Friday, July 29, 2011

Perfect? Not me!

July 29

"As we realize our need to be forgiven, we tend to be more forgiving."
Basic Text, p.38
Our behavior toward other people in our life is a mirror of our behavior toward ourselves. When we demand perfection of ourselves, we come to demand it from others around us, too. As we strive to repair and heal our lives in recovery, we may also expect others to work just as hard and to recover at the same pace as we do. And just as we are often unforgiving of our own mistakes, we may shut out friends and family members when they don't meet our expectations.
Working the steps helps us understand our own limitations and our humanity. We come to see our failures as human mistakes. We realize that we will never be perfect, that we will, at times, disappoint ourselves and others. We hope for forgiveness.
As we learn to gently accept ourselves, we can start to view others with the same accepting and tolerant heart. These people, too, are only human, trying to do their best and sometimes falling short.
Just for today: I will treat others with the tolerance and forgiveness I seek for myself.
pg. 219

Wow I think I really needed to see this one today. I have a problem with everything being perfect and going my way. I feel that I have messed up enough in my life that I should do everything now perfect and not one thing out of place. This comes with a lot of pressure on me as well as others. I even see myself doing this to Kelli-who is only five-I find that I think she should act like an adult as far as when we are in front of people. But who am I kidding she is five, she is a child and she is going to act like one! It frustrates me that sometimes I forget this.
This also frustrates me in my recovery. When I am having cravings or made a mistake, I think I should be father then this, I shouldn’t feel this way. But I need to give myself a break. I have only been sober 9 ½ months. It took me 12 years to get into this mess I am not getting out in 9 months. I am not going to wake up one day and just magically not want what I lived for my whole life. It takes work. But I do have to say as an addict I am more comfortable with instant gratification. But my sponsor says that if I am uncomfortable with it now then it’s probably something I should be doing. Ug the wisdom of sponsors!
I am also not a forgiving person. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. Someone does something and I think that it is the most horrible thing in the world and then I go do it. Well for example: my friend was doing meth, basically gave up her child for the drug and couldn’t see what she was doing to herself, family, friends, etc. So I kicked her out of my house and basically made her feel like the most horrible person ever. I quit talking to her, being around her and told the father of her children if they needed me to testify against her that I would in a heart beat! Yet here I was fighting my own demons. Not seeing what I was doing to myself or anyone around me. But I thought I was better because I still had my child and I was taking care of her what a crock of shit! Its things like that I look back on and say what the hell are you stupid? Yes I was! <- I’ll answer that one myself LOL!  But do I forgive her? Sometimes! But then there are the other times that I think what the hell is she still doing that for? Didn’t she see what happened to me? But I am judgemental and I am working on it. I still love her, I just hope that she doesn’t have to hit bottom like I do before she “gets it”. And because I have been there I wont turn my back on her like I used to if she comes to me and asks for help. I just have to be more forgiving all the time instead of some of the time.
Ug this working on your self is hard! I don’t like it. But it has to be done or I will not get any better. And Kelli will be raised in a house where there is right and wrong, instead of everything is good until you get caught! I don’t want that for her, that was not how I was raised and I don’t want to raise her that way either.

I might not be perfect. But I am better then I was!

Just for today: I will try to adjust myself to what is; not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my family, my business, and my luck as they come and fit myself to them.

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