“It’s a strange event in life when you come to realize that the beliefs and joys you hold so dear are also the ones that mean to destroy you”
This is a quote out of the book I am currently reading, East of Paradise, West of Ego by; Mark Walliser. This is a book about addiction and recovery, although I am not even half way through it I am really enjoying this book and finding myself relating to this story.
The above quote just stood out to me, as well as many others in the book, but this one more so.
When I first went to prison I was completely in denial that I had a problem or that I couldn’t control it. My beliefs in my active addiction were simple, I believed that what I was doing was normal and this is the only way that I could live my life without having a mental breakdown or ending up in a mental institution. I took joy in what I was doing; getting high and not having to answer to anyone or have any responsibilities.
After finding out that I had a problem, as if it had even been a secret from myself, and that it was destroying my life and that me and my addiction, not anyone else, had landed me in prison was devastating. The only thing I can compare it to at this point is being 5 years old and your parents telling you that Santa Clause doesn’t exist.
I realize this might sound silly to some, but it is how I felt at that time. I know now that the realization that I made in prison saved my life. If I had not come to that realization I would hate to think about where I would be right now in my life. But that doesn’t matter. I am here, where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be at this moment.
There are times that I hate being an addict but then there are times that I love being a recovering addict. I have found out so much about myself that I am not sure I would have any other way.
In my recovery my old beliefs and joys have been replaced with new ones, more healthy ones and I am so happy that I am here and have experienced what I have!
Sometimes I, as a recovering addict look at life right at this moment and think “I should be so much further along” but then there are days that I look back at my past and thank God I have come so far in such a short time.
Life isn’t easy, we sometimes do not get the answers we want, and we have no idea what the future holds. But as a recovering addict we should see that we are so much better off than we were.
As the saying goes: “My worst day sober is way better than my best day high”