I feel like a slacker.

As far as this blog goes, I am the worlds worst blogger every! I have not been keeping up to date.

I feel like I am in chaos, trying to figure this new way of life out all over again. I was good where I was at, and then new things kept getting added to my life.

I understand that things have to change and I know that things can not be GREAT 24/7.  But can this world give a girl a break? Lol!

In all seriousness everything is going good. Last night I put Kelli's hair up in curlers for her costume today and then did her hair this morning so that she could have it ready when it was time for her school party.



 Tonight Kelli, S, and I are going to the town that his kids live in and taking all 3 (Kelli and his 2) trick or treating.

Tomorrow (hopefully) I will upload those pictures.

Everything is going good. Work is good. Life is good. And God is great! I have had a few rough spots but I talk to friends and my sponsor to get me though.

Although it can be very stressful I am happy with where I am.

I hope that everyone has a great Halloween.

It's My Birthday!

So today I am 27 years old.

It doesn't feel any different, but it feels better then a year ago!

I am excited for tonight! Haunted houses and Red Lobster!

I hope that everyone has a great weekend!

Each Day A New Beginning (Oct 20)

 

October 20, 2011

…you don’t get to choose how you’re going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you’re going to live. Now

-Joan Baez

How thrilling to contemplate that we can choose every attitude we have and every action we take. We have been gifted with full responsibility for our development. What will we try today? It’s our personal choice. How will we decide on a particular issue? Our options are only limited by our vision.

Every situation in life offers us a significant opportunity for making decision that will, of necessity, influence the remaining situations we encounter. Just as we are interdependent, needing and influencing one another in all instances that bring us together, likewise our decisions are never inviolate. Each is singly important; however, its impact is multiplied by the variety of other decisions triggered.

The choice is ours for living fully today, for taking advantage of all the opportunities that present themselves. Our personal growth, our emotional and spiritual development, are in our hands. God will provide us with the guidance, and the program offers us the tools. The decision to act is our, alone.

I will exercise my personal power. My choices determine my development.

Low Self-esteem?

Everyone (not just addicts) go though low self-esteem.

I read this daily devotional out of  Believing In Myself and I think that everyone who relate to it.

October 20

When I finally realized there was no such thing as enough money, sex, or things to make me happy, I was finally on my way.

-George S

Low self-esteem often reveals itself as a hollowness in the pit of the stomach and an emptiness in the heart. That hole hurts. Many have attempted to fill that void with “goodies” that don’t do anything but make a bad situation worse.

George certainly was one of those. He had all the usual qualifications for low self-esteem-a long training session as a youth that taught him he had no rights and that he would never amount to anything. He heard the message loud and clear. He was totally unworthy of love. So he set out in a frantic search for something-anything-to heal the hurt with in. his method was a nonstop scramble for more money, more sex, and more toys. He got plenty of everything he was after. Yet he found that none of them helped. When he finally discovered that the “give me more” trail always dead ends, he began looking somewhere else. Eventually his journey took him into his own heart. Where he found what he had been looking for.

Today, George has a different view. His face glows when he says, “I didn’t need to have more, I needed to be more. Now I have value and worth because of who I am. My happiness doesn’t depend on any outside condition or acquisition.” Nearly bursting with pride, he says, “I am me, I am okay, and that’s enough.”

Today I recognize my greediness as spiritual hunger.

Not sure how I feel about this?

Ok, so this morning I did not have a chance to read my devotionals. So I sit here at work reading them.

The first one I read was Devotions For Moms (actually it's the only one I have read so far today) and I am not sure how I feel about this one.

Usually after reading this devotional I feel pretty good, content, ok. But not today.

I would like your guys input if you want.

October 20

Choices

Who are those who fear the Lord? He will show them the path they should choose.

Psalm 25:12

There are currently many "just say no" campaigns against drugs, premarital sex, gangs, and other issues that children face in our society. Some years ago the president of the United States and the Speaker of the House took part in a news conference that kicked off a yearlong anti0drug advertising campaign. They said the campaign would attempt to "knock America upside the head." These ads would graphically illustrate the destructiveness of drugs and point out how vulnerable children are.

