So I was just going to let this go, but it is killing me, I feel so guilty! Tuesday I went to a meeting, after I went and picked Kelli up from my moms and we headed home. When we arrived home Kelli says that she needs to go potty “like really really bad mom!” so I open the door to let her in, she runs to the bathroom. I turn around and go back to the car so that I can get a few things out that I need to bring in. When I go back inside I hear Kelli cry and screaming for me, my heart dropped! I ran into my room and there she is on my bed, I run over to her and pick her up and looking all over for the problem (broken bones, blood, etc) I ask her whats wrong? And that is when my heart broke “I thought you left me, I couldn’t find you, I was scared you went away again!”
I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what to do, I just sat there holding her. She is so scared of losing me and with good reason I took myself away from her from 5 months while locked up! I can’t promise her that I am never going to leave her again because I don’t want to make empty promises, and sometimes with the court systems you can jaywalk and be sent back (just be honest-not blaming!). All I could tell her is that mommy is doing everything in my power never to leave her again.
I feel so guilty! I did this; I can’t blame anyone else but me! I hide my addiction very well for 12 years and did not want anyone else to know about it and I did that until I was arrested. But the aftermaths of an addiction are almost worse then the addiction (for me anyways). I hate seeing my baby hurt.
I am hoping that this guilt and shame goes away. But I think the thing I hope for more then anything is that when I am not where I am supposed to be Kelli thinks hey maybe she went outside instead of she left me.