Ok, bear with me on this post, I am doing it from my phone so I am not sure how this is going to go.
This is nothing really important I just can't sleep, don't know why it is bugging me, but it is! I worked very hard this weekend to get my house done and it finally is finished. So now I am snuggled down in my bed. my coffee is set so that I can have a cup as soon as I wake up, I have a load of clothes in the washer, Kelli is sound asleep, yet here I lay (since 9PM mind you) still awake.
I should feel good that my house is done and I should be exhausted enough to sleep, yet I'm not! Ugggg!
Why can't I sleep?
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
It's almost time!
So Kelli starts Kindergraten next thursday (8/18/2011), I am getting pretty sad/excited (still conflicted) so I was going though all my pictures that I have of her on my computer so I though I would share :)
Kelli's 1st birthday
Kelli when she was 2
Kelli at 3
Kelli at 4
Kelli's first day of Preschool
Pre-school picture taken the day she turned 5
Kelli's first lost tooth (this was a picture I recieved in prison)
Easter 2011
Spring Pre-school pictures
And for the finally picture what she decided to dress her self in the other day!
Wow my baby is getting so big! She is so ready for school, I don't think mommy is though!
A good place!
Everything is really going good right now, I am not sure if I have anything to write about. Kelli is going to her dads this weekend and I will be at home trying (yes still) to get everything unpacked. I feel like I am in a good place in my recovery and my life. Sometimes the phase “when is the other shoe going to drop?” comes to mind. Right now it feels like everything is too good to be true. I really shouldn’t complain about that!
I did do something really exciting last night…brace yourself’s for it…ready? Are you sure? Ok here I go…Kelli and I mowed our lawn! Ok, ok I know that it might not be exciting to you guys but it was the first time that I mowed the lawn in our new house and well it was the first time that I have mowed the lawn in year’s lol! It was relaxing and I felt a sense of pride after I was done.
After we were done Kelli and I sat on the porch, she looked around and said “Wow mom it looks nice, you did a good job” J that made me beam inside. A compliment from my daughter is the best kind a person can receive. There are my days where I want to give up and give in, but then just being with her makes my day brighter! Not sure if there is anything better.
I know that there are a lot of people with addiction and with family members that are addicts still in pain. But hopefully one day all the addicts will feel what I am feeling right now. A sense of pride, joy, love, and appreciation are something that can not be taken for grated. Life is not easy but it’s not hard either, we just have to find a balance that we can live with sober.
I hope that everyone is having a great Friday and I wish you all a great weekend!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Meth Kills!
Meth Kills...The Campaign Against Methamphetamine
I was wondering around on the Internet and found this great poem; if you or a family member is addicted to Meth please check out the website ( just click on the link above, it really is very informative)!
I was wondering around on the Internet and found this great poem; if you or a family member is addicted to Meth please check out the website ( just click on the link above, it really is very informative)!
If my glamorous lifestyle is appealing to you.
And you want to try me because you've nothing to lose.
Then, let me give you a bit of advice. You are a fool.
And you'd better think twice.
I destroy homes. I tear families apart.
I take your children and that's just the start.
I'm more valued than diamonds. More precious than gold.
And you want to try me because you've nothing to lose.
Then, let me give you a bit of advice. You are a fool.
And you'd better think twice.
I destroy homes. I tear families apart.
I take your children and that's just the start.
I'm more valued than diamonds. More precious than gold.
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember; I'm easily found.
I live all around you. In school and in town.
I live with the rich. I live with the poor.
I live just down the road. And maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but not in one like you think.
I can be made under your kitchen sink.
Or in your child's closet and even out in the woods.
If this scares you to death, It certainly should.
I have many names, but there's one you'll know best.
I'm sure you've heard of me. My name's Crystal Meth.
My power is awesome. Try me you'll see.
But if you do, You may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go.
But if you try me twice, then I own your soul.
When I posses you, You'll steal and lie.
You'll do what you have to Just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, For my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasure, You'll feel in my arms.
You'll lie to your mother. You'll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears you must not feel sad.