I was thankful that members of our government stood against the use of drugs, but I was concerned that we might spend the $195 million pledged to the campaign on symptoms and possibly fail to deal with the root issues, I believe that teaching our children how to make healthy and God-honoring choices regarding drugs, sex, and gangs has less to do with presenting lessons about the symptoms and more to do with encouraging children to make choices from an eternal perspective.

In his book Bold Love, Dan Allender states, "No one will leave an addiction or compulsion unless a competing passion is offered that gives a taste of what the soul was meant to enjoy. Only heaven with the beauty of restoration is a big enough passion to draw us away from the petty distractions and cheap addictions of this sorry world." Many children aren't motivated by negative consequences they doubt they'll ever experience. But they can be motivated by an understanding of the positive consequences of fellowship with God. The rewards-both now and eternally-are great.

I'm convinced that a large percentage of our focus as moms should be spent guiding our children toward God, whom we want to be the treasure of their hearts.

God,

There are many distractions and addictions that can cause our families great harm. Please help us point our children toward heaven and eternity, so that with your help they will turn from compulsions that would cause destruction.

Amen.

Additions

I added some new stuff to my store. Check it out.

For addicts: If you are looking for a bible that puts everything in plain English and that relates to you and you thoughts, I have added one to my store. It is called the Life Recovery Bible, my mom got me one when I was in prison and I absolutely love it! I actually have it in my bag so that I can read it later!

My store

First School Picture!

I know that I am posting a lot today, but I just had to share this.

Kelli got her first kindergarten pictures back!

 Isn't she so cute!

Look What I got!

First I have to say I absolutely love my momma! She sent me flowers and lunch yesterday for my happy 2 days before my birthday lol!

The lunch she had delivered

 My flowers and balloons

 My envelope

 And my card!

So, my birthday is tomorrow, and I have to say that I am kind of excited. Mom and dad are taking me and S to Red Lobster and the haunted houses in Kansas City, my aunt is coming to. It will be a great night!

This is the first birthday since I was a kid that I will be sober, and I am super excited.

It is funny to think that this time last year I was in county jail waiting to get sentenced.

A lot happens in a year! A lot of good things!

Here Today!

Each Day A New Beginning

This was yesterdays, I forgot to post it, but I loved it so I am posting it today.

October 19

 

One of the conclusions I have come to in my old age is the importance of living in the ever-present now. In the past, too often I indulged in the belief that somehow or other tomorrow would be brighter or happier or richer.

-Ruth Casey

            How easily our minds jump from the present to the foibles of the past or our fears about the future. How seldom are our minds on this moment, and only this moment.

            Before we picked up this book, where were our thoughts? We need to practice, with diligence, returning our minds to whatever the experience is at hand. A truly creative response to any situation can only be made when we are giving it our undivided attention. And each creative response initiates an even more exciting follow-up experience.

            All we have of life, all that is can offer us here, now. If we close our minds to the present, this present, we’ll only continue to do so when the tomorrow we dream of now becomes the present. There are no tomorrows.

I will let go of the past and the future. My only reality is here, now. God’s gift are here, today, right now.

This is true for addicts. When we were in our active addiction trying to get out we would look to the future. When this happens or that happens we will get sober. If everyone would quit stressing me out i wouldn't have to get high/drunk.

But then when we become recovering addicts, we look to the past a lot. Like Josh posted here (More From Josh) we think of all the bad things we have done and think that they are a hindrance. I don't believe that anymore. I think that if we overcame all the bad stuff that we did in our past and we have became sober we can climb a much bigger mountain and became what we were made to become. Rather that is a doctor, lawyer, teacher, trash man, McDonald's manager. It doesn't matter we are here TODAY, thankfully, so why not make the most of TODAY!

Just for today, I will overcome my past and be a better me!

More from Josh!

So I don't think I can call Josh a guest writer anymore, he seems to be becoming a regular writer, and that is great with me. He is such an amazing person.

