New Year Resolution or Just for Today?

New Year’s resolutions. For many years, I thought that you had to make a resolution and stick with it, and if you failed that was it. Not until this New Year’s Eve, when I put my son to bed at 11:45pm and watching the ball drop and ringing the New Year end by myself. When I realized what the New Year is about.

Yes, I was alone on the couch, but I wasn’t lonely. I was happy. I was content. I was feeling good. At that point in time I thought about 2016, how much my life has changed this year and even in the past couple of months. Some good, some not so good, and some needed.

At this moment, I thought about all my character defects;

• ·         Anger-2016 has been a year of anger for me. Anger at big things, at little things, at people, and of course more than anything else, at myself. I hated being angry but it just happened. I knew that I didn’t have to be but it was just an overwhelming feeling that I didn’t know how to get rid of it.
• ·         Hate-Which comes with anger. I found myself hating people, hating what people were doing to me, hating myself, and my life.
• ·         Arrogance-When I had arrogance, I mean I had an entitlement issue, that I shouldn’t be treated this way. Why would someone do this. I wouldn’t do this.
• ·         Judgement-Which comes with arrogance. Judging how people do things. As thinking about this I realize that I had been doing that because I was being judged valuably for so long, so for me to make myself feel better I would judge others.
• ·         Closed-Mindedness- Not listening to other’s points of view. Being closed to what other’s think. But mostly this applied to me being closed-minded to my own thoughts, that they were wrong and my thoughts were “crazy”.
• ·         Dependency- On others and what other’s think. Dependent on all the wrong things.
• ·         Dishonesty-This applies to my dishonest with others and myself.
• ·         Controlling- In 2016 I felt very out of control, so I would try to control other situations to help feel in control.
• ·         Fear-I had fear over everything. I did not feel safe anywhere, my anxiety was so high. No matter where I was, who I was with, or what I was doing my anxiety was out of this world. I did not feel that I had a safe place. I felt fear that everything I was doing was wrong.
• ·         Greed-It didn’t matter what it was I needed more. Not things or money, I didn’t care about that. But time, people, love, etc. I needed more. I think this goes back to fear, I feel I was scared that it would be gone.
• ·         Rationalization-I would rationalization everything, to make me feel better, to make things easier to take. Mainly when it came to me. Oh, it’s ok that they treated me that I deserved it because I did this or I thought this.
• ·         Gossiping-I did this about anything, anyone. But I would rationalize this by saying that I am venting. I just need to talk to someone, if I don’t I will explode. But it hurt other people and myself.
• ·         Self-centeredness- This goes back to gossiping, I needed to vent, I needed someone to understand me, I needed I needed I needed.
• ·         Validation-Which goes back to Self-centeredness and gossiping. I needed people to validate that I had a reason to be upset. That I was good enough, because I have been hearing that I wasn’t. Looking for validation in all the wrong places.
• ·         Jealousy- These seem to go all together. I was jealous of people having it all together. Comparing people’s outsides to my inside’s. Feeling that people were doing right and they didn’t need validation. 
• ·         Intolerance-I had intolerance for people. Which goes back to anger. I was angry with myself and intolerant of people that needed my time. I was intolerant of myself and the things I was going through. I was intolerant of people who tried to help me, who tried to help me see, who would even talk to me.
• ·         Resentment-I had many resentments, coming from all the above character defects. I think the most difficult I have are the resentments against myself.
• ·         Perfectionist-I have a huge problem with this, I want everything to be perfect, I want everything just so. I want me and everyone around me to be perfect. Which leads to my resentment to myself and others.
• ·         Procrastination- “Well I won’t be able to do it perfect, so I am not going to do it now.” I procrastinated so many things.
• ·         Impatience-I procrastinate stuff until I become impatient because it’s not done. I have been impatient with A LOT of people this year, including myself.

Which brings me to my last character defect;

• ·         Self-pity-Combining all those character defect into one bowl makes a pretty good self-pity mess. And I would dwell in my self-pity many times through-out 2016.

