Hey guys sorry it has been so long. We all have been very busy. This weekend Josh and I finally got moved into our new house, it was a rough start to the moving process but we got it. This coming weekend we still need to get some more stuff from Josh's house but it will be all over with soon.
The bun in the oven is still growing and man can I tell that...he (We found out we are having a boy!!!!!!!) has been playing hacky sack with my insides!!!!
Kelli loves the new house! So does Josh's daughter!!!! And for that fact so do Josh and I.
As soon as we get the house organized and things clam down I am going to try VERY hard to figure out a schedule and hopefully I will start posting more. (I know, I know, I have said that before! But I am really going to try hard this time lol)
I hope everyone is doing well and everything is going great!
This blog is to help me on the path to my recovery and hopefully help others out there fighting this addiction.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Destiny?
One meets his destiny often on the road one takes to avoid
it-French Proverb
I read this quote this morning and it made me think.
I don’t think that anyone ever woke up one day and said “I’m
going to become an addict, just for giggles and grins.” Well at least I never
did. But we end up there somehow…how did it get this bad, how did we end up
here? I am not sure, I still remember waking up in jail asking these questions.
But, with that said, I do believe that addiction led me to
the life I am supposed to have. Addiction is not something to take lightly,
addiction is death for us. BUT the good news is that it doesn’t have to be
death! We can find a new way to live. We have hope in recovery each and every
day.
If I wasn’t an addict, would my life be better? Looking back
now I really don’t think so. It took a VERY rough road to get me where I am
today but it was my destiny. I believe that every day. It is hard and sometimes
I have to find the good in day to day life. But the fact is, if I did not go
through my active addiction, I would not have all that I have today; My family,
my daughter, my boyfriend, my friends, and a new baby on the way.
I am truly thankful for my life, past and
present.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Staying clean and serene no matter what!
The only thing consistent in life is change. Everything in
life may be going great and the plan that you have is right on schedule, but
then life throws you a curveball and everything changes. The plans that you
once have seem impossible and you have no idea what you are going to do
now.
So what do you do? Ok, so right here I do not have the
answers, I wish I did, but life has thrown me a curveball. This right now is the
worst possible time to happen. But the one thing that I do know is that I have
a choice. I can keep fighting, facing this time and rising above it and
figuring out (with the help of my higher power) what to do next or I can go
back to my old way of life. This does at times seem easier, to just run and
hide and hope like heck that everything comes together how it’s supposed to.
But let’s face the facts; this is not how life works. Life
is not easy it does not work out on its own. It takes work on our part.
I have a great support system that, with them, I know I can
get through it. I will pray. I will figure out where to go from here. And most
importantly I will not give up hope.
I hope that everyone is doing great and life is going good.
But if it’s not right now remember it’s not the end of the world. This too
shall pass!
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Guarding our recovery
April 4
|
Guarding our recovery
|
“Remember that we...
are ultimately responsible for our recovery and our decisions.”
Basic Text, p. 103
––––=––––
Most of us will face choices that challenge our recovery. If we
find ourselves in extreme physical pain, for example, we will have to decide
whether or not we will take medication. We will have to be very honest with
ourselves about the severity of our pain, honest with our doctor about our
addiction and our recovery, and honest with our sponsor. In the end, however,
the decision is ours, for we are the ones who must live with the
consequences.
Another common challenge is the choice of attending a party where
alcohol will be served. Again, we should consider our own spiritual state. If
someone who supports our recovery can attend the event with us, so much the
better. However, if we don’t feel up to such a challenge, we should probably
decline the invitation. Today, we know that preserving our recovery is more
important than saving face.
All such decisions are tough ones, requiring not only our careful
consideration but the guidance of our sponsor and complete surrender to a
Higher Power. Using all of these resources, we make the best decision we can.
Ultimately, however, the decision is ours. Today, we are responsible for our
own recovery.
––––=––––
Just for today: When faced with a decision that may
challenge my recovery, I will consult all the resources at my disposal before
I make my choice.
|
Monday, March 18, 2013
Recovery doesn't happen all at once; it is an ongoing process, sometimes a struggle.
Sharing in meetings is sometimes a difficult thing for some
to do. Should I sugar coat it to make it sound like life is happy, happy,
happy, and everything is good? Here the past couple of weeks some of my friends
in NA have been talking about the sharing in meetings. So when I read the Just
For Today this morning, it put a lot of things into perspective.
“Sometimes the most positive message we can carry is that we
are going through difficult times in our recovery and are staying clean in
spite of them!”
You know that is true! When I am sitting in the meeting and I
hear someone sharing about something they are going through, that I have been
through in the past and could not imagine going through now that I am clean and
staying clean, it gives me inspiration. Their message is hope. Hope that I too
could stay clean through that situation. “If we are equipped with the tools of the
program, we can walk through such turmoil and stay clean to tell the tale.”
NA’s message is hope. At least that’s what I get from NA.
Hope that I can live a life worth living clean!
Just for today: I will honestly share both the good times and
the difficult times of my recovery. I will remember that my experience in
walking through adversity may benefit another member.