Josh wrote about accepting blessings for this post and he did amazing! I shared it with S this morning and he even said "nice" (which coming from S is a lot lol)

So without further ado here is Josh ladies and gentleman:

One of the many problems I faced in my active addiction, was not feeling worthy of good things coming into my life.  Maybe on a subconscious level, I would sabotage something "good" in my life, because I didn't feel worthy, or that I deserved it.  A hidden thought through this process, was "I'll just end up messing up sooner or later." 

This is just one of the many ways my addiction screwed up my thought process, and my mind.  My addiction taught me to always doubt myself, as well as others.  I would search for the bad/negative in any situation, or person.  This was just a way for me to stay in my addiction, and not let anyone get too close, lest they maybe see what I saw in the mirror everyday or thought of myself. 

Say I got a new job; well it wouldn't take long for me to start complaining that I didn't make enough, or I worked harder than anyone else.  Maybe I'd complain about having to work on weekends, or that I'd never be able to move up in the company.  Basically, any reason I could find to justify quitting down the road.  When it came to going back to school; "I've been out of school for too long, I don't know what I'd go to school for, it'll take too long to get a degree...  All of these thoughts of doubt would consume my mind so that I wouldn't even try to go back to school.  This is what my addiction did to me, plus a whole lot more.  "I'm a criminal, how will I ever get a good job?" Or, "Look at all I've done, the people I've hurt; I'll never be able to pay back everything I've taken, or be forgiven by those I've hurt." 

This is exactly what my addiction wanted me to think and feel like, so that I'd never try to change and just keep using to mask the pain.  Pardon my language, but since learning about my addiction, and joining a 12-step group; I can smile and tell my addiction F#*! YOU!

Today, I have a choice to not be the person my addiction turned me into.  I have a choice to change.  I don't have to be alone today, I can know that my Higher Power(who I personally call God) is always with me, and will always lead me; I just have to choose to follow his lead.  I'm loved, not just by one person, but more than I can count.  I have a new family of friends who will support me, and help me learn how to live.  I'm not who I was in my active addiction. 

Today, I can accept help, and be grateful for good things that come my way.  I am not worthless, but worthy of love, peace, joy, blessings, and so much more.  Today, I can stand up to my fears, and face them because I'm not facing them alone.  Today, I don't expect or await failure.  Today, I see opportunities, and hope that I am on the path to reach certain goals.  Today, I no longer have to stand in my own way, and limit myself.  Today, I'm not my own enemy.  I know that I'm loved, and can love myself for who I am today.  I'm worthy. 

Faith To Faith

Faith To Faith

October 18

From Tradition to Truth

“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: who forgive all thine iniquities; who healeth all they diseases; who redeemeth they life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; who satisfieth they mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”

Psalm 103:2-5

            Is there actually a divine purpose behind the bad things that happen in you life? Could it be that the sicknesses and calamities you experience are somehow a part of God’s plan for you?

            Before you can ever begin to experience the healing, delivering power of God, you’ve got to know the answer to those questions. You have to settle them once and for all. If you even suspect that God is the source of your misfortunes, you won’t be able to believe Him for deliverance from them. Your faith will be crippled because you’ll think that by escaping those things, you’ll be opposing His will.

            In order to receive all the benefits God desires to give you, you must be absolutely sure that He is a good God. You must be certain that His will for your health, not sickness; prosperity, not poverty; happiness, not sorrow-100 percent of the time! Psalm 103 alone is enough to prove that’s true. But if it’s not enough to convince you, there are many other too. One of the best known verses is Psalm 136:1 that says. “O give thanks into the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.”

            If religious traditions have robbed you of the goodness of God, if they’ve taught you He brings trouble into you life so He can teach you something, start today washing those traditions away with the truth. Get out your Bible and let God Himself tell you thought His own Word that He is the God who heals you (Exodus 15:26). Dig in to the scriptures and discover for yourself that He is a God of mercy (Psalm 86:5), lovingkindness (Jeremiah 9:24), and compassion (Psalm 145:8).

            Put your doubts to rest and open your heart to receive the truth about you heavenly Father. It’s the only thing that can truly set you free.

Scripture reading: Psalm 89:1-28

Believing In Myself

Believing In Myself

October 18

A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world: Everyone you meet is your mirror.

