Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy New Year!

Well today is the last day of 2011, and I am so looking forward to 2012. I really think it will be the best of my life!

I hope you all have a great and safe New Years Eve!

Love you all!!!!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Playing Tooth Fairy!

I got to play tooth fairy monday night!

Kelli actually lost her tooth at 3 IN THE MORNING! How do I know that? Because she thought it would be a good idea to jump on mommy at 3 in the morning to tell me. It was so cute, but gave me a heartattack!

She is getting to big to fast!

I love that little one so much!

Chiefs game!

I am not sure that I have said this before but I am a HUGE Kansas City Chiefs HUGE, I love my boys.

This year they were playing the Raiders on Christmas eve.

I have been a Chiefs fan since I was 5 years old and the game that I wanted to go to oh so very bad was a Chiefs/Raiders game!

Guess what?!?!? This year I went!

A friend of mine had tickets, he had to work on Christmas eve, so I got them!!!!!

SO Josh (yes the one that writes some post for me, WHICH HASN'T WROTE ONE FOR A WHILE!!! Hint Hint!!!!) and I headed to the lovely stadium Saturday and we had some great seats and some great times!

The Chiefs lost :( But I did have a great time! So it was worth it anyways, and they only lost by 3 in overtime!

An emotional christmas.

I hope that everyone had a great Christmas.

I know for me and my family it was emotional.

Last year I was in prison for Christmas so being out and just being with everyone was great.

I didn't take any pictures which now I am kicking myself, but I enjoyed just being with everyone.

Thankfully my ex-husband was kind enough to bring Kelli back to me Christmas eve so that I could wake up with her Christmas morning. That was the best present ever!

The one and only picture I did get was of Kelli on Santa's lap. He made a surprise stop at grandma's house before he headed back to the North Pole.

Isn't she so cute!!!!

Happy is what we make it.

Believing In Myself

December 28

If we wanted to be happy it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, which is always difficult, since we think them happier than they are. -Baron de La Brede et de Montesquieu

How am I doing? We automatically ask ourselves that question many times a day. Always, of course, in relation to other people. How else could we make a judgement? Am I smarter? Younger? More successful? Richer? Better looking? And how about them? Are they more self-confident than I am? Luckier? Happier?

Yet the only way we can draw a conclusion is to imagine that we know about "them." Usually, we do not. Oftentimes we tend to overrate and exaggerate the quality of other people's lives. Because we're keenly aware of our own inadequacies, we may accord "them" most of the advantages we think we lack. (No doubt it would bowl them over to realize how happy they didn't know they were!)

What a relief it is when we arrive at the state where our self-esteem depends not at all on "them"-either what they think of us or what we think of them. Sure, the comparison questions are intriguing and fun to wonder about. Just as ling as the answers don't count for anything but idle entertainment.

Comparing my insides with other people's outsides makes for some wrong conclusions.

I still struggle :(

So yesterday I was really sick. Throwing up all day at work and when I got home as well. I had a fever and no energy. It was horrible.

I know that I have wrote about this before but I still struggle with it now.

I have been sober for 14 months and when I am sick is the time I think about getting high the most.

I don't like it. I don't like that feeling.

"Normal" people don't have it. I just want to be "normal", but I will never be. The only difference between now and then is that now I have the tools to help me when I feel this way.

Now, I know of another way.

Everyone says that after you hit a year that things will get easier. I don't know if that is true or not. But I do know that it seems we have more tools to use. Maybe it is easier or maybe it's just we have put SO much work into this year that we don't want to let go over a simple sickness.

I am not such which. All I know is that I am glad that even though I had the urges to go get high, today I know that there is a better way. And for that I am thankful.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Just for today: Acceptance

December 21

Acceptance And Change

"Freedom to change seems to come after acceptance of ourselves."
Basic Text pg. 56
Fear and denial are the opposites of acceptance. None of us are perfect, even in our own eyes; all of us have certain traits that, given the chance, we would like to change. We sometimes become overwhelmed when contemplating how far short we fall of our ideals, so overwhelmed that we fear there's no chance of becoming the people we'd like to be. That's when our defense mechanism of denial kicks in, taking us to the opposite extreme: nothing about ourselves needs changing, we tell ourselves, so why worry? Neither extreme gives us the freedom to change.
Whether we are long-time NA members or new to recovery, the freedom to change is acquired by working the Twelve Steps. When we admit our powerlessness and the unmanageability of our lives, we counteract the lie that says we don't have to change. In coming to believe that a Power greater than we are can help us, we lose our fear that we are damaged beyond repair; we come to believe we can change. We turn ourselves over to the care of the God of our understanding and tap the strength we need to make a thorough, honest examination of ourselves. We admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being what we've found. We accept the good and the bad in ourselves; with this acceptance, we become free to change.
Just for today: I want to change. By working the steps, I will counter fear and denial and find the acceptance needed to change.
pg. 371

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

War on drugs!

