Wait...where has all the time gone?!?!

As I am sitting here writing this I am crying like a baby (thankfully there is no one her to see me) and I think I feel my guilt and shame creeping up on me. Today I was late to work, BUT for good reason. I was enrolling Kelli in Kindergarten! Kindergarten people! This is big girl school and she is SO excited! Mommy on the other hand, well I am excited because Kelli is and it’s hard not to be when she is so very much excited. But I can’t help but think of where all the time has gone! I remember when she was born, so tiny, thinking that the world had now be complete. She was and still is the light of my life. The only thing that kept me living though-out many trails and tribulations in my life. No matter how much I wanted to just give up and leave this place I couldn’t because I had a beautiful little one to take care of. She was the one thing (along with my family) that kept me going in prison. She is helping me stay sober, and she is what is still keeping me doing the next right thing.

But I have forgotten a lot of things while I was using. Her 5^th birthday party, I had it, I was high, and do I remember it? Some, not all and that’s sad. Next month she is turning 6. Will I remember every bit of this birthday party? Hell yes! Am I excited for that? Yes! I have all these wonderful things that I get to look forward to now and it is exciting. But the past keeps coming up and biting me…”you didn’t do that for her.”, “Do you remember that all you wanted was to get high and didn’t care if she minded you or not.” I feel crazy when all those thoughts go though my mind, I just want to scream that was then I am different now, I can do better.

Why is it so hard for us to forget and forgive our past? I don’t know, but for today I am not thinking about what I did not do, I am going to think about the great things that are to come. My baby is going to kindergarten and we get to go school shopping this week. I remember growing up, my mom and I would go every year and I so looked forward to that. I think that is my favorite memory of us! Hopefully I can be just like my mom and create that for Kelli.

My big Kindergarten girl!

My "closed" sign is still up!

Before you read this I want to start with a couple of notes:

1)       I do not, anymore, condone this behavior. This is just so that non-addicts/users might understand what is keeping us in our addiction/using.

2)       This has just been my experience, everyone’s is different but I am sure they would pretty much agree to an extent.

What it feels like and why we keep doing it

               

              

                I guess I should start out with why one starts using in the first place; at first it is just a curious thing. We don’t see the bad or that we could possible become addicted. We see our “friends” using and how good they feel and how much fun they are having, at that time. So we try it, we feel good, we are not thinking about anything else but the good, the right here right now, the best we have ever felt. This is why we continue to use. The emptiness we feel in ourselves is finally filled. No more thinking we are not good enough, no more thinking that we are nothing or nobody. No more feeling weak or unworthy. In all honesty no more feeling at all. Every bit of pain from our past, every bit of hurt is gone. We don’t have to think about who or what hurt us in the past. We don’t have to think about anyone or anything, we can just live.

               

For a minute I want you to imagine the feeling you get from the one thing that interests you the most. Think about a difficult project you have completed and the feeling of pride and self worth you got from it when finished. Imagine what it feels like to be the smartest person in the world. Remember the most excited and energetic you’ve ever felt in your life. Take all of these things and multiply them by a thousand and that is what we feel like on a daily basis. We get the feeling that every decision we make is 100 percent correct. When we start a project we get so involved with it that we get the feeling of completion before it is even finished. We have a heightened self-confidence and self-esteem we have a feeling of being able to conquer the world.

               

Then it gets bad, we try to go a day without using, heck we try to go an hour without using. But we can’t we have become so dependant on the drug that when the pain, hurt, and lost feeling from our past comes back we can’t deal with it on our own. We don’t know what to do or how to cope with it, so we go back to the only thing that we know how to do right and that is get high. After awhile we can’t even do that right, we have to do more, what we started out with isn’t enough.

