Thursday, July 28, 2011

Mommy don't leave me!

So I was just going to let this go, but it is killing me, I feel so guilty! Tuesday I went to a meeting, after I went and picked Kelli up from my moms and we headed home. When we arrived home Kelli says that she needs to go potty “like really really bad mom!” so I open the door to let her in, she runs to the bathroom. I turn around and go back to the car so that I can get a few things out that I need to bring in. When I go back inside I hear Kelli cry and screaming for me, my heart dropped! I ran into my room and there she is on my bed, I run over to her and pick her up and looking all over for the problem (broken bones, blood, etc) I ask her whats wrong? And that is when my heart broke “I thought you left me, I couldn’t find you, I was scared you went away again!”
            I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what to do, I just sat there holding her.  She is so scared of losing me and with good reason I took myself away from her from 5 months while locked up! I can’t promise her that I am never going to leave her again because I don’t want to make empty promises, and sometimes with the court systems you can jaywalk and be sent back (just be honest-not blaming!). All I could tell her is that mommy is doing everything in my power never to leave her again.
            I feel so guilty! I did this; I can’t blame anyone else but me! I hide my addiction very well for 12 years and did not want anyone else to know about it and I did that until I was arrested. But the aftermaths of an addiction are almost worse then the addiction (for me anyways). I hate seeing my baby hurt.
            I am hoping that this guilt and shame goes away. But I think the thing I hope for more then anything is that when I am not where I am supposed to be Kelli thinks hey maybe she went outside instead of she left me.


  1. You're on the right path now, and you *won't* be leaving her again. Kids are resilient, she just has to get used to the idea, again, that you're here to stay.. it won't be long till she feels totally secure again. You did the best thing you could to cuddle her and reassure her. :)

  2. You are doing the best you can, babe. If you need help Pathways has a wonderful child counselor named Rebecca who worked with Riley for a while.