Feelings....

Today I am thankful for feelings.

There are times that I hate my feelings, this week has been a hard one for feelings. But I am thankful that I can feel them today and that I can deal with them head on. I might not deal with them in the easiest way, and when I try to explain them to someone they might not come out exactly how I want them to but I can do something about it today.

In my active addiction if a feeling came up I would go get high to cover it up. Today I don't have to do that. I know a better way.

But it is not easy, at least for me. My best friend told me the other day that she envy's the freedom I have for honesty. I can understand in the context that we were talking about why she would feel that way. But I don't, I hate that I told someone how I felt and now because of me opening my mouth I am hurting.

But I didn't know any other way to do it. I am new to this. Even though I have been clean 2 years, feelings are new to me. I really want to just shut them down and keep them hidden and put on my happy face "everything is fine".

But if I do that I will be hurting myself more. I can no longer keep things hidden from myself or anyone else. If I do, there will come a time that will no longer work and I will try to find something to get rid of the pain. I have been there, done that and do not want to do it again.

So I hurt this week, and I have tried to explain myself, I have tried to make things better. None of it worked. So what now? I don't know...all I know is that, for me, if I keep looking for my higher power to lead me and guide me to his will I will be ok.

Just one last thought: Try to be more understanding of people's feelings. You might not feel the same way in the situation, but that doesn't mean their feelings are wrong. They might not be trying to transfer their feelings onto you, but are just trying to explain. I think if we all try to listen with our hearts instead of hear with our ears, people might actually get to a place of understanding. (I need to work on this as well.)

Things to be thankful for are hard to find if you don’t want to look for them.

 I have been putting off the November thankful post because, well to be honest I have been in a “mood” lately, and just haven’t wanted to look. I have been isolating and just wanting to be by myself. BUT I know that with my addiction that can be a serious warning sign, for me at least.

So I am going to catch up on my thankful post today:

1: I am thankful for God. What he has done in my life so far is nothing short of a miracle.

2: I am thankful for my recovery and all the tools I have learned along the way. Without it I would not know what could and will bring me back to my using days.

3: I am thankful for my daughter. She is just like me and we butt heads often, but she is the light of my life and one of my reasons to keep trying every day.

4: I am thankful for my best friend, Debbie, without her support, love, and “friendly” pushing I am not sure that I would be where I am, nor as logical as I am today. And that says a lot because I am more of an emotional thinker then a logical one.

5: I am thankful for my sponsor who is there no matter what time and what silliness I bring to her.

6: I am thankful for a man who was in my life, although we are going through a rough patch right now, I really do hope it gets better. Without him I’m sure that I would be off in my own little world most the time, he bought me back to reality when I need to be. Although I feel like he lectures me more than he talks to me, sometimes that is what I need….but only sometimes.

7: I am very thankful to my mother. No matter the bad stuff that I have done she is always and will always be there for me. If I can be half the mom that she is then I will be doing well!

8: I am thankfully for my job; many people are without one right now and trying to figure out what to do. But these wonderfully people hired me knowing I had just gotten out of prison and that I have a felony. They are truly great people to work for and with, I could not have asked for more.

Self-sabotage

The dictionary definition of sabotage is “an act or process tending to hamper or hurt” or “deliberate subversion”

As an addict in recovery I can see where I self-sabotage sometimes on a daily basis. It is all subconscious but it is done all the same. My weight and my relationships are the two biggest issues that I have in self-sabotage.

With my weight I eat too much or not enough and don’t exercise, not because I don’t want to lose weight but that I am more comfortable “emotional” being a bigger person, I have a fear that if I lose weight people will look at me as if I am using again. I need to get over that and let myself know that it is ok that I lose weight, nobody will think I am using again and if they do who cares! I know I’m not!

Relationships are a totally different thing, I feel like it is a double edged sword. I have feelings just like everyone else, I am totally valid in the feelings I have…BUT I can’t seem to get past them. So now I sit here and wonder why? Is it because I can’t get past them or I don’t want to. If I get past them, I can move on to the future and be happy and have someone close to me. But when does close become too close for me? I can let people in but they only see what I want them to. Nobody, other than my best friend, is really close. There are those people that think they are and I try to let them, they even know stuff I wouldn’t want to tell anyone else, but is that close or is that giving them a little bit so they stay close enough until I figure things out?

I honestly don’t know, I know who and what I want in my life. It just seems that I am truly scared of it being there and being happy that I do what I can to screw it up. Do I like being happy? Yes. Do I think I deserve to be happy? No. And that is what bothers me. That is what I struggle with.

I know that if I was talking to my sponsor about this she would tell me to get though my fourth step so that I can leave everything behind and hopefully leave my self-sabotaging behaviors behind.

Nobody said that the sober life would be easy…but it is worth it.