Just forget your morals and how you were raised.
I'll be your conscious. I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from their parents. I take parents from kids.
I turn people from God. I separate friends.
I'll take everything from you;
Even your good looks and your pride.
I'll be with you always. Right here by your side.
You'll give up everything; Your family, your home
Your money, your friends, You'll be all alone.
I'll take and I'll take 'Til you've no more to give.
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned: THIS IS NOT A GAME.
If I'm given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravage your body. I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely. Your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you when your lying in bed....
And the voices you'll hear from inside your head....
The sweats, the shakes, and the visions you'll see....
I want you to know:
These are your gifts from me.
By then it's to late and you'll know in your heart
That you are now mine, And we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me. (They always do.)
Remember, you came to me. Not I, to you.
You knew this would happen. How many times were you told?
But you challenged my power. You chose to be bold.
You could have said "No" and then walked away.
If you could live that day over now, what would you say?
My power is awesome as I told you before.
I can take your mother and turn her into a whore.
Go ahead and curse me with every breath.
Just make your choice:
Will it be life or meth?
You will take unknown paths on your journey through life.
Some will bring happiness. Some will bring strife.
But, my path is one you must not ever cross.
Although it's well trodden countless lives have been lost.
Now that you've met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can show you more misery than words can tell.
Come, take my hand. Let me lead you to Hell.
If you need me, remember; I'm easily found.
I live all around you. In school and in town.
I live with the rich. I live with the poor.
I live just down the road. And maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but not in one like you think.
I can be made under your kitchen sink.
Or in your child's closet and even out in the woods.
If this scares you to death, It certainly should.
I have many names, but there's one you'll know best.
I'm sure you've heard of me. My name's Crystal Meth.
My power is awesome. Try me you'll see.
But if you do, You may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go.
But if you try me twice, then I own your soul.
When I posses you, You'll steal and lie.
You'll do what you have to Just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, For my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasure, You'll feel in my arms.
You'll lie to your mother. You'll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears you must not feel sad.
Just forget your morals and how you were raised.
I'll be your conscious. I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from their parents. I take parents from kids.
I turn people from God. I separate friends.
I'll take everything from you;
Even your good looks and your pride.
I'll be with you always. Right here by your side.
You'll give up everything; Your family, your home
Your money, your friends, You'll be all alone.
I'll take and I'll take 'Til you've no more to give.
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned: THIS IS NOT A GAME.
If I'm given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravage your body. I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely. Your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you when your lying in bed....
And the voices you'll hear from inside your head....
The sweats, the shakes, and the visions you'll see....
I want you to know:
These are your gifts from me.
By then it's to late and you'll know in your heart
That you are now mine, And we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me. (They always do.)
Remember, you came to me. Not I, to you.
You knew this would happen. How many times were you told?
But you challenged my power. You chose to be bold.
You could have said "No" and then walked away.
If you could live that day over now, what would you say?
My power is awesome as I told you before.
I can take your mother and turn her into a whore.
Go ahead and curse me with every breath.
Just make your choice:
Will it be life or meth?
You will take unknown paths on your journey through life.
Some will bring happiness. Some will bring strife.
But, my path is one you must not ever cross.
Although it's well trodden countless lives have been lost.
Now that you've met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can show you more misery than words can tell.
Come, take my hand. Let me lead you to Hell.
Stuck between NA and Relapse
So I found out today that a friend of mine has relapsed. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure that there is anything I can do. I don’t hang out with him anymore because we are both new in our recovery, if one of us slips we both might. So I can’t go to and comfort him and tell him that it is going to be OK. I have to stay my distance and use the resources that I have to get him though this over the phone.
Phone comfort is so hard. You can not see their reactions, you can’t see their eyes to know what they are truly feeling, you just don’t know. But this is all I can do right now. I have given him a list of meeting in his area and told him to run as fast as he could to one. Talk, listen, ask for help, but I just don’t know if he would do that.
