The last day...

Man, I can not believe that it's the last day of November. That means this year is ending fast! So with that said here is my last thankful post for 2012:

30: Today I am thankful for this blog and the people that I have meant because of it. I have a really great support system in real life but the friends that I have meant on her have just added to it. I know that there are many that I can e-mail when I have an issue, and for that I am truly thankful!

Waking up

29: Today I am thankful for waking up this morning. It is a new day and I choose how to use it.

The past

28: Today I am thankful for my past, if I had not gone through what I have been though I would not be where I am today and have the amazing people in my life. There are days that the past still hurts, but those days are few and far between.

I can see!

27: Today I am thankful for my senses…I’m so thankful for eyes that see, ears that hear, a nose that smells, skin that senses touch, and a tongue that tastes, even if 3 of them don't work so well :)

Responsibilities

26: Today I am thankful for my responsibilities. I never really had any in my past life other then keeping Kelli alive, thankfully I did that. But now I have a bunch and sometimes they get bothersome and overwhelming, but I am an adult and a better person then I used to be, so I am able to handle them so much better now. If it were not for responsibilities I am not sure that I would do anything that I need to do. More days then not I like being and adult.

Thankful for so much...

...just having a hard time putting it in words.

25: I am thankful for people accepting me for who I am. Before I had to live up to what people thought of me-or so I felt. Today I don't have to do that. Today I have amazing friends that love me for all that I am and all that I am not. There are many that know my flaws and still accept me. For that I am truly grateful. I no long have to pretend.

A story told and some shopping done.

23: I was thankful that I could share my story with someone was going though a tough time and share some hope that one day it will get better.

24: Today I am thankful for having half of my Christmas shopping done.

Food!

22: I am thankful for the wonderful food we had today. Thanksgiving is my most favorite holiday. I had amazing family with me and even lost ten bucks at the casino. But we all laughed and ate and had a great time!

I hope all you guys had a great thanksgiving :)

Luxuries...

21: Today I am thankful for indoor plumbing and electricity, although when the morning comes and that said electricity causes my alarm clock to go off I am none to happy. But I digress…seriously although I love to camp I am not sure that I could live in a time when electricity and indoor plumbing were not available.

My boss is great!

20: Today I am thankful for my boss.  Today is Kelli’s thanksgiving play and it is her first speaking part. My boss has allowed me to take off early so that I am able to go watch her. J To work for truly great people is amazing. I could not ask for better bosses.

Just catching up :)

16: I am thankful for TRUE friends. They are always there no matter what I have or don’t have.

17: I am thankful for weekends. Just being able to do anything you want and not have to worry about the time or day. Weekends are great for naps!

18: I am thankful for shoes. They are the greatest, and oh so pretty.

19: Today I am thankful for laughter. Having a great laugh on the way to work in the morning makes Monday’s ALMOST bearable. J

A couple more thankful days :)

14: I am thankful for my health. Although I have a couple of issues when it gets cold outside from my using days over all I am healthy. I considered myself lucky, the damage that happens to other people that used for as long or longer then I have is sometimes irreparable.

15: I am thankful for my NA group. They are like family; they are always there around those tables when a person needs them. They are willing to listen and help when needed. I can call anyone from my group at any time, day or night, and know that they will be there for me, just like they would anyone else in that room. I am lucky to have found such a loving group.

Home is where the heart is.

Today I am thankful for my home.

In my 10 years of living by myself I have had lots of houses, apartments, duplexes…just places to live in general. But I have never had a home.

Today Kelli and I have a home; there really is nothing different between this place and the places we have lived before. All of stuff is there and it is arranged the way I want it. But it feels different.

There are not tons of people running in and out, there are not people “living” with me, Kelli has her own space and she loves it.

Today this is our home; we are there more than anywhere in this world. It might not be much to some people’s standards but it is amazing for us.

We love, laugh, cry, and play here. This is where we choose to go when we don’t want to be around anyone. This is where we share amazing moments together and with those closest to us.

Today we are happy that we have a home when so many people do not.

Dad's and Car's

11: I am thankful for my (Step) Dad. He came into my life when I was 16 and has never left mine or my mother’s side since. He was there when Kelli was born and any other thing that is happened. He loves us all even when we were unlovable and he didn’t have to.

12: Today I am thankful for my car. I haven’t had it for long, and I miss my other one, but this one is a good car. It gets me from A to B. It is not fancy or new and has a lot of miles, BUT it is mine and I don’t have to worry about how I am going to get to where I need to go.

Church...

Today I am thankful for my church family. They are a loving and caring bunch of people. Most everyone there knows that I have been in prison and they love me anyways. I could not ask for a better church to attend.

Feelings....

Today I am thankful for feelings.