-Ken Keyes, Jr.

It’s easy to get lost in a forest of labels as it is in a forest of trees. Adult Children, co-dependents, recovering addicts by the hundreds of thousands seem to be moving in the same direction-but they’re all marching under different banners! Figuring it all out can be very confusing. Do the differences really matter that much?

It’s good to remember that all people who are striving to improve their lives are on fundamentally the same journey. By any name, the core effort of all these groups is the same: to embrace life from a positive self-definition. Because we view the world much as we view ourselves, the common task of all self-help groups is to help us grow out of the negative self-definitions that create negative results in our lives.

Those who have learned to define themselves as losers will lose. Those who define themselves as unlovable will not allow themselves to be loved. People who see themselves as victims will be at high risk for the abandonment they most fear. The goal of all groups is to support positive redefinition. No matter what our starting point, we are all on the same path. Growth is not a dozen journeys-it is one journey with a dozen names.

Labels point out differences that fellowship doesn’t notice.

Each Day A New Beginning

Each Day A New Beginning

October 18

When people bother you in any way, it is because their souls are trying to get your divine attention and your blessing.

-Catherine Ponder

            We are in constant communication with one another and, in the spiritual realm, with God. No matter how singular our particular course may appear, out path is running parallel to many paths. And all paths will intersect when the need is present. The point of intersection is the moment when another soul seeks our attention. Their growth and ours is at stake.

            We can be grateful for our involvement with our lives. We can be mindful that our particular blessing is like no one else’s and that we all need input from the many significant persons in our lives. There is no insignificant encounter in our passage through life. Each juncture with someone else is part of the destiny of both participants.

I will look carefully and lovingly at the people around me today and bless them, one and all. They are in my life because the need to be. I, likewise, need them.

Devotions For Moms

Devotions For Moms

October 18

Choices

Lot chose that land for himself-The Jordan Valley to the east of them. He went there with his flocks and servants and parted company with his uncle Abram.

Genesis 13:11

            When we read the story of Abraham (here still named Abram) and Lot in Genesis 13, we are reminded that people display their true character by the choices they make. During Abraham’s sojourn from Haran to Bethel, he had become very wealthy in livestock, silver, and gold. Abraham and Lot’s herdsman weren’t getting along, so Abraham decided it was time to part ways. It would have been culturally appropriate for Lot, as the younger man, to show his respect to Abraham by giving him first choice of the land, but the opposite happened. Lot saw what appeared to be the most fertile land and selfishly chose it for himself, even though it included the corrupt cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham, on the other hand, allowed Lot to choose, knowing full well that from a human perspective he might receive the worse end of the bargain. He had faith that God would provide what he needed.

            Through Lot’s series of choices, he moved away from light and toward darkness. First he looked toward Sodom, next he pitched his tent toward Sodom, and eventually he lived in Sodom. Abraham’s choices stand in great contrast to Lot’s. Lot chose with his eyes and found corruption, but Abraham chose by faith and found blessings. In Lot’s insecurity he chose selfishly, and his life became progressively more isolated; but Abraham’s unselfishness in allowing Lost the most fertile land was rewarded with promise to give him all the land he could see-in every direction!

            It is very easy and tempting to make choices based only on what we see or what is readily available. How much harder, but wiser to seek and follow God’s wisdom about a significant choice. In all out choices we need to be moving toward Christ and his light, not away from him and toward darkness. As we practice living that way, we model wise choices in front of our children.

Father,

Please help us to walk by faith and not by sight.

Amen.

Time Management and Schedule's

      Another post by Josh:

      Last night we were talking about our busy lives and how we need to get back on schedule.

      We thought this would be a great topic for other recovering addicts!

      So here is Josh's take on it and I totally agree!

       A good friend and I were discussing how we schedule our time, and have to adjust with new responsibilities and things that come up.  To start off, this is one of the great blessings of living a life in recovery.  Yes, sometimes it is stressful, and it may seem like there is not enough time in each day to accomplish everything; but when we realize that we are actually trying to accomplish so much it is truly amazing.  In my active addiction, my scheduling and time management centered around using, or getting more drugs, and not worrying about other responsibilities that cut into my "using time."  Quite a remarkable change in my way of living. 

