I just read...

We often stay in denial because we'd rather not experience all our feelings or face the painful truth about ourselves.

Step 4, back to 1.

After months of putting this off, last night I have finally started step 4. Although I am doing it on my own I don’t recommended that at all. I should probably be doing it with my sponsor, and I will probably end up doing it with her.

I will be honest I am scared of this step. It’s not something that I want to do and I was dragging my feet doing it and am still dragging my feet.

Though-out prison, Recovery Lighthouse, and NA I have always heard the saying “step 1, 2, 3, use.” Meaning you complete your 1-3^rd steps and when you go onto your 4^th step that is when you are more likely to relapse. That scares me, I guess it should.

Ok, so before I started typing this up I texted my sponsor, “I need to do some step work.”

I have done steps 1-3, but on my own.

My sponsor called and we have set up a date to get together. So I am starting over, I am going to “re-do” step 1 with her.

This is actually kind of bittersweet for me. I am relieved because it gives me more time before step 4. But at the same time I just want to get step 4 over with.

I am not exactly sure when I stopped being so recovery gung-ho, but it happened. I need to get back to where I was. I need to feel good about myself again, on the inside as well as the outside.

I need to change things! I need to change myself!

You are special!

A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it...?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, YOU are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special-Don't EVER forget it."

A friend of mine put that on facebook. I for one love it.

As a addict there are times that you feel worthless, cracked, unlovable and "dirty".

But we are not, we have the tools to get clean and live a better way of life. Just because our past decisions were not good ones does not make our lives any less valuable.

I have learned from my life back then, if it wasn't for the bad that I went though I could not enjoy the today that I have that is so much better.

People are going to judge you, people are going to criticize your way of life, people are going to say that you are worthless and put you down for being an addict (or whatever you are) but it is up to you to believe it or not. It is up to you to rise above what they think and show them who you are.

You are special and priceless. The valve of your life does not decrease if you don't let it.