Saturday, December 19, 2015

Walking the way we talk

From the Just For Today Daily Meditation:

Walking the way we talk

Page 369
"Words mean nothing until we put them into action."
Basic Text, p.58
The Twelfth Step reminds us "to practice these principles in all our affairs." In NA, 
we see living examples of this suggestion all around us. The more experienced members,
who seem to have an aura of peace surrounding them, demonstrate the rewards of applying 
this bit of wisdom in their lives.

To receive the rewards of the Twelfth Step, it is vital that we practice the spiritual principles

of recovery even when no one is looking. If we talk about recovery at meetings but continue to live
as we did in active addiction, our fellow members may suspect that we are doing nothing more than

quoting bumper stickers.

What we pass on to newer members comes more from how we live than what we say. If we advise 

someone to "turn it over" without having experienced the miracle of the Third Step, chances are the
message will fail to reach the ears of the newcomer for whom it's intended. On the other hand, if we 
"walk what we talk" and share our genuine experience in recovery, the message will surely be evident
to all.

Just for Today: I will practice the principles of recovery, even when I'm the only one who knows.

When I first started going to meetings, sometimes, it was hard for me to figure out if people were really
living what the said. I was still at that in between stages of not trusting anyone and being so vulnerable
I trusted everyone.

When I speak at meeting I try to be as honest as I can when it comes to walking and talking. Sometimes
how I want things to be and how things actually are might be different. But I still try to walk the talk.

At this point I have a few 24 hours put together and sometimes it is obvious that people are not living
what they are speaking in the meetings. But can I still learn from them? Yes. I can still learn from what
they say, I can still learn how I want to live my life from them.

I can even learn how I don’t want to live my life. For example the other day I heard someone state
“I know so much about this program that I get in my own way.” My first thought was “I don’t ever
want to say I know so much about this program.” I feel if I think I know so much about the program
I become unteachable, unwilling, and dishonest, and those are just my feelings.

Every time that I go to a meeting I try to learn a new thing; rather it’s something that I didn’t know
before or a new way to look at something I have known since the beginning.

It also helps that I have a support group who is there at any time that I can bounce ideas off of and who
will BLUNTLY point out anything that I need to change.

Just for today: I will become more aware of walking the talk.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

NA slogans do we need them or are they just silly?

When I first started Recovery I thought the slogans that NA used were just silly and did not pertain to anything, they were just cliche.

As I have spent more time in Recovery and day-to-day life I realize that those slogans came about for a reason, they are true. 

The one that have struggled with the most is "what worked in the beginning of your recovery will work throughout your recovery." 

Lately, well for the last year and a half, I have been struggling not only in my recovery but at life in general.

A couple of days ago somebody said in a meeting "what worked in the beginning of your recovery will work throughout your recovery". 

So I sat down and I wrote a list of things that I had done in the beginning of my Recovery:

1) Meetings
2)Talked to Sponsor on a daily basis.
3)Working the steps
6)Bible Study
7)Get up early every morning and read the daily devotionals.
8)Bettered my relationship with Kelli
9)Took care of my relationship with my higherpower

But what am i doing now?

3)Take care of my family

And that's about it.

I'm not doing anything else for my Recovery that did in the beginning so it's no wonder that I am having a hard time. 

So what is keeping me from doing all the stuff that I did? I'm too busy I say, I have to go to work and take care of the kids, and meetings, and school and all the day-to-day life that comes about

But I seen on Facebook the other day "it doesn't matter if you're busy, you will take time out for what really matters to you". 

So does my recovery really matter to me? The answer is absolutely, without my Recovery I would not have my family, I would not have a job, I would not be able to go to school,  and I would not be able to live.

So again what is keeping me from doing these things? The answer is me. I am stepping in the way of my own life and my own recovery.

Is it true that I have a lot of stuff going on? Absolutely. 

Is it true that my life is very stressful? Yes, but it is also true that I would not change anything about my life other than how I look at it.

I love my kids, I love my significant other, I love my home group, I love my job, and I even love school. 

So just for today I will step out of my own way and be the woman that I was in the beginning of my recovery.

Friday, January 2, 2015

New year, new me?!

Not for me, not this year. Honestly it feels like the same me I have been for the last 4 years. Which, mind you, I am not complaining! The me that I have been for the past 4 years is way better than the person I was for 12 years before. But I have to be honest. I am getting bored, yet so busy I am exhausted. I work full time; go to school full time, and a full time mom. I love it; please don’t get me wrong, I really do love it. I am just struggling I guess.

New Year’s Eve was hard. I spent it with my kids and Josh. It was wonderful, I honestly could not have asked for a better one. But there were those thoughts in my mind that it would have been nice to go out and have fun and drink. Drinking…that’s where my thoughts ran. Addiction is hard. Addiction is cunning. Addiction sucks.

Honestly I think I know what the problem is. Feelings, I am very good at stuffing feelings, pretending stuff doesn't happen and then it comes up to bite me. Uggg after 4 years of being clean you would think I could cope with feelings better. At least I can recognize my issues still, right?

Secrets keep us sick. So I share. I have to share. No matter how angry I get at myself. Nor how angry anyone else gets at me. I have to share.

2015 is going to be great, because I am going to make it so. I hope everyone’s year goes smooth as well.