I found this article when I was reading Dad and Mom's blog post titled Food For Thought

I read it and thought I would share here, Time to end the war on drugs.

Just some Christmas funnies

Overcoming Self-Obsession: Just for today.

December 20
Overcoming Self-Obsession

"In living the steps, we begin to let go of our self-obsession."
Basic Text p.94
Many of us came to the program convinced that our feelings, our wants, and our needs were of the utmost importance to everyone. We had practiced a lifetime of self-seeking, self-centered behavior and believed it was the only way to live.
That self-centeredness doesn't cease just because we stop using drugs. Perhaps we attend our first NA function and are positive that everyone in the room is watching us, judging us, and condemning us. We may demand that our sponsor be on call to listen to us whenever we want - and they, in turn, may gently suggest that the world does not revolve around us. The more we insist on being the center of the universe, the less satisfied we will be with our friends, our sponsor, and everything else.
Freedom from self-obsession can be found through concentrating more on the needs of others and less on our own. When others have problems, we can offer help. When newcomers need rides to meetings, we can pick them up. When friends are lonely, we can spend time with them. When we find ourselves feeling unloved or ignored, we can offer the love and attention we need to someone else. In giving, we receive much more in return - and that's a promise we can trust.
Just for today: I will share the world with others, knowing they are just as important as I am. I will nourish my spirit by giving of myself.
pg. 370

4 more days

Well only 4 more days until Christmas, so says my daughter daily (a MILLION times a day lol)

This is the time of year that we get together with our families and realize just how much we really have. 

I have so much…I am truly thankful for.

This year I get to wake up with my Kelli Belle and see the look in her eyes when she sees that Santa has come.

That would not be possible without my family, my friends, my sponsor, my friends in recovery, and all you great supportive people in blog land J

I hope that everyone has a great and amazing Christmas and that all you wishes and dreams do come true

Friday, December 16, 2011

New blog!

So because Kelli and I are going to be doing this new hobby I have started a new blog just for it.

The DIY Junkie

I can't wait to get to get more projects going!

New Hobby!

Ok, so something that they suggest when you get into recovery is a hobby or something you enjoyed doing before the durgs that you no longer had a chance to do.

So I love to read but it gets boring at times.

BUT I have a new hobby, one that Kelli and I can do together! Do-It-Yourself projects!

Last night Kelli and I did our first one!

Is that not the cutest ever! Kelli totally did the whole thing, well I hot glued the caryons on, but she picked which ones go where and melted them. She was proud of what she did and so am I.

I enjoyed it greatly and so did she.

When I get off tonight we are going to the craft store to pick out more supplies for a DIY project.

Kelli is so excited and so am I.

Yesterday...A Year Ago!

Yesterday was December 15th. Last year that was the day that I had to turn myself into Layfetta County Jail to await my trip to Vandalia Correction Center.  That was the most horrible day of my life. I again had to leave my baby girl behind and go forward to something that I had no idea what was going to happen.

But that is all behind me now. It seems a century ago yet not so long ago as well. I never want to lose that feeling of how I felt when I was there. If I lose that I know I will lose again.

I am not ok with losing anything anymore.

This past week I have been called a bi**h more than once. That is ok with me, I don’t care. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me anymore. I have done wrong in the past, but I have been forgiving for all those wrongs. I will not make them again. My one and only concern is being a good mother. So the choices that I make and I don’t make are for her safety and well-being and that is all. If you don’t like the choices I make concerning her, well I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is.

I am no longer a people pleaser; I know longer care what others think besides Kelli. And sometimes as a parent you have to make a choice that our children do not like, but it is for their well-being. So with that said I am comfortable with the decisions I have made when it comes to Kelli’s and my life.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Kelli Christmas Program

Well, she did it, she made it though her first christmas program! Mommy did too, I was a complete mess, crying almost the whole time! It's like they grow up and we miss it, where did all the time go?

I was so glad that I was able to see this, it would have broke my heart if this was one more thing that I missed!

Not ever missing anything like this again because of my stupidity!

So here are some of the pictures!

 One of the whole group!

 Kelli and Mommy after the program!

Isn't she just the cutest thing ever? They all were!!!!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Guilt and a Christmas Program

Ok, so I did something this past weekend that I probably should not have done-I did not get high-but still I have a feeling of guilt because of it. I did have fun and didn’t do anything wrong. I actually have no idea why I feel some shame. Maybe because I feel like it could lead me into an unhealthy lifestyle that I don’t want anymore. Will I do it again? Honestly I don’t know. Can I do it again and make sure that I “behave”? Honestly I don’t know. I am not ready to talk about what I did, partly because I feel guilty, and hopefully I will soon be able to share. But for right now I just don’t want to. I don’t even really know why I am writing this here. Maybe just to get it out of my head because it is driving me insane, maybe to ease the guilt, I don’t know.