Why would I write out and go over those defects in the new year? Especially since I am starting a new year. Why now?

Because I need to know that I am human and that there is no New Year resolution there is just for today.

I want to be a better person. I do not want to act out on my character defects.

I am a huge believer that 2017 is the year of spirituality. This is the year for me to get in contact with my higher power with me, who I am supposed to be and who I am growing into.

I say all this to say that the past 4 days of this year already it has been amazing. Spending it with my kids, family, church, God, and work. I have felt more balanced, loved, wanted, and accepted by myself.

But on the flip side of that, I have already messed up. My character defects have come out. I have felt fear and impatience with on aspect of my life. I have looked for validation with a situation that I was feeling a certain way about. I gossiped. I tried to control a situation that popped up just one the first day of the year. I have already been dishonest with myself. I have judged someone. And then became angry with myself.

BUT I did not stay stuck in them. When I got scared and impatient, after gossiping about it, I pray and asked God to take it from me, and prayed about the gossiping. When I noticed that I was looking for notification on the situation, I stop and prayed. When I realized that I was trying to control a situation, I surrender that situation to God. When I started being dishonest with myself, I prayed for the ability to be easy on myself, and to tell myself the truth. When I judged someone, I asked for forgiveness. And when I got angry with myself because I already messed up, I gave myself compassion and the knowledge that I am human.

I am not going to make a New Year’s resolution, because in my mind, it would already be ruined and it would be over.

I need to work on just for today. I need to realization that I am not perfect and I am going to make mistakes. I am going to hurt myself and others. It’s what I learned from it.

2016 I learned A LOT! I learned more than I probably wanted to, but I learned it no the less. Now I must apply the knowledge and that is what I am learning to do.

I would like to say that 2017 is the year that I am going to do that. But I can’t, but what I will tell you is that Just for Today I am going to apply what I learned today!

Lesson I learned today

Today was horrible mentally for me...I ate everything in sight. I did wake up at 5:30 this morning and read my readings. But other than that everything else I did not do! Mentally this was a hard day.

At about 3 this afternoon I felt gross, horrible, and disgusted with myself. So I took a nap...which brings me to my lesson today:

I can start over at any point!

I have learned this throughout my years in NA but I have honestly never applied it to my life. Thankfully I did today. I woke up from my nap, remember this and started making better choices. I was going to work out after I posted something on Facebook, but wanted to blog before I forgot ( I have a horrible memory).

So my lesson for today; no matter how you feel, no matter what is going on, no matter what...YOU and I can start our day over at any point!

Thank God for that!

Vigilance

Vigilance

That was the topic of last night’s Narcotics Anonymous meeting. As this new year starts I feel that for me this is a good topic.

I have slacked in the vigilance department in all areas of my life. My physical health, my spirituality, my mental health, and my day to day life.

I have known this for a while. But knowing and doing are two different things. This year I need to do something about it. I have life goals…I do not have resolutions. I don’t really like resolutions…I feel like when I hear the words resolution they are set up for failure. At least in my life. But I degrees.

Why does it matter if I am vigilant or not? In all areas of my life if I am not vigilant I will lose it.

My mental health for a lack of a better way has been horrible. In September I tried to take my life…thankfully the cops were called and they found me just in time. I don’t say this for sympathy or pity. I say this because I neglected myself. I gave everything I had to everyone else with nothing left over for myself (there were other things going on obviously but for the most part this was the reason). This year I plan to take time for myself, it is not something that I would like to do, it is something that I have to do.

My physical health is not much better than my mental health. I have gained so much weight that I am just not comfortable in my own skin anymore. It has nothing to do with the number on the scale, because honestly I just don’t care what that number says. I just want to feel comfortable. I need to feel comfortable.

My spirituality could be better, and actually it’s just as bad as my mental health and physical health. I have not been going to church nor have I been doing my daily readings that I used to do.

And my day to day life is just as bad. I become obsessive about little things and have so many to do list that it’s not even funny. In this I forget about my little things going on at home.

