Monday, October 10, 2011

Birthdays :(

Ok, I am sure that a lot of you getting ready to read this post will think “WTH, what is she complaining about?” But it is on my mind so I am writing it!

In 11 days I will be 27! It is scaring the crap out of me! Yes, I know 27, oh no poor baby! LOL!

When I turned 25 I laid in bed half the day crying. It was horrible.

When I turned 26 I was in county jail so that birthday was a bust, BUT county jail probably saved my life, thinking back to what we had planned for my birthday probably would have ended in death, I am not kidding either. Sad but true.

Now it’s 27, 3 years until I am 30. I have a year of sobriety under my belt, and although I am doing well I have accomplished nothing I thought I would have when I was little.

By now I really thought that I would have the “American dream”, 2.5 kids, house, white picket fence, a marriage that will last forever, and all the comes with it.

Instead I am a single mom to 1 kid, renting a house with no fence, struggling with sobriety.

I shouldn’t complain! The one kid I have is the most amazing, smart, and beautiful that anyone could ever have (even if does seem like I am living with dr.jekly and Mr. Hyde some days J )

I am living on my own in a house that I pay the rent on!

I have my own car and am paying my own bills.

I am dating an amazing man!

I have a year of sobriety and I am not letting that go at all.

So in everything I have been though I am doing better then I have ever done.

Yet I can’t help but think where would I be if I choose a different path?

Does anyone else ever think like this, or is it just me?


  1. It's easy to think this way and perfectly normal. I think about what would I be doing if I had gone to college? Where would I be if I hadn't met Darlene? Where would I be if I had bought that stock instead of this stock?

    Woulda, coulda, shoulda will do you in, only if you let it! The past is like harden cancrete of a sidewalk you have already walked on, you cannot change hte concrete. But the concrete around your feet today is hardening, your your best. The concrete of that sidewalk in front of you isn't poured yet. You get to set the forms. You want curves, plan them now, you want your name in it plan it today, you want it rough, you want it smooth. You get to decide today what lays in front. looking over your shoulder can't change a thing. You can look back and see all the mistakes in your sidewalk but there is NO jackhammer that will take them away. Look at what you don't like and make sure it isn't in your plan for teh concrete around your feet today.

    27 ain't so bad. When I was 27 I was working a hourly job running a production line putting soap in a bottle for Colgate Palmolive. I am 55 now and I am the general manager of a manufacturing company. In between there was good times and bad times. It isn't about the good time and bad time, the reality it is about the TIMES you have.

    Play the hand you have been dealt, if it requires bluffing go for it.

  2. All I know is that someday you will look back at being 27 and be so proud of yourself for where you were at and all that you have accomplished. Because all that you have done thus far is very noteworthy, not small beans at all. :o)

  3. We've all been there, and we all have those "What if" moments. In recovery I've learned the best way to handle these thoughts is to just stop myself, and start focusing on all of the things I do have and am grateful for. Or going even further and looking at the "What if" of how many times could I have been killed, or how easily many of my actions could have me sitting in a cell right now? It all goes to show, that when we have one foot in the past, and one in the future; we are (pardon language) pissing on today. I don't have all I want in life today or are where I would like to be, but I have those goals and hope of actually being able to reach them someday; and knowledge that today I'm on the path to reach those goals. This is Josh by the way! And I'm already 30, but loving life today and where I'm headed.