Procrastination and powerlessness

Well here it is Thursday night. I am so totally not doing what I am supposed to be doing?

What am I supposed to be doing you ask? I am supposed to be working on my 4^th step, trying to get it finished after working on it since September. Yea, so not doing that!

What am I doing instead? Well I started typing up my first step so that I can have it on my computer. This turns out to be ok, because I have thought about powerlessness again. This is something that I don’t think about on a daily basis and I should.

Which now I have to blog about J

I am powerless over my whole life. The only thing I am not powerless over is myself, my actions, my thoughts, my words, and my reactions to other people. I can only control what I say or do, I cannot control  what others' do or how they perceive my words, sometimes people read into things I say that are not there. As much as I am a people pleaser and want to explain until I am blue in the face and apologize, sometimes no matter what I say they are not going to change their mind. That is just something I have to accept. I can only do so much. I am not perfect neither is anyone else. Something else I need to accept. Those are hard things to accept. I just need to keep working on me and hope that at some point these things become easier to accept.

Now hopefully I can quit procrastinating and get to my step 4…well it’s the thought that counts right?

Life changes :)

Hi guys, hope everyone’s 2013 is going great so far. Mine? Has been full of ups and downs so far, but to be honest even the downs have not been horribly bad.

So, in this coming year there are going to be a lot of life changes. Many that I don’t want to discuss, right now. But one I would like to talk about is my dream.

A friend and I have decided that we are going to start our own business. It has been something that I have wanted to do for a while. But with Kelli, work, and other life stuff I really have not had a lot of time to commit to this dream. But with this friend we will be able to make it together.

We are going to start small and out of our homes but hope to soon grow into a store. Just need to get clientele in this economy. I have faith.

So what is the business? We are starting our own cake business. It is something we are both passionate about. So if you need a cake, cupcakes, etc. let me know J

This is a very exciting time for me, although I know I will be very busy adding this into my life it is something that can make my life.

Dreams are something that not a lot of people have in the grip of their addiction. I know for me dreams were not something I gave a lot of thought to. I didn’t think that I would be able to do anything with my life other than what I was doing.

I don’t want to live without living anymore. I am taking this opportunity and running with it. If it works out that would be amazing and more than I have ever done in my life, if it doesn’t work out than you know what at least I tried and gave it my all.

Have a great week!

Beliefs and Joys Replaced

“It’s a strange event in life when you come to realize that the beliefs and joys you hold so dear are also the ones that mean to destroy you”

 

This is a quote out of the book I am currently reading, East of Paradise, West of Ego by; Mark Walliser. This is a book about addiction and recovery, although I am not even half way through it I am really enjoying this book and finding myself relating to this story.

The above quote just stood out to me, as well as many others in the book, but this one more so.

When I first went to prison I was completely in denial that I had a problem or that I couldn’t control it. My beliefs in my active addiction were simple, I believed that what I was doing was normal and this is the only way that I could live my life without having a mental breakdown or ending up in a mental institution.  I took joy in what I was doing; getting high and not having to answer to anyone or have any responsibilities.

After finding out that I had a problem, as if it had even been a secret from myself, and that it was destroying my life and that me and my addiction, not anyone else, had landed me in prison was devastating. The only thing I can compare it to at this point is being 5 years old and your parents telling you that Santa Clause doesn’t exist.

I realize this might sound silly to some, but it is how I felt at that time. I know now that the realization that I made in prison saved my life. If I had not come to that realization I would hate to think about where I would be right now in my life. But that doesn’t matter. I am here, where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be at this moment.

There are times that I hate being an addict but then there are times that I love being a recovering addict. I have found out so much about myself that I am not sure I would have any other way.

In my recovery my old beliefs and joys have been replaced with new ones, more healthy ones and I am so happy that I am here and have experienced what I have!

Sometimes I, as a recovering addict look at life right at this moment and think “I should be so much further along” but then there are days that I look back at my past and thank God I have come so far in such a short time.

Life isn’t easy, we sometimes do not get the answers we want, and we have no idea what the future holds. But as a recovering addict we should see that we are so much better off than we were.

As the saying goes: “My worst day sober is way better than my best day high”

Acceptance

Hi guys, I know that I said that I would be better about posting once a week, but as you can see that really hasn’t happened. I’m sorry. Life has been kind of crazy with the holidays. But it’s a new year and I have made (for a lack of a better word) resolutions.

So, I went to a meeting tonight, which is our stick-candlelight meeting. Each person picks a stick and then they talk about whatever is on that stick. Tonight I got happiness, but that’s not really what I want to talk about.

A member drew out acceptance, which is hard for people. These last two or so weeks I have been having a hard time with acceptance.

On the 20^th my car was totaled (everyone was fine just not the car). Instead of just turning it over to my higher power I freaked out, got depressed, and just went into a bad place. I stayed sober but I was not in a good frame of mind. It took me awhile to get back to myself, and that only happened when I turned it over to my higher power and accepted that things happen and there was nothing I could do about it at this time. I also had to realize that it was just a car, they can be replace (which I do have a new car now) but thankfully no one was hurt, because life is not replaceable.

I was good…until tonight. People have comfort zones, places where they feel safe and secure. We all like to stay in them but sometimes we are pushed out.

I am the quarterback in my life (sorry I’m watching the packers game, they won…boo) when I get the ball I like to stay in my pocket until I am comfortable to throw the ball. Sometimes things happen and it starts putting pressure on me and forces me out of my pocket, sometimes things work out well and I throw the ball to the receiver and there is a touchdown. Other times life forces me out of my pocket and sacks me; those are the times when I get hurt.

The times that I am sacked are the times that I am not ready to be forced out of my comfort zone. Let me say that nobody is ever ready to be pushed out but there are times that you need to be to see that everything will be fine. Than there are times when it is not the time or good for you to be forced out.

Tonight I got sacked and it hurt, to be honest I am still hurting, my stomach is still in knots, I feel like I am going to throw up as well as cry and totally did not do to the best of my abilities what I made a commitment to do.  I feel like crap. I feel like a failure.

But right now I have to give it up to my higher power, and accept that it has happened and there is nothing that can be done about it. I have to pray. And as a member said in the meeting tonight; we have to accept that we cannot control other people or other things, the only things we can control is what we do and say.

So now I have to accept that tonight has happened already, it is in the past, there is nothing I can do about it.

I have already talked to my sponsor which helped greatly but I know that my higher power as I understand him is right here waiting for me to surrender this to him and  to have complete faith that he will take it from me and help me, he does not care how small or stupid it seems to us or anyone else. He accepts me completely

Acceptance is a great thing and an even greater thing when you finally get it.

Just writing it out has helped me.

I hope that everyone’s Christmas and New Year’s was great!