmed. BUT with that being said I am very grateful that I can today feel overwhelmed as well as other feelings.

Well on the 4th of October I celebrated 2 years clean.  I cannot believe that it has been 2 years already. It seems to have flown by yet dragged at the same time. I am very grateful to have 2 years. My life now is so much better than it ever was when I was using. The healthy relationships that I have now are just amazing as well as actually being a productive member of society.

I am currently on my 4th step, ok let’s rephrase this…I am currently trying to get pass the 6th question on my 4th step. But I have started it and for now that is what matters. I will get through it, I cannot fear it or it has a hold on me. I have to do it and release all the pain that I feel from my past.

I guess maybe I am just not feeling for my recovery as I was when I first started my recovery. Please don’t get me wrong, I am still very glad for recovery and my NA family but it just seems that life is getting in the way, well that I am letting life get in the way. I make excuses for it to get in the way. I have PTO…church…and any other excuse I can make not to work on me or my recovery. That needs to change, but I am the only one that can change it. So I have been reading more recovery related items.

Right now I am reading How to become an oldtimer: Don’t drink and Don’t die. I am a member of NA; I love my NA group/family. I find that NA is a better fit for me then AA. But with that being said, NA received its steps and traditions from AA, so if I can learn something from either group I will take it. This book seems to be written from a person that is more involved in AA. This is fine with me.

There is a passage in the book that I love, so I wanted to share it with everyone:

Lessons I’ve learned in recovery

Day one in the program: I learned that 12-step programs were filled with jovial brain damaged people who actually appeared to be happy to go to those stupid meeting.

Seven days: The best diet in the world was to take step one. A hundred pounds was lifted from my shoulders after admitting I was powerless over alcohol and other drugs. The meetings didn’t see so stupid after all.

Three weeks: I learned that the “they” who caused me to drink and drug too much, drive too fast, work too little, be on the FBI’s most wanted list, and my family’s least wanted list actually resided in my head. It was a dangerous place to go alone.

Thirty days: I learned that I can’t stay sober if I take a drink or other mind-affecting, mood-altering chemical. Wow, what a concept!

Ninety days: that people who say you can’t talk about drugs in AA are usually on them.

Six month: That sponsorship was pretty neat. I told the other guy what to do and if it worked, I tried it.

Seven months: I learned I wasn’t ready to be a sponsor yet.

Nine months: I learned that the only time you should look down on another person is when you’re bending over to help them.

One year: I found that once you get your 4th step just exactly the way you want it, your sponsor makes you do it over again.

Thirteen months: I learned that my sponsor is psychic: She said that “rationalization” is when you tell yourself that already know but that when I listen I may learn something somebody else knows.anyone who can stay off alcohol and other drugs for a year cannot really have a problem. How did she know what I was thinking?

Two years: I learned that when I talk I can only say something I

Three years: I learned that religion is for people trying to stay out of hell and that spirituality is for people who have been there.

Four years: I learned only some of us learn by other people’s mistakes. The rest of us have to be the other people.

Five years: I learned most everything there was to learn about recovery and how to work the 12 steps. I knew how everyone involved in my life should work the 12 steps, too.

Five and ½ years: I learned how to piss off my sponsor. Tell her what I learned at 5 years.

Nine years: It occurred to me that smoking pot wasn’t such a bad idea. After all, it wasn’t alcohol and it wasn’t addictive. Then I remembered what I had learned at 90 days. Bingo. I knew why in my heart of hearts I must say “I am an alcoholic. I am an addict.”

Ten years: I learned that I was 10 years away from my last drink and 12 steps away from my next one.

Twelve years: I learned that I would rather have someone sober and hating me for telling them the truth, then drunk and liking me because I told them what they wanted to hear.

Thirteen years: I learned that members of NA who say, “Being clean means never having to say you’re sober,” have forgotten where they came from. I pray for them.

Fifteen years: I learned that I do not believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Twenty years: I learned there is such a thing as the “twenty year syndrome,” meaning that we never stop growing and we only claim progress, not perfection.

Thirty years: Those who say “Long-timer” instead of “old-timer” wear their fear on their sleeve.

Forty years: The way to become an old timer is to not drink or drug and not die.

I loved how you can see the progression in their recovery.

I hope that everyone is doing well!

Hopefully I will write again soon!