So these are things that I am going to be vigilant about through-out the year. 

Walking the way we talk

From the Just For Today Daily Meditation: Walking the way we talk

Page 369

"Words mean nothing until we put them into action."

Basic Text, p.58

The Twelfth Step reminds us "to practice these principles in all our affairs." In NA,  we see living examples of this suggestion all around us. The more experienced members, who seem to have an aura of peace surrounding them, demonstrate the rewards of applying  this bit of wisdom in their lives. To receive the rewards of the Twelfth Step, it is vital that we practice the spiritual principles of recovery even when no one is looking. If we talk about recovery at meetings but continue to live as we did in active addiction, our fellow members may suspect that we are doing nothing more than quoting bumper stickers. What we pass on to newer members comes more from how we live than what we say. If we advise  someone to "turn it over" without having experienced the miracle of the Third Step, chances are the message will fail to reach the ears of the newcomer for whom it's intended. On the other hand, if we  "walk what we talk" and share our genuine experience in recovery, the message will surely be evident to all.

Just for Today: I will practice the principles of recovery, even when I'm the only one who knows. When I first started going to meetings, sometimes, it was hard for me to figure out if people were really living what the said. I was still at that in between stages of not trusting anyone and being so vulnerable I trusted everyone. When I speak at meeting I try to be as honest as I can when it comes to walking and talking. Sometimes how I want things to be and how things actually are might be different. But I still try to walk the talk. At this point I have a few 24 hours put together and sometimes it is obvious that people are not living what they are speaking in the meetings. But can I still learn from them? Yes. I can still learn from what they say, I can still learn how I want to live my life from them. I can even learn how I don’t want to live my life. For example the other day I heard someone state “I know so much about this program that I get in my own way.” My first thought was “I don’t ever want to say I know so much about this program.” I feel if I think I know so much about the program I become unteachable, unwilling, and dishonest, and those are just my feelings. Every time that I go to a meeting I try to learn a new thing; rather it’s something that I didn’t know before or a new way to look at something I have known since the beginning. It also helps that I have a support group who is there at any time that I can bounce ideas off of and who will BLUNTLY point out anything that I need to change. Just for today: I will become more aware of walking the talk.

NA slogans do we need them or are they just silly?

When I first started Recovery I thought the slogans that NA used were just silly and did not pertain to anything, they were just cliche.

As I have spent more time in Recovery and day-to-day life I realize that those slogans came about for a reason, they are true. 

The one that I have struggled with the most is "what worked in the beginning of your recovery will work throughout your recovery." 

Lately, well for the last year and a half, I have been struggling not only in my recovery but at life in general.

A couple of days ago somebody said in a meeting "what worked in the beginning of your recovery will work throughout your recovery". 

So I sat down and I wrote a list of things that I had done in the beginning of my Recovery:

1) Meetings
2)Talked to Sponsor on a daily basis.
3)Working the steps
4)Worked
5)Church
6)Bible Study
7)Get up early every morning and read the daily devotionals.
8)Bettered my relationship with Kelli
9)Took care of my relationship with my higherpower

But what am i doing now?

1)Meetings
2)Work
3)Take care of my family

And that's about it.

I'm not doing anything else for my Recovery that I did in the beginning so it's no wonder that I am having a hard time. 

So what is keeping me from doing all the stuff that I did? I'm too busy I say, I have to go to work and take care of the kids, and meetings, and school and all the day-to-day life that comes about. 

But I seen on Facebook the other day "it doesn't matter if you're busy, you will take time out for what really matters to you". 

So does my recovery really matter to me? The answer is absolutely, without my Recovery I would not have my family, I would not have a job, I would not be able to go to school,  and I would not be able to live.

So again what is keeping me from doing these things? The answer is me. I am stepping in the way of my own life and my own recovery.

Is it true that I have a lot of stuff going on? Absolutely. 

Is it true that my life is very stressful? Yes, but it is also true that I would not change anything about my life other than how I look at it.

I love my kids, I love my significant other, I love my home group, I love my job, and I even love school. 