There are times that I hate my feelings, this week has been a hard one for feelings. But I am thankful that I can feel them today and that I can deal with them head on. I might not deal with them in the easiest way, and when I try to explain them to someone they might not come out exactly how I want them to but I can do something about it today.

In my active addiction if a feeling came up I would go get high to cover it up. Today I don't have to do that. I know a better way.

But it is not easy, at least for me. My best friend told me the other day that she envy's the freedom I have for honesty. I can understand in the context that we were talking about why she would feel that way. But I don't, I hate that I told someone how I felt and now because of me opening my mouth I am hurting.

But I didn't know any other way to do it. I am new to this. Even though I have been clean 2 years, feelings are new to me. I really want to just shut them down and keep them hidden and put on my happy face "everything is fine".

But if I do that I will be hurting myself more. I can no longer keep things hidden from myself or anyone else. If I do, there will come a time that will no longer work and I will try to find something to get rid of the pain. I have been there, done that and do not want to do it again.

So I hurt this week, and I have tried to explain myself, I have tried to make things better. None of it worked. So what now? I don't know...all I know is that, for me, if I keep looking for my higher power to lead me and guide me to his will I will be ok.

Just one last thought: Try to be more understanding of people's feelings. You might not feel the same way in the situation, but that doesn't mean their feelings are wrong. They might not be trying to transfer their feelings onto you, but are just trying to explain. I think if we all try to listen with our hearts instead of hear with our ears, people might actually get to a place of understanding. (I need to work on this as well.)

Things to be thankful for are hard to find if you don’t want to look for them.

 I have been putting off the November thankful post because, well to be honest I have been in a “mood” lately, and just haven’t wanted to look. I have been isolating and just wanting to be by myself. BUT I know that with my addiction that can be a serious warning sign, for me at least.

So I am going to catch up on my thankful post today:

1: I am thankful for God. What he has done in my life so far is nothing short of a miracle.

2: I am thankful for my recovery and all the tools I have learned along the way. Without it I would not know what could and will bring me back to my using days.

3: I am thankful for my daughter. She is just like me and we butt heads often, but she is the light of my life and one of my reasons to keep trying every day.

4: I am thankful for my best friend, Debbie, without her support, love, and “friendly” pushing I am not sure that I would be where I am, nor as logical as I am today. And that says a lot because I am more of an emotional thinker then a logical one.

5: I am thankful for my sponsor who is there no matter what time and what silliness I bring to her.

6: I am thankful for a man who was in my life, although we are going through a rough patch right now, I really do hope it gets better. Without him I’m sure that I would be off in my own little world most the time, he bought me back to reality when I need to be. Although I feel like he lectures me more than he talks to me, sometimes that is what I need….but only sometimes.

7: I am very thankful to my mother. No matter the bad stuff that I have done she is always and will always be there for me. If I can be half the mom that she is then I will be doing well!

8: I am thankfully for my job; many people are without one right now and trying to figure out what to do. But these wonderfully people hired me knowing I had just gotten out of prison and that I have a felony. They are truly great people to work for and with, I could not have asked for more.

Self-sabotage

The dictionary definition of sabotage is “an act or process tending to hamper or hurt” or “deliberate subversion”

As an addict in recovery I can see where I self-sabotage sometimes on a daily basis. It is all subconscious but it is done all the same. My weight and my relationships are the two biggest issues that I have in self-sabotage.

With my weight I eat too much or not enough and don’t exercise, not because I don’t want to lose weight but that I am more comfortable “emotional” being a bigger person, I have a fear that if I lose weight people will look at me as if I am using again. I need to get over that and let myself know that it is ok that I lose weight, nobody will think I am using again and if they do who cares! I know I’m not!

Relationships are a totally different thing, I feel like it is a double edged sword. I have feelings just like everyone else, I am totally valid in the feelings I have…BUT I can’t seem to get past them. So now I sit here and wonder why? Is it because I can’t get past them or I don’t want to. If I get past them, I can move on to the future and be happy and have someone close to me. But when does close become too close for me? I can let people in but they only see what I want them to. Nobody, other than my best friend, is really close. There are those people that think they are and I try to let them, they even know stuff I wouldn’t want to tell anyone else, but is that close or is that giving them a little bit so they stay close enough until I figure things out?

I honestly don’t know, I know who and what I want in my life. It just seems that I am truly scared of it being there and being happy that I do what I can to screw it up. Do I like being happy? Yes. Do I think I deserve to be happy? No. And that is what bothers me. That is what I struggle with.

I know that if I was talking to my sponsor about this she would tell me to get though my fourth step so that I can leave everything behind and hopefully leave my self-sabotaging behaviors behind.

Nobody said that the sober life would be easy…but it is worth it.

I just have to figure things out and realize that I can’t do it on my own; I need the help of my group and my sponsor, as well as family and friends.

I hope that everyone had a great week and that you have an enjoyable weekend!