Ok, So the last post was not a very happy one. But thats what I was feeling at the moment and I had to get it out, so now I will explain it a little bit.
S and I have been dating for a couple of weeks. Well this last weekend we had some "baby mama drama" (that's really the best I can descibe it) I was feeling insecure before, and then after the drama even more insecure. Not by anything that S has done, just my own self, I am working on it.
As an addict my biggest weakness for wanting to use is feelings. I hate feelings, well bad feelings anyways, and even though I have been sober almost a year when the bad feelings surface, to be honest, I think about using. That is when I have the hardest time. Well this weekend was no different, I had my bad feels, my thoughts went to "you know if you got high you wouldn't feel like this, you wouldn't care" and then my new thought process kicked in! I hear myself thinking, "Exactly, you wouldn't care, do you really not want to care anymore? I bet you would care if you ended up in prison again!" I love my new thought process! It is a blessing! So as soon as the tought of using went into my brain it went out again!
GenRxation posted a blog about my understanding blog: Day Eighteen.
I posted the following comment to her blog:
I didn't understand it either, that's why I got into and am still in a relationship. But now after being in one I understand. When we are struggling along in our first year sober, trying to find our footing and figuring out who we are as a individual now, because let’s face it when we were in our addiction we really had no idea who we are, we only have to worry about our sobriety. But when you throw someone else in the mix (who is also a recovering addict-in my case) it is not all about us anymore. Plus we have the normal pressures of worrying about that person and if we are doing things right, because that’s what happens in a new relationship until you get your footing together. Then you have some baby-mama drama (sorry I really don’t know a better way to put that) thrown into the mix that cause stress. Addicts are not very good at stress. Did I use over it? No! Did I think about it? Yes unfortunately I did, that makes me sad. But it makes me happy that I did not use.
I hope this explains some of the reasons, at least my findings anyways
Sometimes addicts that are on the new road to recovery don't understand why the "old heads" give the advice that they do, but sometimes it is not for us to understand. Sometimes we just need to take a leap of faith and trust the "old heads" that they know what they are talking about!
S and I are still together and we are working together to achive a common goal. He really is an amazing man...I just need to work on me!