New year, new me?!

Not for me, not this year. Honestly it feels like the same me I have been for the last 4 years. Which, mind you, I am not complaining! The me that I have been for the past 4 years is way better than the person I was for 12 years before. But I have to be honest. I am getting bored, yet so busy I am exhausted. I work full time; go to school full time, and a full time mom. I love it; please don’t get me wrong, I really do love it. I am just struggling I guess.

New Year’s Eve was hard. I spent it with my kids and Josh. It was wonderful, I honestly could not have asked for a better one. But there were those thoughts in my mind that it would have been nice to go out and have fun and drink. Drinking…that’s where my thoughts ran. Addiction is hard. Addiction is cunning. Addiction sucks.

Honestly I think I know what the problem is. Feelings, I am very good at stuffing feelings, pretending stuff doesn't happen and then it comes up to bite me. Uggg after 4 years of being clean you would think I could cope with feelings better. At least I can recognize my issues still, right?

Secrets keep us sick. So I share. I have to share. No matter how angry I get at myself. Nor how angry anyone else gets at me. I have to share.

2015 is going to be great, because I am going to make it so. I hope everyone’s year goes smooth as well. 

The hardest post I have had to write

But after a lot of praying I feel the only way that I am going to get better is to let it all out.

A couple of weeks ago the love of my life relapsed. I do have to say, I have never been on this side of addiction, I have always been the one doing it to my family and friends. So being on this side is foreign and new to me.  I am not sure exactly how to react. I feel awkward and lost.

 I have went through the feelings of anger, I am no longer angry at him; I know how hard it is to live life on life’s terms being an addict. I know how quickly relapse can happen on this side of the fence. Since this has happened I feel like at any moment I could fall. But I have a program that I am working right now that is helping me stay clean. There is no shame in relapse what so ever, the shame is in not coming back.

I have gone through the feelings of guilt. If I would have just done this or that, if I would have kept my mouth shut, if I would have made things easier on him, etc. He would not have relapsed. For a long time I felt like I caused this, but I have worked through it. It doesn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. He made his choices and that didn’t have anything to do with me. I have to remember that. Just like if I were to be the one that relapsed it would not have been anyone’s fault but my own. Now with that being said, I made mistakes in our relationship; I am not saying that I am a victim because I am not. I made choices that might not have been the best for us, mainly because I act on my emotions before thinking, which is something that I have to deal with and work on.

Now I am onto acceptance. This has happened. I have to deal with it. My life can’t be put on hold, I have kids that I need to take care of and I have myself that needs to be dealt with.

He is an amazing guy, he is an awesome dad, and the insight he had into life and will get back was always inspirational. I know that he is going through a tough time right now, I don’t even want to imagine what he is feeling, but I know who is he and I know who he can become again, he just has to find that for himself.

I know what my job is now; it is to take care of my family. I can’t worry about anyone else; because when I do it is my kids who suffer.

After a lot of praying last night I woke up with a smile on my face. For the first time in over a month I feel like I am going to be ok. I have a great job, 3 amazing kids, friends and family that love me and have my back, a program that helps me stay clean, and the most important a God that will never turn his back on me! It might be stressful at times but I know I can do this! It might be stressful right now but that will pass. I love me and I love my life and I will start making choices that reflect that! We choose to be happy not our circumstances. So today, no matter what is going on, I choose to be happy!

I pray for him and other addicts out there, as well as their families. I will always love him and will be here for him if he needs someone to talk to. I have no idea what the future will hold, but all I know is that right now, just for today, I have to take care of myself! And I am ok with that.

On October 4^th I will have 4 years, and I will celebrate it! I was dreading it, because I felt that if anyone should have relapsed it should have been me. BUT I can’t do that anymore. I worked hard to get to 4 years. I lost myself in active addiction, found me again when I got clean, and because of choices I made I lost myself again, Today starts a search for my old self. Today is a new beginning for me and my family. Today is the only day that I will worry about.

It's been a year?!?

Hello everyone! I was talking to a POA today and realize that it has been a VERY long time since I have posted anything, like over a year!!!! I’m Sorry! I am not even sure anyone will read this…but since it has been over a year I figured I would give you guys an update! Lots has happened!

First and foremost…I am still clean! Over 3 years and 9 months!

Josh and I had our son in September! 

