So I found out today that a friend of mine has relapsed. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure that there is anything I can do. I don’t hang out with him anymore because we are both new in our recovery, if one of us slips we both might. So I can’t go to and comfort him and tell him that it is going to be OK. I have to stay my distance and use the resources that I have to get him though this over the phone.
Phone comfort is so hard. You can not see their reactions, you can’t see their eyes to know what they are truly feeling, you just don’t know. But this is all I can do right now. I have given him a list of meeting in his area and told him to run as fast as he could to one. Talk, listen, ask for help, but I just don’t know if he would do that.
Something I don’t understand, he and I have been sober for the same amount of time. Where is my relapse? Is it coming? Am I going to have one? I don’t want to and I am doing everything I can not to, but you have to wonder how one addict can have a relapses and another of the same sober time doesn’t. What is it that I am doing that he is not? What can I share with him? What can I give him? I just want to help!
It is one thing feeling hopeless and not know what to do when it’s you, but it is something completely different when it is someone else. I just don’t know what to do, I want to run to him and hold and tell him everything is going to be okay, like I used to do when he was coming off a bad high, but I can’t-and this is a self-fish reason but I don’t want to mess up my recovery. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, although in this situation I guess it would be called NA and relapse.
I just need to pray.
No you are stuck between a rock and a good place. You are in a good place. Stay there.
ReplyDeleteSometimes when taking care of yourself it requires you to be selfesh. That doesn't just apply to addicts, it applies to all of us. Take care of yourself. Your friend may need you and he may not, you really don't know for sure. But the one thing you ABSOLUTELY know for sure is that your little girl needs you. Look after the #1's in your life, yourself and your daughter.
Be strong and move forward, one step at a time.
ps.: All rescuers understand their boundaries before attempting a rescue. Without understanding or ignoring their boundaries the rescuer ends up being the one needing rescue.
ReplyDeleteWhat are your boundaries?
I feel my co-dependant self welling up. As the mother of a recovering addict I wrestle with this place. It must be different when another addict feels the desire to help a fellow addict. I am reminded..."Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:1-2)
ReplyDeleteThaks you guys, I now know for sure that there is nothing I can do but phone comfort. If that's not enough...well that's all I can do!
ReplyDeleteRelapse is not definite. It doesn't mean that you've failed, but that you've got to start again. Sounds like you're doing great yourself and in how you help a friend.
ReplyDeleteJust for today you can keep on maintaining your own recovery. Your friend can and will choose the help that is so readily available to those who want it....and you are not his only resource. Pray for him and I will too.
ReplyDeletehi.. i'm alice, i came across your blog from "Addict in my son's bedroom" -- i commented before, but wanted to "introduce myself" properly. I'm a recovering alcoholic (feels nice to put "recovering" in there!)... in recovery for 4 1/2 years but currently only 98 days sober.. still, it's a start. Nine months clean/sober is something I've never managed (chronic relapser), you're an inspiration :)
ReplyDeleteif i can put my $0.02 in. first of all, you may not relapse, this could be YOUR TIME for sobriety long term, you certainly are putting in a lot of work and YOU HAVE KELLI - not only a huge incentive, but a huge inspiration, to watch your little girl take an innocent joy in the world, a joy that was lost to you in your addiction. BUT i see a relapse plan/prevention plan as like a fire drill.. you need to have one but it doesn't mean you plan to have a fire, or want to have a fire. do you have one? also, there is such a difference between a lapse and a relapse and if you can nip a lapse in the bud before it becomes a relapse then the damage can be minimised (something i've never managed).
from my own experience i need people around me who know me well to notice the first signs of EMOTIONAL relapse, which isn't actually where you are using or drinking but the emotions you have are the old, overwhelming, toxic ones... you can google a lot of stuff about emotional relapse. my psychologist told me 2 weeks ago that i was isolating and she was worried i would relapse soon - result, i stepped up meetings, made time to meet with healthy friends, and i felt better without even realising i'd felt bad. so, look out for signs, don't isolate, keep up your meetings... although i don't always like AA i don't think i've ever felt like a drink after going to a meeting. you probably know all this but i've needed a reminder myself from time to time. and just avoid toxic/using folk (not all toxic folk are necessarily users!)... i would be careful even talking over the phone to this guy in case he makes you an offer (of drugs!) you can't refuse or you just have a moment of weakness, but you are a smart woman who i'm sure has a good awareness of her boundaries.
thanks for your blog. i read a lot of things here which i could have written myself (except for the fact i'm six years older than you and childless as of yet... maybe one day). Nine months sober and a great mum, you're going really well :)
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