So I have to confess....
I have been sick for the past 4 or 5 days, although I am much better now and am on the mend, but I had a very low moment.
See when you are on Meth you don't get sick, well unless you are coming down and then you just use more and guess what your problem goes away.
I think you don't get sick because you have so many chemicals (mostly over the counter medicines) going though your body that it "protects" (<- I'm sorry I don't know another word) you from getting sick.
Yesterday was the worst day of the sickness, I could not get out of bed, I felt well for a lack of a better word yucky.
I actually thought not once, not twice, but a few times that if I did a shot that I would feel much better and I could go to work, clean the house, do the "motherly" things that needed to be done.
And you know what, I probably could have, BUT then what would have happened to me after I came down? The guilt of not being able to do something a "normal" person can do without getting high, the guilt of screwing up so close to having a year sober! Ug! I felt guilty even thinking about it!
What is wrong with the drug that no matter how good you are doing in life that it trys to bring you down?
Why is addiction so powerful that even the normal things make you think about getting high?
How messed up am I that I let a drug ruin my life?
Just some of the questions that I am asking myself.
But you know what, I got though this and many other things sober, so I am going to keep on going. I just hate that this is a daily battle within myself that I feel I may end up losing at one point. But I am going to fight it everyday!
I just have to remember that as long as I don't pick up that first time I will be ok.
Just for today I am sober!
Your such an honest girl...Keep up the good work, there is so much you have gained.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that I visit your blog often, and am going through what you are, just have not made it as far as you.. hopefully i will. its such a hard battle, and go through phases of "yes i will have the willpower" but then two weeks later want to use so bad when i am having a bad day. what have yo udone as far as coping methods instead of using? do you have any other ideas ?? anything would help. thanks! x0
ReplyDeleteRica- Thanks for leaving a comment, I appricate it. Also I want to tell you that we both have the same sober amount of time. There are only 24 hours in a day, and we are both sober for that amount of time! That's how I look at it. One day at a time.
ReplyDeleteI hate the consent battle, but it also feels good to know that I can overcome something so hard, it makes you stronger in a way.
My only coping method that I have used that really works for me is talking. Nothing I have tried has helped. Until I decided to open up and let people know how I am feeling when I need to. Talk, Talk, Talk! People that are going though the same thing we are have been in the same places we are now. They will not think we are stupid nor will they judge us for feeling the way we do. Sponsors are great. I love mine and talk to her almost everyday if not many times.
If you have any other questions or just need to talk read my FYI post!
I am always here!