      One of the suggestions I've learned from recovery that has helped me the most, is remembering to keep my recovery first.  This in no way means that I have to spend the most time doing recovery related meetings, readings, etc.  What it means, is that all of the responsibilities I have to manage today, are from my recovery.  If i don't stay clean, then I will not be worried about my job, school, spending time with my daughter, exercising, and simple chores around the house.  My addiction took precedence over all of these things and much more; it ruled my life and decisions.  Today, I do my best to remember that being in recovery and staying clean is what allows me to even have so much to schedule and manage. 

      There is no magical formula of how we must schedule and manage our lives.  We are all unique and different, and each of us have varying responsibilities and things that are important to us.  The key is doing your best to find a balance that works for you.  Whatever works, right?  I've found that scheduling my days, not only helps me accomplish more, but reminds me that I can only do what I can today.  I just give my best effort with each day, and do what I can.  For me, I begin each day praying, and reading from the "Just For Today", which is a recovery based daily devotional used by many 12 step groups.  I learn that I can make the most of my time by multitasking some things.  When I'm doing school work, I just throw some laundry in and go right back to my school stuff!  When I have my daughter, she likes to exercise with me, so not only am I getting my exercise in, but also spending time with her.  For me, my friends are all in recovery, besides family members.  So I get to look at hanging out with them or going to meetings as two things; working on my recovery and spending time with friends.  These are just some of the things that have worked for me in my recovery.  We each have to decide what works best for us, and will help us stay clean. 

       Even writing this blog for an amazing friend, accomplishes more than one thing.  It's helped our friendship become stronger and closer, it helps me in my recovery, and allows me to give back what I've been given.  I can only hope that this post will help even one person in their recovery/life, and that is the miracle of one addict helping another.  I wouldn't be where I'm at today, without all of my friends in recovery and the support they give me. 

Having a WTF moment!

Ok so S and I are laying here playing on our phones. I am on cafe mom (I love that site by the way) and he is reading news articles.

From him I here "huh" he turns to me and says "Dr.Murray (Michael Jackson's Dr that is on trial right now) is only facing 4 years if he is convicted"

That gets me upset!

I have a 10 year back up for drugs!

He KILLS a man and he only gets 4 years! WTF!!!

Now don't get me wrong, I know what I did is wrong and I take full responsibility for it!

But why does a drug charge carry a bigger sentence then murder?

Maybe its just me but I feel there is something very wrong with that!

Not to mention when I was in prison, a mother who sexual abused and killed her 3 kids got out a month before I did after only serving 5 months!

How is this right?

Smile!

My mom got my a new daily devotional: The Confident Woman Devotional By Joyce Meyer

I loved today's so I though I would share!

October 12, 2011

Smile

I smiled on them when they had no confidence, and their depression did not cast down the light of my countenance. I chose their way [for them] and sat as [their] chief, and dwelt like a king among his soldiers, like one who comforts mourners.

Job 29:24-25

     It only takes seventeen muscles to smile, but forty-three to frown. In other words, you work a whole lot harder looking sour than looking happy! So make it a point to smile more. Smile a lot. The more you smile, the better you will feel. Your smile not only makes you appear and feel more confident, it gives others confidence. They feel approved of and accepted when we smile at them. We actually say more with our body language than we do with words. I can often tell if a person is confident just by the way they carry themselves and by the look on their face. Some people always look unsure and even frightened, while others appear confident and at ease.

     You may think that you cannot do anything about the way you look, but you can. I started out as a person who rarely smiled. I had a perpetual solemn look. I had lost hope; I had a negative attitude; I was fearful, and it showed on my face and in the way I carried myself. I started making changes by just smiling. Now I smile a lot.

     Make it a point to smile several times a day and see how it changes how you feel.

Lord, whether I feel like it or not, I will smile today and bring cheer to those I meet. I will rejoice and be glad. Amen.



DON'T FORGET YOUR SMILE TODAY!

I love this!

I have this on my phone wallpaper so that everytime I look at my phone I see this!

