Self-sabotage

The dictionary definition of sabotage is “an act or process tending to hamper or hurt” or “deliberate subversion”

As an addict in recovery I can see where I self-sabotage sometimes on a daily basis. It is all subconscious but it is done all the same. My weight and my relationships are the two biggest issues that I have in self-sabotage.

With my weight I eat too much or not enough and don’t exercise, not because I don’t want to lose weight but that I am more comfortable “emotional” being a bigger person, I have a fear that if I lose weight people will look at me as if I am using again. I need to get over that and let myself know that it is ok that I lose weight, nobody will think I am using again and if they do who cares! I know I’m not!

Relationships are a totally different thing, I feel like it is a double edged sword. I have feelings just like everyone else, I am totally valid in the feelings I have…BUT I can’t seem to get past them. So now I sit here and wonder why? Is it because I can’t get past them or I don’t want to. If I get past them, I can move on to the future and be happy and have someone close to me. But when does close become too close for me? I can let people in but they only see what I want them to. Nobody, other than my best friend, is really close. There are those people that think they are and I try to let them, they even know stuff I wouldn’t want to tell anyone else, but is that close or is that giving them a little bit so they stay close enough until I figure things out?

I honestly don’t know, I know who and what I want in my life. It just seems that I am truly scared of it being there and being happy that I do what I can to screw it up. Do I like being happy? Yes. Do I think I deserve to be happy? No. And that is what bothers me. That is what I struggle with.

I know that if I was talking to my sponsor about this she would tell me to get though my fourth step so that I can leave everything behind and hopefully leave my self-sabotaging behaviors behind.

Nobody said that the sober life would be easy…but it is worth it.

I just have to figure things out and realize that I can’t do it on my own; I need the help of my group and my sponsor, as well as family and friends.

I hope that everyone had a great week and that you have an enjoyable weekend!