Feelings....

Today I am thankful for feelings.

There are times that I hate my feelings, this week has been a hard one for feelings. But I am thankful that I can feel them today and that I can deal with them head on. I might not deal with them in the easiest way, and when I try to explain them to someone they might not come out exactly how I want them to but I can do something about it today.

In my active addiction if a feeling came up I would go get high to cover it up. Today I don't have to do that. I know a better way.

But it is not easy, at least for me. My best friend told me the other day that she envy's the freedom I have for honesty. I can understand in the context that we were talking about why she would feel that way. But I don't, I hate that I told someone how I felt and now because of me opening my mouth I am hurting.

But I didn't know any other way to do it. I am new to this. Even though I have been clean 2 years, feelings are new to me. I really want to just shut them down and keep them hidden and put on my happy face "everything is fine".

But if I do that I will be hurting myself more. I can no longer keep things hidden from myself or anyone else. If I do, there will come a time that will no longer work and I will try to find something to get rid of the pain. I have been there, done that and do not want to do it again.

So I hurt this week, and I have tried to explain myself, I have tried to make things better. None of it worked. So what now? I don't know...all I know is that, for me, if I keep looking for my higher power to lead me and guide me to his will I will be ok.

Just one last thought: Try to be more understanding of people's feelings. You might not feel the same way in the situation, but that doesn't mean their feelings are wrong. They might not be trying to transfer their feelings onto you, but are just trying to explain. I think if we all try to listen with our hearts instead of hear with our ears, people might actually get to a place of understanding. (I need to work on this as well.)