Step 1 (Part 2)

My study on the fist step:

The following is from the website A.A. way of life:

I am just going to pick out the main points but feel free to go to the link above and read it!

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Surrender is ESSENTIAL in order to recover from alcoholism. The "Big Book" devotes 51 pages to the first part of the surrender process; which is to admit we have a problem that we cannot help ourselves with.

Alcohol is a poison. The NORMAL reaction to alcohol is to have one or two drinks and not go any further. But, OUR reaction is MUCH different. We have one or two drinks just to get STARTED. Once an alcoholic starts drinking, because of the unique way it's processed in their body, we set off a craving where we want more alcohol. This is an allergy or abnormal reaction to alcohol because about nine out of ten people don't get that, once they start drinking. So an alcoholic CANNOT always predict how much they are going to drink, and a NON-alcoholic CAN always predict how much they are going to drink.

Below is from 12step.org:

How It Works

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
- A.A. Big Book, p. 24 (Substitute your own addiction for drink if your addiction is different than alcohol)

Step 1 is the first step to freedom. I admit to myself that something is seriously wrong in my life. I have created messes in my life. Perhaps my whole life is a mess, or maybe just important parts are a mess. I admit this and quit trying to play games with myself anymore. I realize that my life has become unmanageable in many ways. It is not under my control anymore. I do things that I later regret doing and tell myself that I will not do them again. But I do. I keep on doing them, in spite of my regrets, my denials, my vows, my cover-ups and my facades. The addiction has become bigger than I am. The first step is to admit the truth of where I am, that I am really powerless over this addiction and that I need help.
- From 12Step.org

When we admit our powerlessness and the inability to manage our own lives, we open the door to recovery. No one could convince us that we were addicts. It is an admission that we had to make for ourselves. When some of us have doubts, we ask ourselves this question: "Can I control my use of any form of mind or mood-altering chemicals?"
Most will see that control is impossible the moment it is suggested. Whatever the outcome, we find that we cannot control our using for any length of time.
This would clearly suggest that an addict has no control over drugs. Powerlessness means using against our will. If we can't stop, how can we tell ourselves we are in control? The inability to stop using, even with the greatest willpower and the most sincere desire, is what we mean when we say, "We have absolutely no choice".
- Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter 4/Step 1

Admitting powerlessness is absolutely essential to breaking the addiction cycle, which is made up of five points:

1. Pain ->
2. Reaching out to an addictive agent, such as work, food, sex, alcohol, or dependent relationships to salve our pain ->
3. Temporary anesthesia ->
4. Negative consequences ->
5. Shame and guilt, which result in more pain or low self-esteem

For example, the workaholic who has low self-esteem (pain) begins to overwork (addictive agent), which results in praise, success, and achievement (relief). However, as a rule, family relationships and his personal relationship with God suffer terribly because of preoccupation with work (negative consequences). The result is an even greater sense of shame and guilt because of inadequacies, both real and imagined, which brings him back to point 1 in the addiction cycle. Now the workaholic feels compelled to work even harder to overcome his guilt.
Understanding the addiction cycle is important because it helps explain why for both the Oxford Group and for Bill Wilson, the admission of powerlessness is the first step to recovery. Otherwise, we remain caught. If we rely on willpower alone, then the only thing we know to do is to escalate our addiction to get out of the pain. Step 1 calls us to do less - to yield, to surrender, to let go.
- Serenity, A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery, p. 22-23

This is just a few stuff that I found floating around there. If you need help with recovery please talk to someone.

Just think: you have tried everything else why not this?

Birthdays :(

Ok, I am sure that a lot of you getting ready to read this post will think “WTH, what is she complaining about?” But it is on my mind so I am writing it!

In 11 days I will be 27! It is scaring the crap out of me! Yes, I know 27, oh no poor baby! LOL!

When I turned 25 I laid in bed half the day crying. It was horrible.

When I turned 26 I was in county jail so that birthday was a bust, BUT county jail probably saved my life, thinking back to what we had planned for my birthday probably would have ended in death, I am not kidding either. Sad but true.

