Ok, I know that I haven't posted in awhile. I am having a hard time balancing everything, I promise that I will be back shortly when I get it all figured out. BUT in the mean time Josh has came to the rescue and written a post. :)
Thank you Josh.
Addicts know how to beat themselves up. In my active addiction and even into my recovery, I've been able to put myself down and hurt myself more than anyone else could ever do to me. This is part of addiction.
Our addiction loves to put us down anyway it can to make us feel bad enough to want to "escape" again. One of the main things vital to sustained recovery is learning to accept and love ourselves. Any twelve step program lays down a guide map to show us how to start doing this. By going to meetings, getting a sponsor and reading literature; we allow ourselves to be shown how to forgive and start loving ourselves.
I had to admit that I didn't know how to live, I didn't know how to forgive or love myself. By first admitting these things, I've allowed myself the opportunity to be shown by others who have been in the exact same position as me. I've become open-minded to the fact that I do not have all of the answers; thus, if I'm willing to listen, to learn how others have changed. I'm the only one who allows my past and feelings to cripple myself. I have to realize that I am not defined by my past, but who I am and what I'm trying to be today. And there are so many people out there in recovery who are more than willing to freely share with me what has worked for them.
I don't just want to be clean; I want a life of recovery full of peace, joy, and serenity. The only way I've learned to get this, is by getting away from what I (Josh) wants, and my way of living. My way and my best ideas got me to self-destruction, jail, pain and many other negative things. Today, I have the choice; and I choose to find a way to live a life full of love, compassion, and peace.
I know that God (my personal Higher Power) has a plan for me, and I just have to trust in where he leads me. My plan was to never forgive myself, and destroy my life and hurt many others because of my addiction. Today I have a choice. I'm not who I was in my active addiction, and I'm not the person today that did all of those things in my past. I'm learning how to change and become the person my God wants me to be; I just have to keep learning from others in recovery and keep it simple.
Today is all that matters, I can accept myself for who I am today.