Please help!

Blogger family I need your advice!

Kelli is not listening or behaving at school and in all honesty here at home either.

I have tried everything; taking things away, early bedtime, extra chores, spanking, and yelling. Nothing is working! I don't know what to do!

Any and all advice is welcomed and appreciated!

Side note: I understand that this is my fault because in the past I didnot make her listen or really care (sad but ture) just now I feel hopeless and like I am drowning.

Thank you

This to shall pass!

So I have to confess....

I have been sick for the past 4 or 5 days, although I am much better now and am on the mend, but I had a very low moment.

See when you are on Meth you don't get sick, well unless you are coming down and then you just use more and guess what your problem goes away.

I think you don't get sick because you have so many chemicals (mostly over the counter medicines) going though your body that it "protects" (<- I'm sorry I don't know another word) you from getting sick.

Yesterday was the worst day of the sickness, I could not get out of bed, I felt well for a lack of a better word yucky.

I actually thought not once, not twice, but a few times that if I did a shot that I would feel much better and I could go to work, clean the house, do the "motherly" things that needed to be done.

And you know what, I probably could have, BUT then what would have happened to me after I came down? The guilt of not being able to do something a "normal" person can do without getting high, the guilt of screwing up so close to having a year sober! Ug! I felt guilty even thinking about it!

What is wrong with the drug that no matter how good you are doing in life that it trys to bring you down?

Why is addiction so powerful that even the normal things make you think about getting high?

How messed up am I that I let a drug ruin my life?

Just some of the questions that I am asking myself.

But you know what, I got though this and many other things sober, so I am going to keep on going. I just hate that this is a daily battle within myself that I feel I may end up losing at one point. But I am going to fight it everyday!

I just have to remember that as long as I don't pick up that first time I will be ok.

Just for today I am sober!

Sick and tired :(

I haven't wrote for a couple of days, mainly because I am sick along with Kelli.

So I am going to keep this short, I am forcing myself to write on here because if I don't try to keep my self busy I feel like I could curl up and sleep for ages.

I am hoping that this isn't something to serious. I took Kelli to the doctor on Friday and he said that she has a upper respiratory infection. My poor baby, but she is back to her old self and is playing and says she is feeling good.

Mommy on the other hand not so much, I am glad that I have S he helps me so much. S tried to talk me into going to the doctors, but this momma does not do doctors! I do not like them.

My nephew was born Saturday, he was 8 lbs 11.7 ozs and 20.5 inches long. I was in the room when my sister had him, it was amazing! It is something that I will never forget!

Ok, I am already exhausted and I haven't even wrote that much, so I am going to end this right here.

I hope that everyone is having a great week. I wish you love and health!

Just had to share!

Last night:

Me- Kelli do you know how much I love you?

Kelli- How much mommy?

Me- I love you a super super lot!

Kelli- Is that like 111?

Me- LOL yes something like that!

Kelli- Wow mommy that's alot of love!

I love my baby girl!!!!!!

Just a mixture!

Well first let me start by saying 6 years ago exactly I was in the hospital giving birth to my beautiful baby girl! I didn't know at that time how much my life would change in these 6 years. Her and I together have been though up's and down's but I was glad to have her ever step of the way standing by me loving me.

My boss gave me the ok to come into work late today so that I could take Kelli to school. I am so thankful to him for that. (I really love my job and the people that work with me)

So here is a picture of the birthday girl bringing goodies for her class. I was kind of upset that we could not bring in homemade stuff because of the school's policy but at least she got to bring in something (thanks to my mom)

I can't believe how big she has become :) I am such a proud mommy right now!

Ok, now onto the recovery part of this blog.

I think that I have figured out what is wrong (well at least part of the problem)

I am no longer scared! That is not good, I need to be scared. Being scared is what has kept me sober and go though what I have been though.

Why am I not scared anymore? I am not sure. Maybe I have become comfortable in my life right now and feel good. I am wondering if that is so bad?

I am not sure. I am no expert on recovery as a whole, just mine, and I am not even sure about that.

All I know is that right now I am doing ok. Today my mood is good. I have been at a level place and my outlook on my future, well to be honest just today, is good.

I am loving my higher power, my life, my family, and my friends.

What more can a girl ask for?

Nothing from my point of view.

This would be better if...

“This would be better if I were high.”

I actually uttered that phase this weekend. I did not feel good about it.

It is still a struggle everyday, some more then others.

What was funny is when I actually said that I wasn’t thinking about getting high or anything drug related at all. It just slipped out like it was natural to say.

Which I guess to us addicts it is natural. But it is still disturbing when it happens.

Actually to be honest I have no idea what is wrong with me. My body seems to be going out of whack. I have been getting sick to my stomach for what seems to be no reason at all. My moods are up and down. I am so sleepy it is not even funny. I wonder if this is because I am trying to get back on schedule?

I don’t know.

But onto a more uplifting side. Kelli turns 6 tomorrow! My big girl is growing up. She was with her daddy this weekend so he had her birthday party for her and we are having her birthday party with mommy this weekend. She is so excited.

Well I guess I should get back to work and I hope that my emotions stay up or at least level, I could deal with level!

Changes and the unexpected!

So today I have a guest writer.

He is a friend of mine from the groups I go to. He is awesome and such a good person and friend. He was so kind to write something for my blog and I appreciate it so much.

He is writing about changes and staying sober, which is something that I think is important for anyone going though recovery to understand.

So without much further ado;

Changes and the unexpected

By: Josh

At some point in most addicts recovery, an unexpected event occurs, that throws your routine off.  It may be just for one day, or it could be a few months.  We always have to be aware of how these events make us feel, and how we react to said events. 

If you get sick, you may stay at home from work.  You might skip going to a meeting, or not call your sponsor that day.  You just may decide to stay in bed all day because you need lots of rest to get better.  Or if you're active addiction was anything like mine, you would use to "feel better".  So it's important to at least keep that contact with someone in recovery and let others know you're not feeling well.  This helps you stay accountable for yourself and allows you to share your feelings with another person. 

           What if you have a surgery or accident that keeps you "out of commission" for a significant period of time?  Maybe physically you are unable to get to meetings.  You're entire schedule and routines are thrown out of whack.  You may stay in contact by phone or emails with others in recovery, but you can't get to meetings and socialize with others in recovery.  Maybe a month or two go by and you've stayed clean through these changes.  When you are up and moving again, you start to make excuses for not getting to meetings.  Maybe in your mind, you tell yourself, "Well I stayed clean for that long without going to a meeting, maybe I don't need them anymore." 

Our disease loves to put these thoughts into our heads.  Addiction wants you to "test" yourself in your recovery, because it knows eventually it will win every time.  We've all heard the saying, "if you keep playing with fire, eventually you'll get burned."   I've accepted that I'm powerless over my addiction.  I need a power greater than myself to guide me and give me strength and support every single day.  The day I think I've got my addiction beat, will sooner or later be followed by my using again.  Every individual has different means of support and routines they establish in recovery.  Whatever works to help you stay clean and live a fuller life. 

Just remember what has worked to get you clean, and keep you clean;  for however long that may be.  If something is working, you keep doing it.  "A man was having a string of horrible days back to back.  He went to his sponsor and asked what he should try.  His sponsor asked if he had been saying the Serenity Prayer.  The man said no.  Sponsor told the man to say the Serenity Prayer at least 50 times a day for the next week.  After a few days the sponsor called the man and asked how things were going.  The man replied, "I took your suggest and it worked so well for the first two days that I stopped doing it" 

Thank you Josh, you did a great job!

I hope that this post helps someone out there as much as Josh has helped me in my recovery!