For the
daily Just For Today: http://jftna.org/jft/
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Coping with death
Death is something that is really hard for me to deal with,
in all reality I usually just don’t deal with it at all.
There are many deaths in my life that I still have not dealt
with and that I covered up with drugs. I no longer have that option. So now
that I am clean how do I deal with them? How do I cope when someone so close to
me passes away?
How do I come to terms with the possibility of losing
someone that growing up and even now I never thought would “leave”? How do I get over the guilt of not being
around this person because of my own stupid issues?
How do I deal with the deaths in my past? The sick part is I
have resentments against the people who have died. I think that is easier for
me…to be mad at them instead of just dealing with it.
How do you just let someone go?
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Life on life's terms.
Once you get clean off all drugs, how are you going to live
your life?
Just because you sober up and decided to leave the drugs and
alcohol alone does not mean that your life is going to get any better. Honestly
it could just stay the same.
It’s really in how you want your life to be, it is up to
you.
You can decided that your life is as miserable without drugs
as it was with drugs and give up and keep living that way
OR
You could decide that your life WAS miserable with drugs and
you refuse to let it be anything but happy without drugs.
Life is all in how you look at it. Living life on life’s
terms is something every addict must learn. I am still learning this and
sometimes even have a difficult time remembering all that I have learnt.
Life happens, that will not change. What will change are your
attitude, your willingness, and your openness to face each situation.
Is it easy? By no means what
so ever! But it is worth it.
My life has been way better
than I ever imagined it could be. The friends and family relationships that I have
now are more than I have ever had.
Just for today I am not
trading that in for more drugs!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Time for my second big (life changing) announcement (in red)
If we limited ourselves to the expectations we had when we
first got clean, we would have missed out on so much.
I know that I would have for sure. I expected to get clean
and that was it. I figured my life would be the same as it was before; just
without the drugs.
Man, am I glad that I let willingness and open-mindedness
into my life. With those two words, my life has been better than I ever could
have hoped for.
I have a wonderful baby girl that is my life; we have our
trying times, but they are worth it.
I have family that supports me in everything and are here
for me with whatever I need.
I have friends in and out of the NA program that encourage
me in the good as well as the bad times.
I have an amazing and healthy relationship with Josh; we
have good times and not so good times, but we always talk and work through them
together. We communicate and are there
for each other no matter how we are feeling at the moment.
I am expecting my second child; although it was a shock, is
a great blessing. One that I didn’t
really think would happen. And I honestly could not ask for a better father for
this baby or better big sisters.
There is so much more that I am grateful for. So much more
that fills my life with love, light, and happiness.
Sobriety is always great in and of itself…but it’s so much
better when you figure out how to live your sober life happy.
It is not easy, and nobody said it would be; but it is so
worth it. I would not trade my sober life for anything in the world…not even
the “bad” times.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Sad...
I am sadden today by all the status I see on facebook saying “Today
Whitney Houston is one year clean and sober, congrats” To many of you guys this
might seem funny, but to people who struggle daily with addiction this is no
way funny. Addiction is a serious disease that takes the lives of many every
day. Death is a very real possibility for addicts and when it happens it is
sad, regardless of what you might think of the person. Thankfully I was one of
the lucky ones that got out alive.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Procrastination and powerlessness
Well here it is Thursday night. I am so totally not doing
what I am supposed to be doing?
What am I supposed to be doing you ask? I am supposed to be
working on my 4th step, trying to get it finished after working on
it since September. Yea, so not doing that!
What am I doing instead? Well I started typing up my first
step so that I can have it on my computer. This turns out to be ok, because I
have thought about powerlessness again. This is something that I don’t think
about on a daily basis and I should.
Which now I have to blog about J
I am powerless over my whole life. The only thing I am not
powerless over is myself, my actions, my thoughts, my words, and my reactions to other
people. I can only control what I say or do, I cannot control what others' do or how they perceive
my words, sometimes people read into things I say that are not there. As much
as I am a people pleaser and want to explain until I am blue in the face and
apologize, sometimes no matter what I say they are not going to change their
mind. That is just something I have to accept. I can only do so much. I am not
perfect neither is anyone else. Something else I need to accept. Those are hard
things to accept. I just need to keep working on me and hope that at some point
these things become easier to accept.
Now hopefully I can quit procrastinating and get to my step
4…well it’s the thought that counts right?
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Life changes :)
Hi guys, hope everyone’s 2013 is going great so far. Mine?
Has been full of ups and downs so far, but to be honest even the downs have not
been horribly bad.
So, in this coming year there are going to be a lot of life
changes. Many that I don’t want to discuss, right now. But one I would like to
talk about is my dream.
A friend and I have decided that we are going to start our
own business. It has been something that I have wanted to do for a while. But
with Kelli, work, and other life stuff I really have not had a lot of time to
commit to this dream. But with this friend we will be able to make it together.
We are going to start small and out of our homes but hope to
soon grow into a store. Just need to get clientele in this economy. I have
faith.
So what is the business? We are starting our own cake
business. It is something we are both passionate about. So if you need a cake,
cupcakes, etc. let me know J
This is a very exciting time for me, although I know I will
be very busy adding this into my life it is something that can make my life.
