Vigilance
That was the topic of last night’s Narcotics Anonymous
meeting. As this new year starts I feel that for me this is a good topic.
I have slacked in the vigilance department in all areas of
my life. My physical health, my spirituality, my mental health, and my day to
day life.
I have known this for a while. But knowing and doing are two
different things. This year I need to do something about it. I have life
goals…I do not have resolutions. I don’t really like resolutions…I feel like
when I hear the words resolution they are set up for failure. At least in my
life. But I degrees.
Why does it matter if I am vigilant or not? In all areas of
my life if I am not vigilant I will lose it.
My mental health for a lack of a better way has been
horrible. In September I tried to take my life…thankfully the cops were called
and they found me just in time. I don’t say this for sympathy or pity. I say
this because I neglected myself. I gave everything I had to everyone else with
nothing left over for myself (there were other things going on obviously but
for the most part this was the reason). This year I plan to take time for
myself, it is not something that I would like to do, it is something that I
have to do.
My physical health is not much better than my mental health.
I have gained so much weight that I am just not comfortable in my own skin
anymore. It has nothing to do with the number on the scale, because honestly I
just don’t care what that number says. I just want to feel comfortable. I need
to feel comfortable.
My spirituality could be better, and actually it’s just as
bad as my mental health and physical health. I have not been going to church
nor have I been doing my daily readings that I used to do.
And my day to day life is just as bad. I become obsessive
about little things and have so many to do list that it’s not even funny. In
this I forget about my little things going on at home.
So these are things that I am going to be vigilant about
through-out the year.
Hi Brandi, long time no "see". I follow you on FB but decided to check out your blog today and am amazed by what you wrote because its so close to how I feel about my own life right now (even the gaining weight part). I'm going to use your word, Vigilance, for the theme of my 2016. Reading this helped me...but the part about you almost taking your life scares me. I've been there too but it always gets better. The only ones who can help us is ourselves, and for me (and I think maybe you too?) we are constantly giving, giving, giving to others. We KNOW we need to take care of ourselves first, but its so much easier said than done. I'm here for you, girl. If you need a reminder of why you're such an amazing person let me know. You have so much on your plate, its no wonder you get overwhelmed. You have accomplished the hardest thing ever - staying clean & sober - that makes you one of my heroes.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Barbara! You have so much on your plate! I follow you on FB too and I know you work, are in school, parent 3 kids. It's a lot!! I'm so sorry to hear that you felt so hopeless....that breaks my heart for you. Please please do focus on your own well being because YOU are so worth it. You have conquered so much, please give yourself credit for all you do and all that you have accomplished. I am working on many of the same things you are....healthy food choices, spiritually nurturing myself and my own emotional well being. Maybe we could all keep in touch and do it together. ❤️
ReplyDeleteBrandi we should talk hon. I'm constantly amazed by all you are doing, but it just goes to show that it's really easy to keep the darker stuff to ourselves on Facebook.
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