So I am sitting here thinking about what to write about today. I have a lot of thoughts and issues going though my head. The issues are mainly family issues, nothing concerning my sobriety. One of the big thought that I have going though my head is, I think that I am going to get Kelli into counseling. I don’t know if she is too young, or if it will even help. But it will give her someone to talk to that has no “active interest” (<- is that even the right phrase?) in her life, and it will just be an outlet for her.
My biggest fear is that what if they think because I am an addict (although recovering) and that I have been to prison, that I am not a capable mom nor should I have Kelli. I know the things I have done in my past and what I am doing to are 2 completely different things, but yet that is my worse fear. You know while in my addictive addiction that is the one thing that I feared the most, losing Kelli, not even death compared. Yet I kept on keeping on, the fear of losing one of the biggest things that I live for didn’t even stop me from drugs, or anything else for that matter.
But I can not keep my fear from getting her help. She needs something. I don’t want every time that I step out side and she can’t see me turn into her thinking that I left again. It breaks my heart. So I have to put my fear aside and do what’s best for my daughter. Yep that’s what I need to do. Ok I am going to do it.
Ok another thought that I have right now, I really need to watching my shopping; it is starting to be my replacement drug. I know that sounds silly to most people but addicts like to sub one thing for another. I have quit drinking, I have quit drugs, and I have even quit having sex. But I am still smoking (Cigarettes) and shopping (A LOT!!!!), but I am taking steps to stop it, tomorrow I get paid, and I am giving my money to my aunt and she will keep it for me unless I REALLY need it and she will make sure that I am help accountable. Which is something that I need right now. And let me tell you I love my aunt dearly but she can be a hardass when she needs to be! (Love you Aunt Jenny)
Wow, ok now that that is all out in the open I kind of feel a lot better.
I hope that everyone is having a great week and they are keeping there heads up, cause when our heads are down we tend to run into walls!