Wednesday, January 4, 2017

New Year Resolution or Just for Today?

New Year’s resolutions. For many years, I thought that you had to make a resolution and stick with it, and if you failed that was it. Not until this New Year’s Eve, when I put my son to bed at 11:45pm and watching the ball drop and ringing the New Year end by myself. When I realized what the New Year is about.

Yes, I was alone on the couch, but I wasn’t lonely. I was happy. I was content. I was feeling good. At that point in time I thought about 2016, how much my life has changed this year and even in the past couple of months. Some good, some not so good, and some needed.

At this moment, I thought about all my character defects;

  • ·         Anger-2016 has been a year of anger for me. Anger at big things, at little things, at people, and of course more than anything else, at myself. I hated being angry but it just happened. I knew that I didn’t have to be but it was just an overwhelming feeling that I didn’t know how to get rid of it.
  • ·         Hate-Which comes with anger. I found myself hating people, hating what people were doing to me, hating myself, and my life.
  • ·         Arrogance-When I had arrogance, I mean I had an entitlement issue, that I shouldn’t be treated this way. Why would someone do this. I wouldn’t do this.
  • ·         Judgement-Which comes with arrogance. Judging how people do things. As thinking about this I realize that I had been doing that because I was being judged valuably for so long, so for me to make myself feel better I would judge others.
  • ·         Closed-Mindedness- Not listening to other’s points of view. Being closed to what other’s think. But mostly this applied to me being closed-minded to my own thoughts, that they were wrong and my thoughts were “crazy”.
  • ·         Dependency- On others and what other’s think. Dependent on all the wrong things.
  • ·         Dishonesty-This applies to my dishonest with others and myself.
  • ·         Controlling- In 2016 I felt very out of control, so I would try to control other situations to help feel in control.
  • ·         Fear-I had fear over everything. I did not feel safe anywhere, my anxiety was so high. No matter where I was, who I was with, or what I was doing my anxiety was out of this world. I did not feel that I had a safe place. I felt fear that everything I was doing was wrong.
  • ·         Greed-It didn’t matter what it was I needed more. Not things or money, I didn’t care about that. But time, people, love, etc. I needed more. I think this goes back to fear, I feel I was scared that it would be gone.
  • ·         Rationalization-I would rationalization everything, to make me feel better, to make things easier to take. Mainly when it came to me. Oh, it’s ok that they treated me that I deserved it because I did this or I thought this.
  • ·         Gossiping-I did this about anything, anyone. But I would rationalize this by saying that I am venting. I just need to talk to someone, if I don’t I will explode. But it hurt other people and myself.
  • ·         Self-centeredness- This goes back to gossiping, I needed to vent, I needed someone to understand me, I needed I needed I needed.
  • ·         Validation-Which goes back to Self-centeredness and gossiping. I needed people to validate that I had a reason to be upset. That I was good enough, because I have been hearing that I wasn’t. Looking for validation in all the wrong places.
  • ·         Jealousy- These seem to go all together. I was jealous of people having it all together. Comparing people’s outsides to my inside’s. Feeling that people were doing right and they didn’t need validation. 
  • ·         Intolerance-I had intolerance for people. Which goes back to anger. I was angry with myself and intolerant of people that needed my time. I was intolerant of myself and the things I was going through. I was intolerant of people who tried to help me, who tried to help me see, who would even talk to me.
  • ·         Resentment-I had many resentments, coming from all the above character defects. I think the most difficult I have are the resentments against myself.
  • ·         Perfectionist-I have a huge problem with this, I want everything to be perfect, I want everything just so. I want me and everyone around me to be perfect. Which leads to my resentment to myself and others.
  • ·         Procrastination- “Well I won’t be able to do it perfect, so I am not going to do it now.” I procrastinated so many things.
  • ·         Impatience-I procrastinate stuff until I become impatient because it’s not done. I have been impatient with A LOT of people this year, including myself.

Which brings me to my last character defect;

  • ·         Self-pity-Combining all those character defect into one bowl makes a pretty good self-pity mess. And I would dwell in my self-pity many times through-out 2016.

Why would I write out and go over those defects in the new year? Especially since I am starting a new year. Why now?

Because I need to know that I am human and that there is no New Year resolution there is just for today.

I want to be a better person. I do not want to act out on my character defects.

I am a huge believer that 2017 is the year of spirituality. This is the year for me to get in contact with my higher power with me, who I am supposed to be and who I am growing into.

I say all this to say that the past 4 days of this year already it has been amazing. Spending it with my kids, family, church, God, and work. I have felt more balanced, loved, wanted, and accepted by myself.

But on the flip side of that, I have already messed up. My character defects have come out. I have felt fear and impatience with on aspect of my life. I have looked for validation with a situation that I was feeling a certain way about. I gossiped. I tried to control a situation that popped up just one the first day of the year. I have already been dishonest with myself. I have judged someone. And then became angry with myself.

BUT I did not stay stuck in them. When I got scared and impatient, after gossiping about it, I pray and asked God to take it from me, and prayed about the gossiping. When I noticed that I was looking for notification on the situation, I stop and prayed. When I realized that I was trying to control a situation, I surrender that situation to God. When I started being dishonest with myself, I prayed for the ability to be easy on myself, and to tell myself the truth. When I judged someone, I asked for forgiveness. And when I got angry with myself because I already messed up, I gave myself compassion and the knowledge that I am human.

I am not going to make a New Year’s resolution, because in my mind, it would already be ruined and it would be over.

I need to work on just for today. I need to realization that I am not perfect and I am going to make mistakes. I am going to hurt myself and others. It’s what I learned from it.

2016 I learned A LOT! I learned more than I probably wanted to, but I learned it no the less. Now I must apply the knowledge and that is what I am learning to do.

I would like to say that 2017 is the year that I am going to do that. But I can’t, but what I will tell you is that Just for Today I am going to apply what I learned today!