Now it’s 27, 3 years until I am 30. I have a year of sobriety under my belt, and although I am doing well I have accomplished nothing I thought I would have when I was little.

By now I really thought that I would have the “American dream”, 2.5 kids, house, white picket fence, a marriage that will last forever, and all the comes with it.

Instead I am a single mom to 1 kid, renting a house with no fence, struggling with sobriety.

I shouldn’t complain! The one kid I have is the most amazing, smart, and beautiful that anyone could ever have (even if does seem like I am living with dr.jekly and Mr. Hyde some days J )

I am living on my own in a house that I pay the rent on!

I have my own car and am paying my own bills.

I am dating an amazing man!

I have a year of sobriety and I am not letting that go at all.

So in everything I have been though I am doing better then I have ever done.

Yet I can’t help but think where would I be if I choose a different path?

Does anyone else ever think like this, or is it just me?

First sober birthday party!

So for the first time sober, I threw Kelli a birthday party.

I also made the cake! That is the first one I have ever done for her or anyone else for that matter.

It was great fun to be surrounded by family, friends, and her class mates.

I figured I would post some pictures.

I can’t believe how big my baby is, I am so grateful to be her with her to watch her grow, change and become her own person.

I am so grateful to care now!

Step 1 (Part 1)

Another post by Josh. He is such an amazing and insightful person, I hope that someone can get something out of his words!

Step One:

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, and that our lives had become unmanageable.

It is easy to say the words, but we need to look at exactly what we are admitting to.  Saying I am powerless over my addiction, isn't just saying that I am powerless over drugs (including alcohol).  The using of drugs is just one of the many symptoms of my addiction. 

My addiction is my obsessive and compulsive thoughts and behaviors in wanting to control anything and everything around me.  My addiction is my inability to handle life's stresses and even good times in a positive way.  For me, my addiction reached into every single part of my life, so when I admit that I am powerless over my addiction, I'm really admitting that I am powerless over my life. 

This is what my addiction has done to me, taken control of my life, which for me led to why my life was so unmanageable.  Each of us has to decide on our own the various ways our lives have become unmanageable, and all the ways in which we are powerless over our addiction.  We all had our own journeys and experiences in our active addiction, though many of us have experienced many of the same things, we each have our unique stories and places our addiction took us. 

 For me, my addiction affected everything, so I became powerless over everything.  My unmanageability was easily seen in many areas, but when I really looked, I could see how my entire life had become unmanageable.  Work, being a responsible father, friend, my health, relationships, and many other things were unmanageable in my life because of my addiction. 

Most 12-Step groups consider this first step, to surrender.  This in no way means that we have given up.  It means that I have decided to stop fighting my addiction and trying to do things on my own, because everything I've tried on my own hasn't worked.  It's humbling myself and finally being honest that I am not happy with my life and I want to change.  I wouldn't be where I am at today in my recovery, were it not for taking this first step. 

How can I expect to solve a problem, if I am not even willing to admit there is one in the first place?  By admitting my powerlessness and unmanageability, I begin to surrender to my ways of thinking and dealing with my life.  I admit that I am not happy with my life, and want to change.  That's all you have to do with this first step. 

There is no timetable or due date when it comes to recovery.  We work each step, one at a time, and in the order that they are written.  Let step two wait until I know I've worked step one to the best of my ability, because it's not going anywhere. 

 I try to live step one every single day, and remind myself of my powerlessness and unmanageability that came with my addiction.  My power today, comes from my surrender, and asking for help; which there is plenty of in many different forms if I look and ask for it.

Happy 1 year to me!!!!

Well I did it, I made it though!

Today is 1 year that I have been sober.

Last year well at this time I was getting booked into jail and starting my jail/court/prison journey.

I am so proud of how far that I have came in a year, but I also know how far I can quickly fall.

S and my mom both told me how proud they are of me and that feels so good to here.

These past 2 weeks have been crazy busy so I have not been posting alot. Today will be a day that there are a lot of post from me.

Josh has written another post and I just haven't had the time to put it up but I am going to along with others.

This is such a beautiful and amazing day to me, I hope that everyone else is enjoying this day as well!