Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Lonely much?

              So this past weekend I moved into my own house, just my daughter and I, and out of my parent’s house. Although I was excited in that fact that I am moving along and taking all the right steps to lead a healthy, normal, drug free life I cant help but feel lonely. To make matters worse this weekend coming up is my daughter’s weekend with her father, which is great for her she loves to spend time with him, but what about me? This is a very selfish question…but let’s face the fact now I am an addict, its kind of just comfortable for me to be selfish-I’m working on it!
                Kelli is going with her dad, my aunt and grandma that only live a block from me are going on a women’s retreat AND taking my mom with them! I will be totally alone this weekend and I AM SCARED TO DEATH! Addicts have triggers, and if they say they don’t they are lying. I have many but one of the biggest one for me is emotions, loneliness is an emotion that I have not ever been able to cope with (that along with many lol). So this weekend is something that is going to be hard.
                Well to be honest this week has been tough, at least I have had Kelli there and family just up the block, but I MISS MY MOMMY!!!! So Monday morning and yesterday morning I have woke up early-I mean really really early- to have coffee with my mom while we talked on the phone. When I was living with them I couldn’t wait to get my own place, not because I didn’t like living there, but because I wanted to feel “normal” again. Now i'm wondering if I moved to soon.
                I don’t want to slip and I don’t want to go back to that life. But it is a struggle everyday, sometimes we move faster then we think we should in order to look and feel “normal”. I need to realize what is normal to other people might now be the best option for me.
                But I have made it 9 ½ months with out any mind altering substances…I can make it tell the end of the day. Tomorrow we will see, one day at a time. That’s all I have to do right now is stay clean and sober today. Tomorrow is not here yet and yesterday is gone.
                I shouldn’t worry about this weekend I should take joy in this being my first weekend by myself and I can get a lot of stuff done…like getting my house in order and without so many boxes. Yep that’s what I’m going to do!

                I hope everyone is having a great Wednesday!

                REMEMEBER: Just for today everything is all right within me!


  1. minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. whatever works for you works. you got friends on here to reach out too and i'm sure you have others that love you too that would move a mountain to support you in recovery.

    never ever forget everyone out there pulling for you

  2. Just for today, but I think you are so wise to be thinking about the weekend as it feels like it could be a potential problem spot for you. Formulating a plan to manage it is so wise. Recognising that it could be trouble and verbalizing that here shows so much about your maturity, your humility, and your need for honesty in your life. Those are such amazing characteristics in one's life as they walk out their recovery each day.

    Do you have a sponsor? Can you let her know whats going on and that your a little nervous about your first weekend alone. Do you have a meeting schedule?

    See, I'm all about co-dependence so I am busy thinking of how I can help you through this weekend! Just be glad I don't live closer! lol

  3. 9 1/2 months is a great start to forever. Good plan for getting the house in order.


  4. I know it feels hard to enjoy the time alone, but this is a good opportunity to think about you and what you want. What are your interests? Can you begin to think about interests that you can develop as you go along. I was a single parent as well, as I remember the lonely weekends. Be grateful that your child's father is interested and involved. In the long run, this will speak volumes for your child. As you unpack, put on your favorite music and enjoy. Like is good - take each day and live each moment.

  5. Thank you guys! I do have a sponsor and she is great! I will be talking to her! I plan on going to a meeting friday night and from there I am not sure. I know that I can do this and I know that I can come out of this weekend sober, healty, and happy! Thank you all for your support!

  6. If you ever want to hang out let me know- if nothing else we can play in the pool ;)