He is now 10 months old! He has been saying da da da but last night he said ma ma ma for the first time!! Also last night he took a couple of steps!!! He is not so little anymore!

Kelli will be starting the 3rd grade and my step-daughter will be starting the 6th grade. Man they grow up so fast :'(

I am now working full time as a recovery coach at a women's house. I love my job and am so very grateful to be working with women starting their journey to recovery. It helps me in my recovery as well.

Hopefully I can get back on a schedule and starting writing regular post! That would make me happy, it was something that I enjoyed very much!

From my family to yours...I pray all is well!

Just a quick update!

Hey guys sorry it has been so long. We all have been very busy. This weekend Josh and I finally got moved into our new house, it was a rough start to the moving process but we got it. This coming weekend we still need to get some more stuff from Josh's house but it will be all over with soon.

The bun in the oven is still growing and man can I tell that...he (We found out we are having a boy!!!!!!!) has been playing hacky sack with my insides!!!!

Kelli loves the new house! So does Josh's daughter!!!! And for that fact so do Josh and I.

As soon as we get the house organized and things clam down I am going to try VERY hard to figure out a schedule and hopefully I will start posting more. (I know, I know, I have said that before! But I am really going to try hard this time lol)

I hope everyone is doing well and everything is going great!

Destiny?

One meets his destiny often on the road one takes to avoid it-French Proverb

 

I read this quote this morning and it made me think.

I don’t think that anyone ever woke up one day and said “I’m going to become an addict, just for giggles and grins.” Well at least I never did. But we end up there somehow…how did it get this bad, how did we end up here? I am not sure, I still remember waking up in jail asking these questions.

But, with that said, I do believe that addiction led me to the life I am supposed to have. Addiction is not something to take lightly, addiction is death for us. BUT the good news is that it doesn’t have to be death! We can find a new way to live. We have hope in recovery each and every day.

If I wasn’t an addict, would my life be better? Looking back now I really don’t think so. It took a VERY rough road to get me where I am today but it was my destiny. I believe that every day. It is hard and sometimes I have to find the good in day to day life. But the fact is, if I did not go through my active addiction, I would not have all that I have today; My family, my daughter, my boyfriend, my friends, and a new baby on the way.

I am truly thankful for my life, past and present.

Staying clean and serene no matter what!

The only thing consistent in life is change. Everything in life may be going great and the plan that you have is right on schedule, but then life throws you a curveball and everything changes. The plans that you once have seem impossible and you have no idea what you are going to do now. 

So what do you do? Ok, so right here I do not have the answers, I wish I did, but life has thrown me a curveball. This right now is the worst possible time to happen. But the one thing that I do know is that I have a choice. I can keep fighting, facing this time and rising above it and figuring out (with the help of my higher power) what to do next or I can go back to my old way of life. This does at times seem easier, to just run and hide and hope like heck that everything comes together how it’s supposed to.

But let’s face the facts; this is not how life works. Life is not easy it does not work out on its own. It takes work on our part.

I have a great support system that, with them, I know I can get through it. I will pray. I will figure out where to go from here. And most importantly I will not give up hope.

I hope that everyone is doing great and life is going good. But if it’s not right now remember it’s not the end of the world. This too shall pass!

Guarding our recovery

April 4

Guarding our recovery

 

“Remember that we... are ultimately responsible for our recovery and our decisions.” Basic Text, p. 103 ––––=–––– Most of us will face choices that challenge our recovery. If we find ourselves in extreme physical pain, for example, we will have to decide whether or not we will take medication. We will have to be very honest with ourselves about the severity of our pain, honest with our doctor about our addiction and our recovery, and honest with our sponsor. In the end, however, the decision is ours, for we are the ones who must live with the consequences. Another common challenge is the choice of attending a party where alcohol will be served. Again, we should consider our own spiritual state. If someone who supports our recovery can attend the event with us, so much the better. However, if we don’t feel up to such a challenge, we should probably decline the invitation. Today, we know that preserving our recovery is more important than saving face. All such decisions are tough ones, requiring not only our careful consideration but the guidance of our sponsor and complete surrender to a Higher Power. Using all of these resources, we make the best decision we can. Ultimately, however, the decision is ours. Today, we are responsible for our own recovery. ––––=–––– Just for today: When faced with a decision that may challenge my recovery, I will consult all the resources at my disposal before I make my choice.

http://www.jftna.org/jft