So just for today I will step out of my own way and be the woman that I was in the beginning of my recovery.

New year, new me?!

Not for me, not this year. Honestly it feels like the same me I have been for the last 4 years. Which, mind you, I am not complaining! The me that I have been for the past 4 years is way better than the person I was for 12 years before. But I have to be honest. I am getting bored, yet so busy I am exhausted. I work full time; go to school full time, and a full time mom. I love it; please don’t get me wrong, I really do love it. I am just struggling I guess.

New Year’s Eve was hard. I spent it with my kids and Josh. It was wonderful, I honestly could not have asked for a better one. But there were those thoughts in my mind that it would have been nice to go out and have fun and drink. Drinking…that’s where my thoughts ran. Addiction is hard. Addiction is cunning. Addiction sucks.

Honestly I think I know what the problem is. Feelings, I am very good at stuffing feelings, pretending stuff doesn't happen and then it comes up to bite me. Uggg after 4 years of being clean you would think I could cope with feelings better. At least I can recognize my issues still, right?

Secrets keep us sick. So I share. I have to share. No matter how angry I get at myself. Nor how angry anyone else gets at me. I have to share.

2015 is going to be great, because I am going to make it so. I hope everyone’s year goes smooth as well. 

The hardest post I have had to write

But after a lot of praying I feel the only way that I am going to get better is to let it all out.

A couple of weeks ago the love of my life relapsed. I do have to say, I have never been on this side of addiction, I have always been the one doing it to my family and friends. So being on this side is foreign and new to me.  I am not sure exactly how to react. I feel awkward and lost.

 I have went through the feelings of anger, I am no longer angry at him; I know how hard it is to live life on life’s terms being an addict. I know how quickly relapse can happen on this side of the fence. Since this has happened I feel like at any moment I could fall. But I have a program that I am working right now that is helping me stay clean. There is no shame in relapse what so ever, the shame is in not coming back.

I have gone through the feelings of guilt. If I would have just done this or that, if I would have kept my mouth shut, if I would have made things easier on him, etc. He would not have relapsed. For a long time I felt like I caused this, but I have worked through it. It doesn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. He made his choices and that didn’t have anything to do with me. I have to remember that. Just like if I were to be the one that relapsed it would not have been anyone’s fault but my own. Now with that being said, I made mistakes in our relationship; I am not saying that I am a victim because I am not. I made choices that might not have been the best for us, mainly because I act on my emotions before thinking, which is something that I have to deal with and work on.

Now I am onto acceptance. This has happened. I have to deal with it. My life can’t be put on hold, I have kids that I need to take care of and I have myself that needs to be dealt with.

He is an amazing guy, he is an awesome dad, and the insight he had into life and will get back was always inspirational. I know that he is going through a tough time right now, I don’t even want to imagine what he is feeling, but I know who is he and I know who he can become again, he just has to find that for himself.

I know what my job is now; it is to take care of my family. I can’t worry about anyone else; because when I do it is my kids who suffer.

After a lot of praying last night I woke up with a smile on my face. For the first time in over a month I feel like I am going to be ok. I have a great job, 3 amazing kids, friends and family that love me and have my back, a program that helps me stay clean, and the most important a God that will never turn his back on me! It might be stressful at times but I know I can do this! It might be stressful right now but that will pass. I love me and I love my life and I will start making choices that reflect that! We choose to be happy not our circumstances. So today, no matter what is going on, I choose to be happy!

I pray for him and other addicts out there, as well as their families. I will always love him and will be here for him if he needs someone to talk to. I have no idea what the future will hold, but all I know is that right now, just for today, I have to take care of myself! And I am ok with that.

On October 4^th I will have 4 years, and I will celebrate it! I was dreading it, because I felt that if anyone should have relapsed it should have been me. BUT I can’t do that anymore. I worked hard to get to 4 years. I lost myself in active addiction, found me again when I got clean, and because of choices I made I lost myself again, Today starts a search for my old self. Today is a new beginning for me and my family. Today is the only day that I will worry about.