               

When you look at us we look lost, confused, and lonely. And we are. But not in this world. We are lost in our own; we are looking for that door out. To get back to the life that we had before that now doesn’t seem so bad to us.  One day we might find that door and when we do we will walk though it and for a little bit everything will be ok. We will be in the euphoria stage of sober ness. We feel high on life! We have never felt better and we are looking forward to this new sober life. And then reality hits, something goes wrong and we think, “well hell if things like this are going to happen when we are sober we might as well be high” that’s because we know how to handle problems when we are high, WE DON’T!!! But when we are sober we have to face them and deal with them head on and it hurts and its difficult and it just plain sucks. That’s where we can either be our own worse enemy or our saving grace.

               

We can let the problem get the best of us and go back to using, of course we know if we do we will get the looks of “you are a no good piece of trash, nothing but a junkie” but that’s ok with us because we don’t care we are high and are comfortable and know how to handle this place. OR we can keep on going, knowing that it will get tough and that we can make this and something way better then what we were getting is out there. But we have to realize that we can’t do this alone. It might take us MANY falls (relapses) before we come to this realization but when we do and we see that there are people that care and want to help us, we feel loved and great and know that we can do this.

               

I don’t know exactually why I decided to write about this, I just felt I needed to. I don’t think people truly understand what kind of hold drugs have over us. They think that we can just quit and be ok. But it is not that easy. I have been an addict for 12 years and have tried to stop for 10 of those years, but I couldn’t do it alone. But no matter how much you show the addict in your life that they are not alone, that you love them, that you will help them. They won’t see it. This disease is horrible and frighten. Just keep showing them without enabling them, we will get mad, but sooner or later we will hit out “rock bottom” and see what is right in front of us for all these years. Everybody’s rock bottom is different, sometimes it is death-we have to accept that-but sometimes we will take death over what we feel inside. And if the rock bottom is death, they are not suffering anymore, and then they will see that they were loved and that they had everything they needed. But they will not be feeling pain anymore. I am sorry for all the people that have lost a loved one to addict death. But sometimes that’s the only way out. When I was in my addiction and could not find a way out I envied the ones that lost the battle and was looking for my day. But now I know another way and I hope and pray that other addicts will find it to. When the door finally opens we hope that it stays shut forever, but there is a “come back soon” sign on it and we have to decide if it’s a world that needs to be revisited or taken out of business forever.

And by the way!!!!!

I can believe that I forgot about today!!! Today is my 10 month! I have been sober for 10 months!!!! Yay!!!!! Somethings seem like they are getting easier and there are somethings that are still hard but each day clean and sober is better then a day living in hell!!!!

Thoughts, Worries, Fears...Oh my!

So I am sitting here thinking about what to write about today. I have a lot of thoughts and issues going though my head. The issues are mainly family issues, nothing concerning my sobriety. One of the big thought that I have going though my head is, I think that I am going to get Kelli into counseling. I don’t know if she is too young, or if it will even help. But it will give her someone to talk to that has no “active interest” (<- is that even the right phrase?) in her life, and it will just be an outlet for her.

            My biggest fear is that what if they think because I am an addict (although recovering) and that I have been to prison, that I am not a capable mom nor should I have Kelli. I know the things I have done in my past and what I am doing to are 2 completely different things, but yet that is my worse fear. You know while in my addictive addiction that is the one thing that I feared the most, losing Kelli, not even death compared. Yet I kept on keeping on, the fear of losing one of the biggest things that I live for didn’t even stop me from drugs, or anything else for that matter.

            But I can not keep my fear from getting her help. She needs something. I don’t want every time that I step out side and she can’t see me turn into her thinking that I left again. It breaks my heart. So I have to put my fear aside and do what’s best for my daughter. Yep that’s what I need to do. Ok I am going to do it.