Something I don’t understand, he and I have been sober for the same amount of time. Where is my relapse? Is it coming? Am I going to have one? I don’t want to and I am doing everything I can not to, but you have to wonder how one addict can have a relapses and another of the same sober time doesn’t. What is it that I am doing that he is not? What can I share with him? What can I give him? I just want to help!
It is one thing feeling hopeless and not know what to do when it’s you, but it is something completely different when it is someone else. I just don’t know what to do, I want to run to him and hold and tell him everything is going to be okay, like I used to do when he was coming off a bad high, but I can’t-and this is a self-fish reason but I don’t want to mess up my recovery. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, although in this situation I guess it would be called NA and relapse.
I just need to pray.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
What if's, cleaning fairies, and ramblings!
Today feels different and weird. I would like to think it’s a good thing but I am just not sure. Last night I was official done with all my groups and I was/still am really excited. But now I have a feeling of what to do now, kind of a lost feeling. I know that it was time for those groups to end and I am moving onto more things like starting an NA meeting and doing church activities, so just because I am done with groups doesn’t mean that I am done with recovery.
But I have been doing these groups for the last 4 months of my life, met some amazing people in recovery and have the most amazing sponsor. I know what my problem is, change, I (most addicts) don’t like change, and when we are first in recovery we must get a schedule so that we don’t have the “free” time to go use. But now I am further along in my recovery and have out grown (is that the right phase?) certain things and need to move on to things that fit into my life now.
But, and I’m not going to lie, I am a little bit scared. What if the group I start doesn’t take off, what if the people I meet in my new chapter are not as supportive and great as the last chapter? What if I fail at this and I want to start using again? What if, what if, what if? Man I am getting tired of what if’s! They really will keep you up at night! (<- just an FYI) Ok, done with the what if’s. There is nothing that I can do about them. I just have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
Now, I am stressing terribly bad right now, as you guys know I have moved into my own house (for those that don’t know, well keep up people! Lol just joking love you all) I have finished the living room, kitchen, and Kelli’s room. BUT my bedroom, the bathroom, and the mud room are yet to be done and it is driving my INSANE!!!!!! I know that it will get done, but it just is not getting done fast enough. Where are the cleaning fairies when you need them?
I just need to accept the fact that it will get done when it gets done and just quit stressing! Ok, I am done rambling! I hope that everyone is having a great week and that it has been blessed!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
GOOD THINGS!!!!!
Before I write this blog let me give you a little backstory:
1) I was on probation in county 1
2) Caught a new case in county 2
3) County 1 violated me for new case while in county 2’s jail
4) County 2 set me to prison for 120 treatment
5) When I got out county 1 made me do an after care program at a place called Recovery Lighthouse and continued my probation.
6) County 2 made me do an aftercare program at a place called Pathways.
Ok now onto the blog:
So for Pathways I had to do 10 group sessions and 10 individual sessions. On July 11th I was done with my group sessions but still had 6 individual sessions. Well last night I went to my 5th individual session, let me tell you I was dreading it, I don’t like that place much and my counselor and I just didn’t mesh well. But I was going none the less, when I got in there we were talking and at the end of the meeting he tells me that he thinks that I am doing very well and that he is going to give me an early discharge. Sooooo I am done with that program! YAY!!!
Not only that, but tonight is my last group at Recovery Lighthouse! So I am done with that program as well! This means that I have completed all my requirements for probation. The only thing that I still have to do is pay off my restitution and I am done! I hope and pray that as soon as I am done with that, maybe I could get off probation early. That would be wonderful! But not getting my hopes up because county 2 is well not very nice! Anyway! I was so happy last night and I am still happy today. Today I am in a good mood and a good place, it feels great!
Also, I moved to a different town, in this town they do not have any meeting. No NA, AA, Celebrate Recovery, nothing! So I have decided that I am going to start a NA meeting in my town. I have read The Group Booklet and I have also talked to someone at the head thingy (yes I realize that is not a correct term but that’s all my mind can come up with right now lol) and they are sending me a starter kit. So hopefully I can get this thing rolling SOON!
I hope every one is having a great week!
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