Thursday, October 20, 2011

More from Josh!

So I don't think I can call Josh a guest writer anymore, he seems to be becoming a regular writer, and that is great with me. He is such an amazing person.

Josh wrote about accepting blessings for this post and he did amazing! I shared it with S this morning and he even said "nice" (which coming from S is a lot lol)

So without further ado here is Josh ladies and gentleman:

One of the many problems I faced in my active addiction, was not feeling worthy of good things coming into my life.  Maybe on a subconscious level, I would sabotage something "good" in my life, because I didn't feel worthy, or that I deserved it.  A hidden thought through this process, was "I'll just end up messing up sooner or later." 

This is just one of the many ways my addiction screwed up my thought process, and my mind.  My addiction taught me to always doubt myself, as well as others.  I would search for the bad/negative in any situation, or person.  This was just a way for me to stay in my addiction, and not let anyone get too close, lest they maybe see what I saw in the mirror everyday or thought of myself. 

Say I got a new job; well it wouldn't take long for me to start complaining that I didn't make enough, or I worked harder than anyone else.  Maybe I'd complain about having to work on weekends, or that I'd never be able to move up in the company.  Basically, any reason I could find to justify quitting down the road.  When it came to going back to school; "I've been out of school for too long, I don't know what I'd go to school for, it'll take too long to get a degree...  All of these thoughts of doubt would consume my mind so that I wouldn't even try to go back to school.  This is what my addiction did to me, plus a whole lot more.  "I'm a criminal, how will I ever get a good job?" Or, "Look at all I've done, the people I've hurt; I'll never be able to pay back everything I've taken, or be forgiven by those I've hurt." 

This is exactly what my addiction wanted me to think and feel like, so that I'd never try to change and just keep using to mask the pain.  Pardon my language, but since learning about my addiction, and joining a 12-step group; I can smile and tell my addiction F#*! YOU!

Today, I have a choice to not be the person my addiction turned me into.  I have a choice to change.  I don't have to be alone today, I can know that my Higher Power(who I personally call God) is always with me, and will always lead me; I just have to choose to follow his lead.  I'm loved, not just by one person, but more than I can count.  I have a new family of friends who will support me, and help me learn how to live.  I'm not who I was in my active addiction. 

Today, I can accept help, and be grateful for good things that come my way.  I am not worthless, but worthy of love, peace, joy, blessings, and so much more.  Today, I can stand up to my fears, and face them because I'm not facing them alone.  Today, I don't expect or await failure.  Today, I see opportunities, and hope that I am on the path to reach certain goals.  Today, I no longer have to stand in my own way, and limit myself.  Today, I'm not my own enemy.  I know that I'm loved, and can love myself for who I am today.  I'm worthy. 

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