            Ok another thought that I have right now, I really need to watching my shopping; it is starting to be my replacement drug. I know that sounds silly to most people but addicts like to sub one thing for another. I have quit drinking, I have quit drugs, and I have even quit having sex. But I am still smoking (Cigarettes) and shopping (A LOT!!!!), but I am taking steps to stop it, tomorrow I get paid, and I am giving my money to my aunt and she will keep it for me unless I REALLY need it and she will make sure that I am help accountable. Which is something that I need right now. And let me tell you I love my aunt dearly but she can be a hardass when she needs to be! (Love you Aunt Jenny)

            Wow, ok now that that is all out in the open I kind of feel a lot better.

            I hope that everyone is having a great week and they are keeping there heads up, cause when our heads are down we tend to run into walls!  

Just for laughs!

I recieved an e-mail this morning that had me rolling! Sometimes we just need to take a break from the everyday and laugh a little, so I figured I would post it on here! Have fun, laugh alot!

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
  

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
  
  
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________ 
  
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
  (My Favorite)
ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
____________________________________________
  (Another favorite)
ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?WITNESS:   None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral.._________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________
 
   
And last:
 
ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?WITNESS:     No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Sometimes the obvious is not so obvious!

I am reading 12 smart things to do when the booze and drugs are gone, by Dr. Allen Berger. He is the same author of 12 stupid things that mess up recovery. I was reading smart thing 12: the "problem" is not really the problem. This chapter got me thinking. Not only is this chapter useful to me but I'm hoping it could be useful to someone else.

When I first got into recovery I thought that my addiction was my only problem and that I had everything else under control. But the drugs just covered it up, by not feeling is how I thought I had it taking care of!

In the book he talks about emotionally sobriety. He says with emotional sobriety, we will move toward our true-self, and move away from our idealized or false self. We will move away from perfectionism, and move toward appreciating progress. You will learn how to take charge of your emotions rather than letting your emotions drive you.

That sounds nice to me. I don't want to feel like I have to be perfect 24/7. Matter of fact it is exhausting and annoying not only to myself but my daughter and I am sure others around me. In fact I know it gets to Kelli. Last night when I was trying to get the kitchen done I had to have everything in place. Kelli put something somewhere it didn't go-not that it was hurting anything-but I went into a big spill about why that didn't go there and how everything had to be this way and why if it wasn't this would not work, blah blah blah. She looked me straight in the eyes and said; "Mommy I'm done helping you, you’re getting on my nerves" and she is only 5! Ok, I realize what she said could come off as disrespectful, but it did open my eyes! If we continue to strive for perfect we are going to be going at it alone! We will push the ones we need the most away. What is it with newly recovery addicts that we feel like everything needs to be perfect?!? I don't get it!

Anyways back on topic! Dr. Berger says that the problem is most often not the real problem. What you've identified as the problem is really a sign that something is lacking in your life. Once we find what is missing we can regain our true self. When we are seeking emotional sobriety our job is to find what is missing.

           There is a paragraph in this chapter that helped my find my "missing" problem: If I didn't want to feel at all, then I would have a hole in my heart. Think of these as functional deficits. These deficits limit our ability to cope. If I have trained myself to "not see" certain things, then my ability to cope with any situation that includes those things will be compromised.

That is so true for me! I compromised many things because I didn't know how to cope. But I started drinking and becoming the addict I was when I was 14, I didn't give myself time to learn to cope, I stopped my emotional growth there. Now at 26 I am trying to put 12 years of emotionally growing in a few short months. I am trying to teach myself how to cope with situations instead of getting high. It is hard, when you are more comfortable with being high and not in this world, but I just have to do it. I have to figure it out. I'm not going to lie, there are times when I want to say "Screw it, you people have fun in your world, I'm going to mine" but then were does that put me? At the worse, back in prison for 10 years or dead. At the best...well I'm not sure there is a best for this situation. So I have no choice but to cope.

