Hey guys sorry it has been so long. We all have been very busy. This weekend Josh and I finally got moved into our new house, it was a rough start to the moving process but we got it. This coming weekend we still need to get some more stuff from Josh's house but it will be all over with soon.
The bun in the oven is still growing and man can I tell that...he (We found out we are having a boy!!!!!!!) has been playing hacky sack with my insides!!!!
Kelli loves the new house! So does Josh's daughter!!!! And for that fact so do Josh and I.
As soon as we get the house organized and things clam down I am going to try VERY hard to figure out a schedule and hopefully I will start posting more. (I know, I know, I have said that before! But I am really going to try hard this time lol)
I hope everyone is doing well and everything is going great!
Monday, April 22, 2013
One meets his destiny often on the road one takes to avoid it-French Proverb
I read this quote this morning and it made me think.
I don’t think that anyone ever woke up one day and said “I’m going to become an addict, just for giggles and grins.” Well at least I never did. But we end up there somehow…how did it get this bad, how did we end up here? I am not sure, I still remember waking up in jail asking these questions.
But, with that said, I do believe that addiction led me to the life I am supposed to have. Addiction is not something to take lightly, addiction is death for us. BUT the good news is that it doesn’t have to be death! We can find a new way to live. We have hope in recovery each and every day.
If I wasn’t an addict, would my life be better? Looking back now I really don’t think so. It took a VERY rough road to get me where I am today but it was my destiny. I believe that every day. It is hard and sometimes I have to find the good in day to day life. But the fact is, if I did not go through my active addiction, I would not have all that I have today; My family, my daughter, my boyfriend, my friends, and a new baby on the way.I am truly thankful for my life, past and present.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
The only thing consistent in life is change. Everything in life may be going great and the plan that you have is right on schedule, but then life throws you a curveball and everything changes. The plans that you once have seem impossible and you have no idea what you are going to do now.
So what do you do? Ok, so right here I do not have the answers, I wish I did, but life has thrown me a curveball. This right now is the worst possible time to happen. But the one thing that I do know is that I have a choice. I can keep fighting, facing this time and rising above it and figuring out (with the help of my higher power) what to do next or I can go back to my old way of life. This does at times seem easier, to just run and hide and hope like heck that everything comes together how it’s supposed to.
But let’s face the facts; this is not how life works. Life is not easy it does not work out on its own. It takes work on our part.
I have a great support system that, with them, I know I can get through it. I will pray. I will figure out where to go from here. And most importantly I will not give up hope.
I hope that everyone is doing great and life is going good. But if it’s not right now remember it’s not the end of the world. This too shall pass!
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Guarding our recovery
“Remember that we... are ultimately responsible for our recovery and our decisions.”
Basic Text, p. 103
Most of us will face choices that challenge our recovery. If we find ourselves in extreme physical pain, for example, we will have to decide whether or not we will take medication. We will have to be very honest with ourselves about the severity of our pain, honest with our doctor about our addiction and our recovery, and honest with our sponsor. In the end, however, the decision is ours, for we are the ones who must live with the consequences.
Another common challenge is the choice of attending a party where alcohol will be served. Again, we should consider our own spiritual state. If someone who supports our recovery can attend the event with us, so much the better. However, if we don’t feel up to such a challenge, we should probably decline the invitation. Today, we know that preserving our recovery is more important than saving face.
All such decisions are tough ones, requiring not only our careful consideration but the guidance of our sponsor and complete surrender to a Higher Power. Using all of these resources, we make the best decision we can. Ultimately, however, the decision is ours. Today, we are responsible for our own recovery.
Just for today: When faced with a decision that may challenge my recovery, I will consult all the resources at my disposal before I make my choice.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Sharing in meetings is sometimes a difficult thing for some to do. Should I sugar coat it to make it sound like life is happy, happy, happy, and everything is good? Here the past couple of weeks some of my friends in NA have been talking about the sharing in meetings. So when I read the Just For Today this morning, it put a lot of things into perspective.
“Sometimes the most positive message we can carry is that we are going through difficult times in our recovery and are staying clean in spite of them!”
You know that is true! When I am sitting in the meeting and I hear someone sharing about something they are going through, that I have been through in the past and could not imagine going through now that I am clean and staying clean, it gives me inspiration. Their message is hope. Hope that I too could stay clean through that situation. “If we are equipped with the tools of the program, we can walk through such turmoil and stay clean to tell the tale.”
NA’s message is hope. At least that’s what I get from NA. Hope that I can live a life worth living clean!
Just for today: I will honestly share both the good times and the difficult times of my recovery. I will remember that my experience in walking through adversity may benefit another member.
For the daily Just For Today: http://jftna.org/jft/
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Death is something that is really hard for me to deal with, in all reality I usually just don’t deal with it at all.
