So this past weekend I moved into my own house, just my daughter and I, and out of my parent’s house. Although I was excited in that fact that I am moving along and taking all the right steps to lead a healthy, normal, drug free life I cant help but feel lonely. To make matters worse this weekend coming up is my daughter’s weekend with her father, which is great for her she loves to spend time with him, but what about me? This is a very selfish question…but let’s face the fact now I am an addict, its kind of just comfortable for me to be selfish-I’m working on it!
Kelli is going with her dad, my aunt and grandma that only live a block from me are going on a women’s retreat
AND taking my mom with them! I will be totally alone this weekend and I AM SCARED TO DEATH! Addicts have triggers, and if they say they don’t they are lying. I have many but one of the biggest one for me is emotions, loneliness is an emotion that I have not ever been able to cope with (that along with many lol). So this weekend is something that is going to be hard.
Well to be honest this week has been tough, at least I have had Kelli there and family just up the block, but I MISS MY MOMMY!!!! So Monday morning and yesterday morning I have woke up early-I mean really really early- to have coffee with my mom while we talked on the phone. When I was living with them I couldn’t wait to get my own place, not because I didn’t like living there, but because I wanted to feel “normal” again. Now i'm wondering if I moved to soon.
I don’t want to slip and I don’t want to go back to that life. But it is a struggle everyday, sometimes we move faster then we think we should in order to look and feel “normal”. I need to realize what is normal to other people might now be the best option for me.
But I have made it 9 ½ months with out any mind altering substances…I can make it tell the end of the day. Tomorrow we will see, one day at a time. That’s all I have to do right now is stay clean and sober today. Tomorrow is not here yet and yesterday is gone.
I shouldn’t worry about this weekend I should take joy in this being my first weekend by myself and I can get a lot of stuff done…like getting my house in order and without so many boxes. Yep that’s what I’m going to do!
I hope everyone is having a great Wednesday!
REMEMEBER: Just for today everything is all right within me!