Another question that Dr. Berger asked is how is that we end up with these holes in our development? He explains it by saying: It happens because we have alienated or disowned various parts of ourselves in order to live up to our idealized self-image-in order to make ourselves more acceptable and lovable. Let’s say I am “supposed” to be understanding and compassionate. In order to be this way, I have to disown any part of me that doesn’t meet these specifications. Therefore, I can’t be impatient or annoyed with you, even if you are really annoying me. There’s no room for this reaction in my personality. So I project these feelings and deny them. If I don’t recognize that I am feeling annoyed, then I am unable to take care of myself. I am unable to assert myself and do something about what is happening. When Kelli told me I was getting on her nerves she wasn't denying her feelings, she was telling me exactly how she felt at that time. Does that mean she loves me any less? No, it just means that she loves herself enough to respect herself and her feelings. If she can do that at 5 why can't we do that as adults? But as addicts its very easy to deny our feelings to ourselves and other, we are deceptive, to be honest the art of deception is one thing that we addicts become very good at. If we are not good at anything else, we are at that!

But Dr.Berger does give us hope, we can become emotionally sober. In the book he list tips for handling problem to find the REAL problem, he says they help you stop, step back from the thing that's bothering you, and look for the emotional dependency underlying your reaction:

1.      Do something different: doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. A good rule of thumb is to do something 180 degrees put from what you have been doing.

2.      Stop “awfulizing”: accept the present reality as it is and settle down.

3.      Let the best of you do the thinking and talking: stay committed to letting the best of you stay in the lead during a crisis or when struggling with an ongoing problem.

4.      Focus on the solution: Stop playing the blame game. Blame will only make it more difficult to find a solution.

5.      Don’t sweat the small stuff: ask yourself if this issue is of critical importance. If it is hold your ground, if not let it go.

6.      Get some distance from the issue: sleep on the problem. Very few things need to be solved right away.

7.      Ask for help: just because you have tried everything you know, it doesn’t mean that the situation is hopeless. New information can help unlock gridlock.

Note: there are 14 to the above list, I just listed the ones that I have trouble with, and the others are helpful as well.

           Something that Dr.Berger suggested and that I use a lot is the serenity prayer, there are many different versions but the way I say it is:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (others)

 the courage to change the things I can (myself)

and the wisdom to know the difference.

I hoped this chapter helped someone else as much as it helped me. In reality this Blog has helped me tremendously, actually getting out what I am feeling and thinking has been such a chip of my shoulders, it has been freeing. Thank you all for listening- or reading in this case- to my ramblings!

Just for today: I will put my emotional well-being first!

I'll take "things that are amazingly awesome" for $1000 Alex!

Answer: This girl!

Question: What is who made it though a weekend alone sober????

I DID IT!!!!

            I made it though this weekend sober. But I kept busy! Friday did a few errands here in town and then went home. I was in bed by 10:30. It was kind of peaceful. When I woke up Saturday morning I got busy right away and moved my stuff out of a storage unit into my new home, which took most of Saturday and Saturday night as well. Sunday it was off to church, lunch with family that was back in town, and then more moving stuff where I want it in the house until I got Kelli back, and then it was just relaxing.

            The only trouble I did have was Sunday afternoon when I was unpacking I came across paraphernalia, which was hard; I stood there for like 10 minutes trying to figure out what to do. I didn’t want to touch it; I didn’t even want it in my house. But sometimes when you are unpacking the past things come out to bite you. I didn’t want to call my family and ask them if they would get it out, I am sure that if I called them they would have, it’s just embarrassing  to ask them to come take care of stuff from my “past”. But after just standing there I picked it up, put it in the trash, put the trash bag in my car and drove to the gas station and put it in there dumpster. Probably a little over-kill but it maybe me feel better.

            But I would have to say that I did prove to myself that I can handle being alone and that I can find ways to keep my self busy and/or just be alone…I do have to say it was peaceful…I am glad that I got I faced that fear and it is done! But needless to say I am proud of myself! I am ready to tackle something else if it comes my way!

P.S. Thanks to Laura I now have a sober counter on my blog!

Thank you all for your comments and support!!!!