There are many deaths in my life that I still have not dealt with and that I covered up with drugs. I no longer have that option. So now that I am clean how do I deal with them? How do I cope when someone so close to me passes away?
How do I come to terms with the possibility of losing someone that growing up and even now I never thought would “leave”? How do I get over the guilt of not being around this person because of my own stupid issues?
How do I deal with the deaths in my past? The sick part is I have resentments against the people who have died. I think that is easier for me…to be mad at them instead of just dealing with it.
How do you just let someone go?
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Once you get clean off all drugs, how are you going to live your life?
Just because you sober up and decided to leave the drugs and alcohol alone does not mean that your life is going to get any better. Honestly it could just stay the same.
It’s really in how you want your life to be, it is up to you.
You can decided that your life is as miserable without drugs as it was with drugs and give up and keep living that way
You could decide that your life WAS miserable with drugs and you refuse to let it be anything but happy without drugs.
Life is all in how you look at it. Living life on life’s terms is something every addict must learn. I am still learning this and sometimes even have a difficult time remembering all that I have learnt.
Life happens, that will not change. What will change are your attitude, your willingness, and your openness to face each situation.
Is it easy? By no means what so ever! But it is worth it.
My life has been way better than I ever imagined it could be. The friends and family relationships that I have now are more than I have ever had.
Just for today I am not trading that in for more drugs!
Monday, February 25, 2013
If we limited ourselves to the expectations we had when we first got clean, we would have missed out on so much.
I know that I would have for sure. I expected to get clean and that was it. I figured my life would be the same as it was before; just without the drugs.
Man, am I glad that I let willingness and open-mindedness into my life. With those two words, my life has been better than I ever could have hoped for.
I have a wonderful baby girl that is my life; we have our trying times, but they are worth it.
I have family that supports me in everything and are here for me with whatever I need.
I have friends in and out of the NA program that encourage me in the good as well as the bad times.
I have an amazing and healthy relationship with Josh; we have good times and not so good times, but we always talk and work through them together. We communicate and are there for each other no matter how we are feeling at the moment.
I am expecting my second child; although it was a shock, is a great blessing. One that I didn’t really think would happen. And I honestly could not ask for a better father for this baby or better big sisters.
There is so much more that I am grateful for. So much more that fills my life with love, light, and happiness.
Sobriety is always great in and of itself…but it’s so much better when you figure out how to live your sober life happy.
It is not easy, and nobody said it would be; but it is so worth it. I would not trade my sober life for anything in the world…not even the “bad” times.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
I am sadden today by all the status I see on facebook saying “Today Whitney Houston is one year clean and sober, congrats” To many of you guys this might seem funny, but to people who struggle daily with addiction this is no way funny. Addiction is a serious disease that takes the lives of many every day. Death is a very real possibility for addicts and when it happens it is sad, regardless of what you might think of the person. Thankfully I was one of the lucky ones that got out alive.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Well here it is Thursday night. I am so totally not doing what I am supposed to be doing?
What am I supposed to be doing you ask? I am supposed to be working on my 4th step, trying to get it finished after working on it since September. Yea, so not doing that!
What am I doing instead? Well I started typing up my first step so that I can have it on my computer. This turns out to be ok, because I have thought about powerlessness again. This is something that I don’t think about on a daily basis and I should.
Which now I have to blog about J
I am powerless over my whole life. The only thing I am not powerless over is myself, my actions, my thoughts, my words, and my reactions to other people. I can only control what I say or do, I cannot control what others' do or how they perceive my words, sometimes people read into things I say that are not there. As much as I am a people pleaser and want to explain until I am blue in the face and apologize, sometimes no matter what I say they are not going to change their mind. That is just something I have to accept. I can only do so much. I am not perfect neither is anyone else. Something else I need to accept. Those are hard things to accept. I just need to keep working on me and hope that at some point these things become easier to accept.
Now hopefully I can quit procrastinating and get to my step 4…well it’s the thought that counts right?
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Hi guys, hope everyone’s 2013 is going great so far. Mine? Has been full of ups and downs so far, but to be honest even the downs have not been horribly bad.
So, in this coming year there are going to be a lot of life changes. Many that I don’t want to discuss, right now. But one I would like to talk about is my dream.
A friend and I have decided that we are going to start our own business. It has been something that I have wanted to do for a while. But with Kelli, work, and other life stuff I really have not had a lot of time to commit to this dream. But with this friend we will be able to make it together.
We are going to start small and out of our homes but hope to soon grow into a store. Just need to get clientele in this economy. I have faith.
So what is the business? We are starting our own cake business. It is something we are both passionate about. So if you need a cake, cupcakes, etc. let me know J
This is a very exciting time for me, although I know I will be very busy adding this into my life it is something that can make my life.