Dreams are something that not a lot of people have in the
grip of their addiction. I know for me dreams were not something I gave a lot
of thought to. I didn’t think that I would be able to do anything with my life
other than what I was doing.
I don’t want to live without living anymore. I am taking
this opportunity and running with it. If it works out that would be amazing and
more than I have ever done in my life, if it doesn’t work out than you know what
at least I tried and gave it my all.
Have a great week!
Monday, January 14, 2013
Beliefs and Joys Replaced
“It’s a strange event in life when you come to realize that
the beliefs and joys you hold so dear are also the ones that mean to destroy you”
This is a quote out of the book I am currently reading, East
of Paradise, West of Ego by; Mark Walliser. This is a book about addiction
and recovery, although I am not even half way through it I am really enjoying this
book and finding myself relating to this story.
The above quote just stood out to me, as well as many others
in the book, but this one more so.
When I first went to prison I was completely in denial that
I had a problem or that I couldn’t control it. My beliefs in my active
addiction were simple, I believed that what I was doing was normal and this is
the only way that I could live my life without having a mental breakdown or
ending up in a mental institution. I
took joy in what I was doing; getting high and not having to answer to anyone
or have any responsibilities.
After finding out that I had a problem, as if it had even
been a secret from myself, and that it was destroying my life and that me and my
addiction, not anyone else, had landed me in prison was devastating. The only
thing I can compare it to at this point is being 5 years old and your parents
telling you that Santa Clause doesn’t exist.
I realize this might sound silly to some, but it is how I felt
at that time. I know now that the realization that I made in prison saved my
life. If I had not come to that realization I would hate to think about where I
would be right now in my life. But that doesn’t matter. I am here, where I am
supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be at this moment.
There are times that I hate being an addict but then there
are times that I love being a recovering addict. I have found out so much about
myself that I am not sure I would have any other way.
In my recovery my old beliefs and joys have been replaced
with new ones, more healthy ones and I am so happy that I am here and have experienced
what I have!
Sometimes I, as a recovering addict look at life right at this
moment and think “I should be so much further along” but then there are days
that I look back at my past and thank God I have come so far in such a short
time.
Life isn’t easy, we sometimes do not get the answers we
want, and we have no idea what the future holds. But as a recovering addict we
should see that we are so much better off than we were.
As the saying goes: “My worst day sober is way better than
my best day high”
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Acceptance
Hi guys, I know that I said that I would be better about
posting once a week, but as you can see that really hasn’t happened. I’m sorry.
Life has been kind of crazy with the holidays. But it’s a new year and I have
made (for a lack of a better word) resolutions.
So, I went to a meeting tonight, which is our
stick-candlelight meeting. Each person picks a stick and then they talk about
whatever is on that stick. Tonight I got happiness, but that’s not really what
I want to talk about.
A member drew out acceptance, which is hard for people.
These last two or so weeks I have been having a hard time with acceptance.
On the 20th my car was totaled (everyone was fine
just not the car). Instead of just turning it over to my higher power I freaked
out, got depressed, and just went into a bad place. I stayed sober but I was
not in a good frame of mind. It took me awhile to get back to myself, and that
only happened when I turned it over to my higher power and accepted that things
happen and there was nothing I could do about it at this time. I also had to
realize that it was just a car, they can be replace (which I do have a new car
now) but thankfully no one was hurt, because life is not replaceable.
I was good…until tonight. People have comfort zones, places
where they feel safe and secure. We all like to stay in them but sometimes we
are pushed out.
I am the quarterback in my life (sorry I’m watching the
packers game, they won…boo) when I get the ball I like to stay in my pocket
until I am comfortable to throw the ball. Sometimes things happen and it starts
putting pressure on me and forces me out of my pocket, sometimes things work
out well and I throw the ball to the receiver and there is a touchdown. Other
times life forces me out of my pocket and sacks me; those are the times when I
get hurt.
The times that I am sacked are the times that I am not ready
to be forced out of my comfort zone. Let me say that nobody is ever ready to be
pushed out but there are times that you need to be to see that everything will
be fine. Than there are times when it is not the time or good for you to be
forced out.
Tonight I got sacked and it hurt, to be honest I am still
hurting, my stomach is still in knots, I feel like I am going to throw up as
well as cry and totally did not do to the best of my abilities what I made a
commitment to do. I feel like crap. I
feel like a failure.
But right now I have to give it up to my higher power, and
accept that it has happened and there is nothing that can be done about it. I
have to pray. And as a member said in the meeting tonight; we have to accept
that we cannot control other people or other things, the only things we can
control is what we do and say.
So now I have to accept that tonight has happened
already, it is in the past, there is nothing I can do about it.
I have already talked to my sponsor which helped greatly but
I know that my higher power as I understand him is right here waiting for me to
surrender this to him and to have complete faith that he will take it from me and
help me, he does not care how small or stupid it seems to us or anyone else. He accepts me
completely
Acceptance is a great thing and an even greater thing when
you finally get it.
Just writing it out has helped me.
I hope that everyone’s Christmas and New Year’s was great!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)