But on another happy note, Kelli is having her first Christmas program tonight, and mommy is so excited. Of course not as excited as she is, but still excited. I will have pictures and maybe even a video tomorrow! I can’t wait until tonight. She told me last night “Mommy I have to prepare you, my singing teacher says that I have to have my hands on my legs, a big smile on, and my eyes on my teacher, so I can’t look at you!”

I love that little girl! She is so cute and makes my heart just so happy. I am glad that no matter how screwed up I am/was that God saw it fit to give her to me. I could not ask for a better child. She is my favorite (does that count if I only have one? J ) and will probably be my favorite forever!

Friday, December 2, 2011

A Million Little Pieces

One thing that I can do now that I love is read. I love just sitting down in my chair and reading. I also like reading about addiction and what people went/are going though.

Right now I am reading A Million Little Pieces By James Frye.

Although I know that it is a true story but there are some parts that he "fibbed about" this book is a good read if you want to see into an addicts mind when they are going though recovery in the start.

Note: Not all addicts are alike. Some of these guys feelings that he shares might not be how another addict in recovery feels, but it some stuff does ring true to me.

One thing that I do not like about this book so far, I am only half way though it, his is view on 12 steps and a higher power. But that is only because I am where I am. I know that in the beginning I had more or less the same views on the 12 steps. NOT on my higher power, I always believed in him and had faith that he was real.

The more I read this book, they more I keep hoping that he "get's it" and figures out that the 12 steps really help and that he needs a higher power. I don't know if he will or not, I guess I won't find that out until the end. But I am still routing for him.

Anyways it is Friday and I am sooooooooooo very glad, I am ready for the weekend.

I hope everyone out there has a great weekend!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Day 30:

First I want to say that I am glad this is the last day that I am writing something that I am thankful for. Although there is a lot I am thankful for it is hard to put into words.

Today I am thankful for this not being 2010. A year makes a big difference. This time last year I was out on my furlough waiting to turn myself in on the 15th of December for my prison stay. I made it through that and am now on the other side of this wonderful life. Thankfully!

I am also thankful to all of you in my blog world! You have helped me though and given me hope and advice when needed and for that I thank you!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Day 29:

Today I am thankful for my health. I have done a lot of damage to my mind, body, and soul. But thankfully they are still intact and alive without MAJOR issues. Not saying that I don’t have any but compared to what it could be I am blessed.

Thankfully my bad past decisions were stopped before they could do anymore damage

Monday, November 28, 2011

Day 28:

I am thankful for huggles and snuggles from my baby girl! Although it did make it VERY hard to get out of bed today, and yes I was late to work :) but when you are snuggling with the best thing ever to come from me its hard to want to leave it.

I love my baby girl with everything in my being and I am trying very hard to show and teach her better so that she does not turn out like me!

I hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Only 2 more days until December, my this year has gone by fast.

Day 27:

I am thankful for advil. I had the worst headache, advil did not take it all away but it did make it bearable.

Day 26:

I am thankful that at this point in my recovery I can enjoy "me" alone time without freaking out if I am going to get so lonely that I will use.

I have had a weekend alone and I LOVED IT!

Day 25:

I am thankful for meetings. They are there for me whenever I need them. I do not go as often as I should. But no matter how I feel when I walk in there (confused, mad, hurt, etc.) I feel like a million bucks when I walk out.

I am so thankful for them and all the people in recovery that they hold!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Day 24:

Today I am thankful for a fridge to put all my goodies in until it is time to cook them. And a stove to cook all my goodies in.

I have a lot of things that a lot of people do not have and I have taken them for granted for so long.

But now, I don't take them for granted because today I could still be in prison and not have this stuff or time with my family on this wonderful day, and for that I am truly thankful!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Day 23:

Today I am thankful for God not answering the prayers that I know shoudl not be answer and that I probably shouldnt be praying for.

I know that they are not in my best interest and yet I still pray them.

Thankfully God knows just what we NEED!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Day 22:

First I want to say that I have no idea why Day 21 posted before Day 20, but oh doesn't matter...right?

Ok, Honestly I tried for about an hour to fix it before I heard myself repeating progress not perfection. I try to do every thing perfect, but it doesn't need to be that way. Which leads to my Day 22 thankfulness.

Today I am thankful that I am in a place of recovery that I know that everything doesn't have to be perfect, would I like it to be? YES! Do I sometimes freak out if it's not? OH LORD YES!

But I know that it is ok, and sometimes things have to not be perfect to be perfect <-if that makes any sense at all :)

Anyways, I am not perfect, nothing I do is going to be perfect...BUT today I have the choice to accept that or not!

Just for Today I will realize that I am great just the way I am :)

I hope that everyone is having a great week!

I love you all!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Day 20:

I am thankful for having a handy dad and daughter.

Saturday (Nov 19) my mom and dad came over.

Mom and I spent the day shopping and hanging out, Kelli and Papa spent the day building mommy a closet. They did a WONDERFUL job!