Dreams are something that not a lot of people have in the grip of their addiction. I know for me dreams were not something I gave a lot of thought to. I didn’t think that I would be able to do anything with my life other than what I was doing.
I don’t want to live without living anymore. I am taking this opportunity and running with it. If it works out that would be amazing and more than I have ever done in my life, if it doesn’t work out than you know what at least I tried and gave it my all.
Have a great week!
Monday, January 14, 2013
“It’s a strange event in life when you come to realize that the beliefs and joys you hold so dear are also the ones that mean to destroy you”
This is a quote out of the book I am currently reading, East of Paradise, West of Ego by; Mark Walliser. This is a book about addiction and recovery, although I am not even half way through it I am really enjoying this book and finding myself relating to this story.
The above quote just stood out to me, as well as many others in the book, but this one more so.
When I first went to prison I was completely in denial that I had a problem or that I couldn’t control it. My beliefs in my active addiction were simple, I believed that what I was doing was normal and this is the only way that I could live my life without having a mental breakdown or ending up in a mental institution. I took joy in what I was doing; getting high and not having to answer to anyone or have any responsibilities.
After finding out that I had a problem, as if it had even been a secret from myself, and that it was destroying my life and that me and my addiction, not anyone else, had landed me in prison was devastating. The only thing I can compare it to at this point is being 5 years old and your parents telling you that Santa Clause doesn’t exist.
I realize this might sound silly to some, but it is how I felt at that time. I know now that the realization that I made in prison saved my life. If I had not come to that realization I would hate to think about where I would be right now in my life. But that doesn’t matter. I am here, where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be at this moment.
There are times that I hate being an addict but then there are times that I love being a recovering addict. I have found out so much about myself that I am not sure I would have any other way.
In my recovery my old beliefs and joys have been replaced with new ones, more healthy ones and I am so happy that I am here and have experienced what I have!
Sometimes I, as a recovering addict look at life right at this moment and think “I should be so much further along” but then there are days that I look back at my past and thank God I have come so far in such a short time.
Life isn’t easy, we sometimes do not get the answers we want, and we have no idea what the future holds. But as a recovering addict we should see that we are so much better off than we were.
As the saying goes: “My worst day sober is way better than my best day high”
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Hi guys, I know that I said that I would be better about posting once a week, but as you can see that really hasn’t happened. I’m sorry. Life has been kind of crazy with the holidays. But it’s a new year and I have made (for a lack of a better word) resolutions.
So, I went to a meeting tonight, which is our stick-candlelight meeting. Each person picks a stick and then they talk about whatever is on that stick. Tonight I got happiness, but that’s not really what I want to talk about.
A member drew out acceptance, which is hard for people. These last two or so weeks I have been having a hard time with acceptance.
On the 20th my car was totaled (everyone was fine just not the car). Instead of just turning it over to my higher power I freaked out, got depressed, and just went into a bad place. I stayed sober but I was not in a good frame of mind. It took me awhile to get back to myself, and that only happened when I turned it over to my higher power and accepted that things happen and there was nothing I could do about it at this time. I also had to realize that it was just a car, they can be replace (which I do have a new car now) but thankfully no one was hurt, because life is not replaceable.
I was good…until tonight. People have comfort zones, places where they feel safe and secure. We all like to stay in them but sometimes we are pushed out.
I am the quarterback in my life (sorry I’m watching the packers game, they won…boo) when I get the ball I like to stay in my pocket until I am comfortable to throw the ball. Sometimes things happen and it starts putting pressure on me and forces me out of my pocket, sometimes things work out well and I throw the ball to the receiver and there is a touchdown. Other times life forces me out of my pocket and sacks me; those are the times when I get hurt.
The times that I am sacked are the times that I am not ready to be forced out of my comfort zone. Let me say that nobody is ever ready to be pushed out but there are times that you need to be to see that everything will be fine. Than there are times when it is not the time or good for you to be forced out.
Tonight I got sacked and it hurt, to be honest I am still hurting, my stomach is still in knots, I feel like I am going to throw up as well as cry and totally did not do to the best of my abilities what I made a commitment to do. I feel like crap. I feel like a failure.
But right now I have to give it up to my higher power, and accept that it has happened and there is nothing that can be done about it. I have to pray. And as a member said in the meeting tonight; we have to accept that we cannot control other people or other things, the only things we can control is what we do and say.
So now I have to accept that tonight has happened already, it is in the past, there is nothing I can do about it.
I have already talked to my sponsor which helped greatly but I know that my higher power as I understand him is right here waiting for me to surrender this to him and to have complete faith that he will take it from me and help me, he does not care how small or stupid it seems to us or anyone else. He accepts me completely
Acceptance is a great thing and an even greater thing when you finally get it.
Just writing it out has helped me.
I hope that everyone’s Christmas and New Year’s was great!