But after a lot of praying I feel the only way that I am
going to get better is to let it all out.
A couple of weeks ago the love of my life relapsed. I do
have to say, I have never been on this side of addiction, I have always been
the one doing it to my family and friends. So being on this side is foreign and
new to me. I am not sure exactly how to
react. I feel awkward and lost.
I have went through
the feelings of anger, I am no longer angry at him; I know how hard it is to live
life on life’s terms being an addict. I know how quickly relapse can happen on
this side of the fence. Since this has happened I feel like at any moment I
could fall. But I have a program that I am working right now that is helping me
stay clean. There is no shame in relapse what so ever, the shame is in not
coming back.
I have gone through the feelings of guilt. If I would have
just done this or that, if I would have kept my mouth shut, if I would have
made things easier on him, etc. He would not have relapsed. For a long time I
felt like I caused this, but I have worked through it. It doesn’t matter what I
did or didn’t do. He made his choices and that didn’t have anything to do with
me. I have to remember that. Just like if I were to be the one that relapsed it
would not have been anyone’s fault but my own. Now with that being said, I made
mistakes in our relationship; I am not saying that I am a victim because I am
not. I made choices that might not have been the best for us, mainly because I
act on my emotions before thinking, which is something that I have to deal with
and work on.
Now I am onto acceptance. This has happened. I have to deal
with it. My life can’t be put on hold, I have kids that I need to take care of
and I have myself that needs to be dealt with.
He is an amazing guy, he is an awesome dad, and the insight
he had into life and will get back was always inspirational. I know that he is
going through a tough time right now, I don’t even want to imagine what he is
feeling, but I know who is he and I know who he can become again, he just has
to find that for himself.
I know what my job is now; it is to take care of my family.
I can’t worry about anyone else; because when I do it is my kids who suffer.
After a lot of praying last night I woke up with a smile on
my face. For the first time in over a month I feel like I am going to be ok. I
have a great job, 3 amazing kids, friends and family that love me and have my
back, a program that helps me stay clean, and the most important a God that
will never turn his back on me! It might be stressful at times but I know I can
do this! It might be stressful right now but that will pass. I love me and I
love my life and I will start making choices that reflect that! We choose to be
happy not our circumstances. So today, no matter what is going on, I choose to
be happy!
I pray for him and other addicts out there, as well as their
families. I will always love him and will be here for him if he needs someone
to talk to. I have no idea what the future will hold, but all I know is that
right now, just for today, I have to take care of myself! And I am ok with
that.
On October 4th I will have 4 years, and I will
celebrate it! I was dreading it, because I felt that if anyone should have
relapsed it should have been me. BUT I can’t do that anymore. I worked hard to
get to 4 years. I lost myself in active addiction, found me again when I got
clean, and because of choices I made I lost myself again, Today starts a search
for my old self. Today is a new beginning for me and my family. Today is the
only day that I will worry about.
