Thursday, August 4, 2011

Thoughts, Worries, Fears...Oh my!

So I am sitting here thinking about what to write about today. I have a lot of thoughts and issues going though my head. The issues are mainly family issues, nothing concerning my sobriety. One of the big thought that I have going though my head is, I think that I am going to get Kelli into counseling. I don’t know if she is too young, or if it will even help. But it will give her someone to talk to that has no “active interest” (<- is that even the right phrase?) in her life, and it will just be an outlet for her.
            My biggest fear is that what if they think because I am an addict (although recovering) and that I have been to prison, that I am not a capable mom nor should I have Kelli. I know the things I have done in my past and what I am doing to are 2 completely different things, but yet that is my worse fear. You know while in my addictive addiction that is the one thing that I feared the most, losing Kelli, not even death compared. Yet I kept on keeping on, the fear of losing one of the biggest things that I live for didn’t even stop me from drugs, or anything else for that matter.
            But I can not keep my fear from getting her help. She needs something. I don’t want every time that I step out side and she can’t see me turn into her thinking that I left again. It breaks my heart. So I have to put my fear aside and do what’s best for my daughter. Yep that’s what I need to do. Ok I am going to do it.
            Ok another thought that I have right now, I really need to watching my shopping; it is starting to be my replacement drug. I know that sounds silly to most people but addicts like to sub one thing for another. I have quit drinking, I have quit drugs, and I have even quit having sex. But I am still smoking (Cigarettes) and shopping (A LOT!!!!), but I am taking steps to stop it, tomorrow I get paid, and I am giving my money to my aunt and she will keep it for me unless I REALLY need it and she will make sure that I am help accountable. Which is something that I need right now. And let me tell you I love my aunt dearly but she can be a hardass when she needs to be! (Love you Aunt Jenny)
            Wow, ok now that that is all out in the open I kind of feel a lot better.

            I hope that everyone is having a great week and they are keeping there heads up, cause when our heads are down we tend to run into walls!  


  1. I love your honesty. Can you find a counselor that is recovery friendly, that understand the dynamics of recovery and how it affects our children? Maybe call some treatment facilities in your area for some references. Good for you Brandi and congratulations on 10 months!

  2. You know I have thought about that, and I am going to call pathways today and see if they can help or have any suggestions, and thank you very much!