I just have to figure things out and realize that I can’t do it on my own; I need the help of my group and my sponsor, as well as family and friends.

I hope that everyone had a great week and that you have an enjoyable weekend!

 

2 years and still learning

Hi everyone. Sorry I have not written in a while, I just have not been feeling creative or motivated by anything. To be honest if I could lie in bed and relax all day I would take it. I feel very busy and overwhelmed. BUT with that being said I am very grateful that I can today feel overwhelmed as well as other feelings.

Well on the 4^th of October I celebrated 2 years clean.  I cannot believe that it has been 2 years already. It seems to have flown by yet dragged at the same time. I am very grateful to have 2 years. My life now is so much better than it ever was when I was using. The healthy relationships that I have now are just amazing as well as actually being a productive member of society.

I am currently on my 4^th step, ok let’s rephrase this…I am currently trying to get pass the 6^th question on my 4^th step. But I have started it and for now that is what matters. I will get through it, I cannot fear it or it has a hold on me. I have to do it and release all the pain that I feel from my past.

I guess maybe I am just not feeling for my recovery as I was when I first started my recovery. Please don’t get me wrong, I am still very glad for recovery and my NA family but it just seems that life is getting in the way, well that I am letting life get in the way. I make excuses for it to get in the way. I have PTO…church…and any other excuse I can make not to work on me or my recovery. That needs to change, but I am the only one that can change it. So I have been reading more recovery related items.

Right now I am reading How to become an oldtimer: Don’t drink and Don’t die. I am a member of NA; I love my NA group/family. I find that NA is a better fit for me then AA. But with that being said, NA received its steps and traditions from AA, so if I can learn something from either group I will take it. This book seems to be written from a person that is more involved in AA. This is fine with me.

There is a passage in the book that I love, so I wanted to share it with everyone:

Lessons I’ve learned in recovery

Day one in the program: I learned that 12-step programs were filled with jovial brain damaged people who actually appeared to be happy to go to those stupid meeting.

Seven days: The best diet in the world was to take step one. A hundred pounds was lifted from my shoulders after admitting I was powerless over alcohol and other drugs. The meetings didn’t see so stupid after all.

Three weeks: I learned that the “they” who caused me to drink and drug too much, drive too fast, work too little, be on the FBI’s most wanted list, and my family’s least wanted list actually resided in my head. It was a dangerous place to go alone.

Thirty days: I learned that I can’t stay sober if I take a drink or other mind-affecting, mood-altering chemical. Wow, what a concept!

Ninety days: that people who say you can’t talk about drugs in AA are usually on them.

Six month: That sponsorship was pretty neat. I told the other guy what to do and if it worked, I tried it.

Seven months: I learned I wasn’t ready to be a sponsor yet.

Nine months: I learned that the only time you should look down on another person is when you’re bending over to help them.

One year: I found that once you get your 4^th step just exactly the way you want it, your sponsor makes you do it over again.

Thirteen months: I learned that my sponsor is psychic: She said that “rationalization” is when you tell yourself that already know but that when I listen I may learn something somebody else knows.anyone who can stay off alcohol and other drugs for a year cannot really have a problem. How did she know what I was thinking?

Two years: I learned that when I talk I can only say something I

Three years: I learned that religion is for people trying to stay out of hell and that spirituality is for people who have been there.

Four years: I learned only some of us learn by other people’s mistakes. The rest of us have to be the other people.

Five years: I learned most everything there was to learn about recovery and how to work the 12 steps. I knew how everyone involved in my life should work the 12 steps, too.

Five and ½ years: I learned how to piss off my sponsor. Tell her what I learned at 5 years.

Nine years: It occurred to me that smoking pot wasn’t such a bad idea. After all, it wasn’t alcohol and it wasn’t addictive. Then I remembered what I had learned at 90 days. Bingo. I knew why in my heart of hearts I must say “I am an alcoholic. I am an addict.”

Ten years: I learned that I was 10 years away from my last drink and 12 steps away from my next one.

Twelve years: I learned that I would rather have someone sober and hating me for telling them the truth, then drunk and liking me because I told them what they wanted to hear.

Thirteen years: I learned that members of NA who say, “Being clean means never having to say you’re sober,” have forgotten where they came from. I pray for them.

Fifteen years: I learned that I do not believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Twenty years: I learned there is such a thing as the “twenty year syndrome,” meaning that we never stop growing and we only claim progress, not perfection.

Thirty years: Those who say “Long-timer” instead of “old-timer” wear their fear on their sleeve.

Forty years: The way to become an old timer is to not drink or drug and not die.

 

I loved how you can see the progression in their recovery.

I hope that everyone is doing well!

Hopefully I will write again soon!

Selfishness, Lying to ourselves

          Received an e-mail from Josh this afternoon with the below post. It is amazing when he sends post for me to put up, not only is what he wrote what I am feeling but what I am sure other addicts feel at some point in their recovery.

         So without further ado, Josh's post:

When I lie to others; it affects not just me, but others as well. If I want my life to change, I need to do things differently; this includes not lying to others and myself.

 

Where are my priorities? My actions will show where they truly lie no matter what my words are. Recently for me, my priorities have strayed fairly far from recovery first. Whether it's Facebook, online games, reading the paper (daily crosswords included), watching TV and sports, leisure reading, eating, smoking cigarettes and going to meetings. Pretty easy to see how only one of those things is directly related to recovery.

 

Nowhere on that list is reading of recovery literature, praying, meditating, step work, etc. Though these actions have shown where my priorities have truly been lately, I nevertheless continued to try and tell other addicts what could help them? Kind of insane huh? Where is MY recovery in all of this?

 

As wonderful as it is to share recovery with another addict and offer suggestions; it kind of defeats the purpose when I fail to put my recovery first. It's just another way of me not having to focus on myself and giving the appearance/attitude that I don't need any more advice/help from others. This could not be further from the truth. I'm an addict; I suffer from a mental, physical and spiritual disease that affects every area of my life.

            How am I improving/having any relationship with my Higher Power? My actions tell me all I need to know; my recovery has not been my main priority. Or even in my top five. I've reverted back to my old behavior of talking a good game, worrying about how I look to others. I'm seeking out things I see wrong with others in recovery, which just keeps me from having to look at myself and my own defects.

 

I'm not just doing this with other addicts/those in recovery, but with everyone in my life. The more I've gotten away from praying, meditating, reading recovery literature and step work (All my Higher Power's will for me), I've replaced it with MY will. I know where this will lead me. So MY will tells me to keep up the front so I don't embarrass myself to others and have them think less of me. This is BULL@%$*!

 

My addiction wants me to keep suffering, knowing I'll eventually give in and use to escape these feelings and having to face life. Why do I think/feel that I shouldn't struggle or have problems? Why do I put these reservations about my recovery that life should be perfect? That I NEED to be perfect? Here's why: My DISEASE (addiction) tells me I have to be perfect and that I'm better than everyone else knowing that I'll fail and use any reason to escape the pain. As long as I think I have to be perfect, I'm doomed to fail and be miserable.

 

The bright side: THIS IS NOT REALITY! I don't have to be perfect to stay clean. I don't have to be perfect to have a healthy recovery. I don't have to be perfect to find peace and serenity. I don't have to be perfect to be loved. I don't have to be perfect for a Higher Power to care for me and show me how to live.

 

Perfection is not success. Life is not a math or grammar test; perfection isn't attainable. CHANGE is realistic. PERSONAL GROWTH is attainable. Daily recovery, staying clean can be accomplished. Learning to be grateful, honest, compassionate, open-minded, loving, forgiving, and understanding; all realities and possibilities without ever nearing perfection.

Josh is back...

...and with a great message :)

I have a CHOICE on whether or not, and how I let others affect me.  I have no control over how they act or what they say; but I DO have freedom to CHOOSE how I react. 

It all starts with me, I'm an addict and no better/worse than anyone else(addict or not).  Especially when sharing with other addicts(even more so with newcomers), I must try my best to stay humble.  Lest I never forget where I came from, may I never have to go back. 

In sharing my experience, strength, and hope with others; the message of NA and recovery is rendered moot when I talk AT others and judge their choices.  In seeking my Higher Power's will for me, staying open-minded, and accumulated recovery (reading the literature daily), I'll better be able to share my message in a clear manner to others.  Thus, leaving it their decision to listen/not without feeling judged by me/others. 

When I get away from the Basics, my message becomes mixed(sometimes saturated) with MY will, not my Higher Power's, and doesn't carry the message of recovery that NA stands for.  As a member of Narcotics Anonymous, I have not just a responsibility, but also the blessing for every opportunity to share with others seeking recovery.  Not only does the message I share with others provide opportunity to give hope for the still suffering addict, but it strengthens my recovery when I practice the NA way and follow my Higher Power's will. 

I may not be able to share anything that will make another choose to attend NA or seek recovery for themselves; but I certainly can avoid saying things that may push a still suffering addict further away from seeking recovery.  My voice and actions are my most powerful tools.  I should stay conscious of these, and learn how my Higher Power guides me and wants me to use them. 

"My gratitude speaks, when I care, and when I share, with others the NA way." -gratitude speaks from NA

Non-education

POA's being good or otherwise have no effects on addicts. We can have the best parents and be addicts or we can have the worst parents and be addicts.

My mother was an amazing mom and I am an addict. She did everything she could and yet I sat in prison.


http://www.tmz.com/2012/08/08/kathy-lee-gifford-drug-addict-parents-children-family-circle-interview/